tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15708836727256868682024-03-13T00:13:09.891-04:00Good FrustrationsThe world according to meAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-14260726448095908312016-12-31T15:19:00.000-05:002016-12-31T15:19:32.285-05:002016...The year from hell...<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>I can honestly say that this year has been the most awful year imaginable. Coming from me, that's saying a lot. I remember last New Year's Eve I had told myself that this year would be amazing. My year. I would be in control of my own destiny and everything was going to work out. I felt very positive about it. 2015 was an awful year full of being stabbed in the back by family and being used for everyone else's purposes so I had decided that 2016 would not be that way. On Christmas Eve I had quit Radio Shack. And even though that was extremely difficult for me to do because I loved that job more than anyone could possibly understand, the corporate structure had become unbearable. I had gotten a job offer from Rent a Center and that in and of itself made me feel like I had good things coming.</b></span><div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Boy was I wrong! So 2016 starts out and I'm trucking along learning the new job. Rent a Center, although it was a terrible job, was working out well because customers were glad to see me there, it was something new and interesting for me to do even though like I mentioned, the job itself was just horrible. I had never worked in rent to own before so it was completely new. The store I had taken over was a complete disaster between customers who were just not into communication and employees who didn't like the job any more than I did. Of course I didn't let them know how I really felt, they all seemed to be of the same mindset that I was. The company had tied our hands so much in our ability to actually perform our jobs that it was a total nightmare. And then there was my boss, who was a jack ass. I'm not at all sure if he had actually run a difficult store, because he had this idea that you just come in and make people do what you need them to. What he really didn't seem to grasp was that you cannot make people DO anything. Especially when it comes to customers who had the routines down to an art. Come in, get what they need, never contact us again. And with the way RAC did business and with the ridiculous rules in place, that literally meant they got free stuff. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>On top of that this guy had zero respect for me whatsoever. And the DM who had hired me was fired shortly after I was hired so I had nobody to go to and ask for help or tell about the unreal treatment I was getting from this guy. My entire crew quit and I ran the store by myself with no help for a month. This "DM" brought in a bunch of employees at the end of the month to help me catch the store back up and he actually acted like he did me a favor. Needless to say, this guy was a joke by any managerial standards, let alone DM, and I couldn't stand working for him. By the time we parted ways he had told me that I had to do basically all of the jobs. Make all the calls, make the rounds running various past due accounts, while trying to get my employees to do the best they could. Considering I was doing all of the jobs, they didn't have anything to do. And yet when he came in and decided he was "over it" he held the fact that I was doing everything against me. It was absolutely mind blowing and hypocritical, not that that surprised me considering how this guy treated me. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>At the same time I had let my friend Autumn move in and that ended up being a complete disaster from the word go. First off, she wasn't even supposed to move in until the end of July, beginning of August but she had a new girlfriend that she just couldn't live without so before I even knew what was going on we went from "sure you can move in a few months" to "wow, you're moving in this weekend. The downside to that is my kids came for the summer and I didn't plan on having anyone at the house while my kids were there because I wanted to spend time with them. Before I knew it I got a text while I was at work that she was bringing her stuff and she was there. She had already given up her apartment so she had nowhere to go. So, I'm trapped. She moves in with her cats, both were pretty cool cats except for the fact that one of them was a WMD. He tried to destroy pretty much everything he came in contact with. Not to mention they both left cat litter everywhere, my hallway, my kitchen floor, my kitchen counters, everywhere they went they left a trail of cat litter and it was so annoying. She thought it was cute. In her eyes, they could do no wrong. But then again, nothing in the house that they were destroying was hers. Everything belonged to me except what was in her room and they didn't touch that stuff. So I was incredibly irritated with this blase attitude she had about my things.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>At the same time TK and I were hanging out more and more often. The presumption was that we would eventually end up together. There were many conversations about it, and as it was, he had told me that in eight years he hadn't dated or been with anyone, which kinda blew my mind but to each his own. I could also understand not being with anyone after so long especially given how people had just walked away from me for years and years. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>That being said we were hanging out a LOT. He would come to my house and watch TV or movies, he would stop by my work, we texted a lot. And more and more we got closer. And then everything all blows up at once.