Friday, December 31, 2010


As I look back on 2010 I realize one thing, it was overall a gigantic disappointment. There are so many things that I want to do that I have not done, didn't even start, or did not finish that it is quite depressing really. HOWEVER! I will be 31 in 15 minutes and I have decided that this year will be the start of the next 30. There are things that I want to do, helping people, helping myself, all of which I have been putting off, medically, monetarily, and community services such as helping kids. I really want to help kids because I feel like that would do the most good. You can help adults but they are essentially set in their ways, whereas kids still have a vast amount of potential that just needs to be tapped into. SO, I have decided that this year I am going to start at least ONE thing, whether it be with a school, or foster homes, group homes, I dunno yet. But something is going to be started, and hopefully it will be big enough that I can help lots of people. Also, I am going to get my medical stuff squared away once and for all. I am tired of not knowing, guessing, thinking it's one thing and then something else happening, I'm just fed up with all of the repeated screw ups. I am going to go and get tested for everything under the sun, and SOMETHING will give, because I am tired of this game that is my life. My kids need more from me, I need more from me, so more is what I will find in myself to give. Plus, I don't want my kids growing up with this disgust and hatred towards people that I have, obviously not to everyone, but I have lent a helping hand and had it bitten off so many times that I have grown bitter towards those who need help and are not just using me for what I can give. I am going to try and find that nurturing side of me that I have had for some time, but has been dormant for a very long time. I am determined to do something better this year, and in years to come. On that note, Happy New Year to everyone, and if anyone has any suggestions, or advice, or would like to help with any ideas or future endeavors please feel free to write.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


So, I am not exactly sure where to start. I am exhausted, I know that much. LOL.

Christmas was good. As good as it could be I guess. The kids were very excited about their Christmas presents. I think my favorite present was Jaron's drums. LOL. I like the drums, I just hope he really puts himself into them. I think he has great potential to be really good at them. Austaya's electric guitar keeps breaking a string because something is wrong with the tuning knobs. So we have to go get that fixed, but she seemed really excited about it. Odie hasn't been excited about much of anything because he had broken his arm, then he got his cast off but he has to take it easy, and now he has the cold that we have all been passing around. LOL. Poor guy can't win for losin'. Hopefully we will all get over it soon.

As for getting over it, I decided to finally go to the doctor for what I thought was a UTI. Turns out it's a little more serious than that. I'm not very happy about it. I always put stuff off for the sake of dealing with everything else that is going on just to find out that I am sicker than I thought. LOL. You would think I would know better by now. Anyway, on that note, I have a whole gang of tests to look forward too, again. I have no idea what is wrong with me other than the increase in bilirubin in my system. Let me tell ya how much that caught me off guard. LOL. I had never even considered that something that could happen to adults. Now I have no idea what I should be doing. Should I be eating certain foods, drinking certain fluids, sleeping more, sleeping less, exercising, not exercising? Your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea what is going on, or what can help it improve until I get the tests done. I hate the waiting game. I have done this before too many times and I hate it. And I always seem to end up with the unknown. It's so frustrating. And I'm so tired right now I have no energy to clean, move, anything, so that makes it really hard for me to distract myself from all of this crap. The only thing I have the energy to do is think, and even THAT is a stretch half the time.

I am feeling very alone in this battle. It's weird for me because I have never really been one to rely on anyone for moral support, or for help with stuff. Usually if I want something done, or it needs to be done, I just do it myself. But I am literally exhausted from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed, and then I have a hard time sleeping. Go figure. LOL.

And then there are relationship issues that are draining me just by thinking about it. I have exhausted all talking, lecturing, being understanding routes that I could take. And honestly at this point I am not sure that I have the energy to try to fix anything. Normally I stick it out until hell freezes over, and try to make things better, or just turn into a cold hearted bitch who doesn't care and make it work. But with everything else going on, I just don't have it in me anymore. The one thing I do know is that I cannot live like this. And I'm not sure I want to. But I guess we will see how things go.

My birthday is this Saturday. UGH! I'm gonna be 31. Where did the last 12 years go? LOL. Oh well, happy birthday to me I guess.

The homeschooling thing went out the door. My older two just will not cooperate. AND THEN I put them in public school and they proceed to lie, cheat, and steal their way to not doing their homework and not doing their school work. I really don't know who they are anymore. They are not the kids that I left in Montana a year ago that's for sure. They used to like school. Now they just spend their days misbehaving and trying to find ways to be completely uncooperative, and not doing their work. It's so weird. Their homework has been a struggle too. It's weird, I feel like every thing that is going on, every, single last thing is going against everything I am doing, or trying to do. I thought that things were supposed to get better, but they have done nothing but get worse, and worse, and worse. It's really baffling. I just don't understand at all what is going on anymore. Anyway, I guess just take it one day at a time.