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>My kids come to stay the summer with me and I'm happy to have them. I had wanted to keep them longer but my ex is a real piece of work. That being said, they came, Autumn is a complete and total asshole to them THE ENTIRE TIME they are there. I can't for the life of me figure out how she thinks she can do this considering she is a guest in my house who wasn't even supposed to be there yet. But she bitched at them non stop. She also made them clean her cats mess when her GF was coming for the weekend. She bitched at them about the internet, she bitched at them about how much they ate, she did nothing but hound them NON STOP. I am exceptionally pissed off about this because I want the kids to have a good summer and she single handedly is ruining it for all five of us. She's incredibly unpleasant all of the time. All the while she is being completely inappropriate around TK when he comes over. She just never shuts up. Her mouth was running 24/7 about things she didn't even know about. She just kept on being rude and inappropriate, making comments about everything from my personal sex life or lack thereof to making comments about the kids. Nothing I said or did got through to her that she is not behaving in any sort of manner that I am okay with. Completely oblivious to reality. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>And then all at once, she flips out and moves out because my landlords wanted her to be on an application for the property so they knew who she was. I personally to this day think she lied about her military involvement, especially after that entire incident took place. My landlords accused her of dealing drugs to which she seemed guilty. And then she decided to move out without telling me. On top of moving out without telling me until I asked she actually had the gall to say that she had other places lined up in case I ever "did anything to her cats", which I was incredibly offended by considering she knew they were destroying my property and she thought it was funny and cute, and even though she gave me permission to slap him if he did stupid shit like that, I never did. And yet when she needed everyone to feel sorry for her to help her get out of my house, the whole story changed. Suddenly I'm this horrible person. All I did was ask her for a copy of anything proving she was in the military because the landlords said that would be a huge help to show she had no criminal past. Literally, that's it. And here we are.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>At the same time TK disowned me and wouldn't talk to me, lied about his phone number all because I told the TRUTH. Yes, the truth people. I still to this day can't wrap my head around it. His brother did something inappropriate and because I didn't make a huge deal out of it and get him thrown out of the bar because I knew I could handle it, he accused me of being a whore and walked away. So now Autumn has officially lost her mind, like actually mental, and TK is not speaking to me at all. And then I lose my job because my boss is "over it". I know he was just using me to hold down the place until he could get who he actually wanted in there. And I get unemployment now so thanks BOSS! </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Kenya and I used to hang out pretty often but then he moved to Spokane so I hardly ever got to hang out with him anymore. Then my "friend" John has some insane shit hit the fan with his kid. But as it turns out, the only reason he cared was because he wanted total control. I wasted a month and a half of my life, literally putting my entire life on hold so I could help him all so I could be treated like any Joe Blow on the street when he didn't need me anymore. So at this point I am batting 1000 and I am just over this year.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>I also gave up my house. My so called friends couldn't have cared less about anything that happened to me. Whenever I needed to talk nobody was there. Had my going away "party", really it was just an excuse to say goodbye to everyone, ONLY ONE PERSON SHOWED UP. Honestly, I'm not even sure he showed up because of me, I think he was already going there for whatever reason. This whole year was one gigantic reality check as to who gave a shit about me, and the list was incredibly short. But it did make disappearing a whole lot easier...</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>To top it all off in November my asshole ex husband decides to file for full custody and he doesn't tell anyone. Not me, not the kids. His new flavor of the year is trying to remove me from their lives all together. She had already blocked my number on his cell phone, the cell phone I PAY FOR. Then she tries to move them across the country but when I veto that she then forces the courts hand in removing me. So now I have to figure out what the kids want so I can make sure I do what's best for them. And the part that pisses me off the most about that whole situation is every single thing, every decision, everything I've done for the past 16 years has been for them. I chose to leave them in MT because that's where they wanted to be. Anyone who thinks that I left them because I was too lazy to take care of them, or didn't want them is completely nuts. It was never that. It's never been that. Jeremy knew, the kids knew, everyone knew why I did it. And yet now I have to defend myself against some chick who's been in their lives all of five minutes in the scheme of things. And they are in a terrible position because they don't want to have to choose and they shouldn't have to. That's why I did it the way I did so they didn't have to. But now they do. And it's all because of that crazy bitch my ex is with. So this is how my year ends.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Not to mention all of the people who have died this year that were exceptional in all sorts of ways, astronomers, actors, John Glen, Leonard Nimoy, Carrie Fisher, and the list goes on, and on, and on. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>So 2016, you can go fuck yourself. I really don't know how much more of this year I could have taken. I'm almost afraid to hope that 2017 is better because well, we see how well that worked out for this year...So maybe I'll just hide and watch from afar. But not until I get this drama worked out with my poor kids. I feel horrible for them and I am just hoping we can get this handled without putting them through too much, especially since the whole reason it's even an issue is purely because of one chicks need for total control. Pathetic...</b></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-9425022215459709852014-09-21T14:53:00.000-04:002014-09-21T14:53:07.072-04:00Men<span style="color: #cc0000;">Be forewarned, I am going to sound like a totally jaded, man hating bitch in this post so let me just say that I don't hate all men, just most of the ones I have ever been with in my lifetime. LOL. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">When my mom died I snapped for a while, life itself has lost most if not all of it's meaning. I don't understand why people continue to go through this much pain and grief to just keep waking up to the same pain and grief every day. Humans are social creatures by nature. Almost all of the major criminals in the world's past were incapable of attaching themselves in any fashion to other people or they were too attached to one, maybe two, which drove them to the obsessive behavior that created them. What blows my mind is how, in relation to me, the men that were my "friends", were the ones I cared about, the ones that told me that life was worth living, I'm so great, I'm so pretty, so smart, whatever they were spewing at the time, are the people who are the most uncaring, self absorbed, narcissistic nut jobs I've ever met. How do I always get involved with screw ups? It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "I'm here to bled dry, sucked of all life, love, emotion, anything I would have had that made me a positive, outgoing person, just for YOU!". </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">My first ex-husband, who has been pining over me since the day we met, waited even after I was married to someone else, for me to come back to him like he was so amazing I wouldn't be able to resist forever. Now, in his defense, he can be a great guy. Or at least he used to be. He was the one person I knew would never lay a hand on me, cheat on me, we have stayed friends even after the divorce and have been trying to keep it together for the kids, so to speak. As time went on he got less and less controlled. One night, maybe seven years or so ago, he got shit faced drunk and slammed me up against a wall and screamed in my face to the point that his friends had to pull him off of me. All because I was trying to keep him from waking the kids up at 4 am with his screaming at me. He goes through mood swings to the point that it's insane. One minute he is fine and happy and the next he is going off on me about what a bitch I am and he was only interested in me because I could have kids anymore so he could fuck me and not worry about anything. The truth that nobody knows about him is that we are divorced because of him. There is only one thing that caused our demise and it wasn't my doing. In fact, if you talk to anyone about what really happened they look at me and wonder why I didn't file charges or leave him sooner. Around year five or six he suddenly decided it was more fun having sex with me in my sleep. It was to the extent that he wouldn't even try while I was awake sometimes. He did it while I was staying with him and the kids while I was married to my second husband and I woke up to find him on me. He did it while we weren't even together. After the third separation we were still living together because he had given up our apartment and moved us back in (for the third time) with his drunk abusive step dad, which I was highly against but he was convinced we would save money, and then got himself fired immediately after we got there. A week, to be exact. He then had sex with me in my sleep after offering to give me a back massage because I had worked that day and I got pregnant with my third baby. I would never give that boy back for anything, but the circumstances of his conception are less than ideal. I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't be married to someone who was too much like my father. I gave him so many chances to fix it and he just wouldn't. I found him counselors, tried to get him jobs he wanted to do, everything I did got met with dismissal or resistance. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">Now here we are, four years after the divorce. He is using the kids to try and manipulate me, as he always does. But he is refusing to let me see them, talk to them, he made damn sure I couldn't get them down to CDA during the summer. And now he is refusing to let me take MY daughter so I can undo the damage he is creating with her. She is completely lost, she has no idea who she is anymore, and he is more into her being a boy than he is with his own boys being boys. He leaves the boys at home constantly while he goes places, shopping, baseball games, they are always home with his mother who doesn't work, doesn't do anything, she just sits there, and eats. Oz on the other hand is always with him, or she's out doing her own thing, half the time with no permission. The problem with this is that he has no legal right to her whatsoever. He has her because I didn't want to split her and the boys up but she has gotten to the point where if she does not get some sort of positive female influence she is gonna be messed up for the rest of her life. A month ago he wanted me to take her, this month, because now it's my idea based on his lack of ability to raise her properly, he doesn't want me to. I am sick of this guy using the kids and putting them in the middle of everything. He's even got her arguing for him. He has always used them to keep me coming back to his house. He uses them to look good to his friends. He wants to look like a hero without doing anything heroic. So he keeps the kids, lies about what is really going on, the fact that I wanted to take them for a while, the fact that I try to be involved with what they do and he refuses to tell me anything that is going on at their schools or vacations until the last second or after the fact, and I can't do anything at that point. He lies to everyone making it sound like he is so awesome and I am nothing, until he thinks he might get me back, then I'm okay. I have been blatantly clear about not going back to him but he just can't get it through his head. And now the kids are the only thing that keeps me around, guarantees I'll have to keep coming back. And the kids just plain old don't understand. I just can't deal with the manipulation anymore. I didn't have kids with him to have them be used to control me forever. I want to be able to see them and talk to them without them having to feel like they are breaking the rules for talking to their own mother. How pathetic is that? </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;">Not to mention the fact that he is racist to everyone who isn't white. My children think the N word is the appropriate word to be used in reference to a black person. He is prejudicial against everyone including people on welfare and yet he collects food stamps. Go figure. He judges everyone he comes in contact with with. Obesity, yet both him and his mother are grossly overweight. Women are useless pieces of meat to him, and yet he seeks them out for his own personal gain, primarily sex and that's it. And my kids are learning all of these ridiculous behaviors and I am powerless to do anything about it, yet.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">So for the record, I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy when I didn't actually do anything wrong besides leaving a rapist. It's about time I vent considering I've been letting him badger me for years and manipulate everything. If I had known he would pull this crap back then I would have been more proactive in stopping him. But I was too nice and never expected this behavior from him. I guess no one is really who they seem in this world.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">Just wanted to tell my side of the story. I'm sick of the Jeremy's and Jason's and Erik's of the world getting to say or do whatever they want about me or anything else and always getting away with it. Nobody holds anyone accountable for their actions anymore. Oh the stories I could, and probably will, tell.....LOL</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-40750900935853329672014-09-03T06:24:00.002-04:002014-09-03T06:24:30.890-04:00Can't sleep<span style="color: #cc0000;">Well I can't sleep so I figured I would write. That should help, hopefully. LOL.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">So Jason cheated on me. I'm pretty sure I posted that somewhere in here. And two weeks ago I stayed with him when I went up for Oz's high school enrollment prep, 6 hours of driving for 20 minutes of paperwork. It was kind of messed up really. I have no problem doing stuff for the kids. But it would have been nice if it had been more of a worthwhile expenditure all because Jeremy had a meeting with the school board and didn't want to leave work 20 minutes early to be able to take her. Again, not complaining about her, I obviously want to help the kids and be there for them when they need me as often as I can. It's just frustrating that I get called in for little bursts of redundant crap rather than something important or meaningful. But oh well. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">That being said, I talked to Jason for the first couple of days that I was gone and then I stopped talking. We didn't talk for a week, he didn't say a word. On Friday I broke down like a sap and texted him, and he said he was just about to text me. Not sure I believe that but okay. I bitched at him, which I can't seem to help doing. He's really pissed me off and hurt me so much over the past few months. But then we talked and joked like we normally do, and this week we're talking like nothing happened. I'm not sure what changed. I always have to analyze him and try to understand. Try being the operative word. He's such a conundrum. He was avoiding me like the plague, afraid getting sucked back in or something, and now he's talking about possibly coming to visit ME. I spent the last year trying to get him to come visit me and it was like I was trying to cut off a limb. LOL. Now he's actually thinking about coming here and I just don't get it. Like my previous comment, I'm not complaining. But it's so confusing when he pulls this back and forth stuff. I've completely washed my hands of trying to be everyone's friend, or trying to make life easier for everyone else, or caring all together. But that doesn't mean I don't get completely lost anyway. LOL. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">It's interesting to me how much I have changed in the past couple of months. I have literally become a dead, soulless version of myself. Nothing that happens around me or to me has any emotional effect whatsoever. I have a hell of a time explaining it to people also. I care to the extent that I want to know things, or am curious of the thinking behind people's comments or actions, but as far as any emotional attachment or reaction, I have none. It's weird also, because I don't really know how to be this person and yet I am. I do it without even thinking. I don't filter anything, I don't pause to think through what I'm about to say before saying it, I'm just here doing whatever I happen to do on any given day with no perception of time or destination. Finishing a task or reaching a goal holds no meaning for me anymore. I used to have pride, care what people thought of my work, strive to achieve better tomorrow than I did today. Now I not only don't care about tomorrow but I almost dread it for the sake of whatever shit may be thrown at me that I don't feel like dealing with because I just don't care enough to deal with it. So I find it interesting that now that I am this emotionless, non caring entity Jason suddenly wants to hang out or do things. It's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a while. LOL. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">The only upside to my new found lack of involvement with life in general, well there's a couple I guess, is that he can't hurt me, at least for now. I no longer let Jeremy use the kids as a tether to keep me around for his sake. He's none too happy about it but I'm sure he'll live. It's a lesson he needs to learn whether he likes it or not. You can only use the kids as a bargaining chip for so long before the other person gets smart about the game that's being played. I no longer get sucked into meaningless shit for the sake of helping someone, or thinking I'm doing good when all I'm doing is enabling whoever it happens to be at the time to continue using me, manipulating me, But it's funny how everyone stops being your friend when you become that person....</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-55497450283998484882014-05-11T03:22:00.001-04:002014-05-11T03:23:19.365-04:00addicted<span style="color: #cc0000;">Did you ever notice how life is just one big addiction? Addicted to love. Addicted to money. Addicted to work. Addicted to tv. Addicted to drugs. Addicted to food. Addicted to alcohol. People always chase what they crave. Every single person does it in the entire world. Yet, everyone in the entire world is so quick to pass judgment on everyone for doing the same exact thing. Most pass judgment because they either care about who theyre judging or they are so full of their own beliefs that they have to shove them down peoples' throats. I think people should just accept that everyone is different. Stop trying to change people. Stop thinking that everyone needs to be like you. The thought that you cant have friends or get along in the world unless you change the people around you to be like you is ridiculous. Change is the spice of life. Different people teach you different things, broaden your horizons and open your mind to all kinds of things you may not have come up with on your own. Doesnt mean you have to like all of their opinions or thoughts but dont judge them for being different. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-77903858600180589232013-11-24T15:57:00.003-05:002013-11-24T15:57:44.420-05:00Life<span style="color: red;">Sitting alone in my house, I look around at the emptiness and wonder if it's all worth it. When I was younger I had five careers I was going to do in my lifetime, I had this big plan juggling the school and the jobs. I was to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, a writer and a teacher. I would go to school to be a doctor and start my pre-reqs for being a lawyer, I would become a doctor and finish law school. I would be a singer in between, I would write in my off time, and then when all of that was done and I was "ready to retire" I would be a teacher and teach history or writing to high school kids. I wanted to teach high school because they are the hardest to teach, the hardest to keep interested in what they are learning. College, the kids opt to go, they may not like all the subjects but they choose to be there. The younger grades, the kids are eager to learn, they want to go to school and learn and hang out with their friends, and love their teachers (usually). But high school, that's where the challenge is. High schoolers would rather ditch class, go hang out with their friends, when they start to develop wings of their own and try to fly in whatever direction the wind takes them at any given moment. Sometimes it's the wrong direction, sometimes it's the best direction they could have chosen, but overall they are trying to find their own way in life and cutting ties with their parents, rebelling against authority, they don't choose to be at school, they are forced to be there by the powers that be and they usually don't have any interest in being there. Those are the kids I wanted to inspire, teach them to make their own destiny, help them to find interest in the education they so want to leave behind. Just the thought of teaching them inspires me. When I got pulled out of school in fourth grade all of that kind of went out the window. First we went to St. George, Utah. We lived in a motorhome at the Redwood RV Park. My brother and I made two friends there, they were the only friends we were really allowed to have and we could only hang out with the kids, my parents never got to know anyone really. We lived there for a year. My dad lived in California still, we stayed off the grid because they wanted me in court in California and they didn't want me to go. The only thing we did was horses, I rode all the time, my mom bought and sold horses like crazy. My mother and I went riding one day, she was on her horse TW and I was on Maggie, this ranch broke Morgan mare that I had no business being on, in a saddle that was too big, and she took off with me after her horse kicked mine in the face. She ran to the barn, I screamed, and the last thing I remember was my hands reaching for the saddle and my legs above me as I slid off upside down, and then everything went black. I had blood coming out of my nose, my body was tingling like a million ants were crawling on me, at least that's how the story goes. My brother said I kept getting on my hands and knees and crawling in circles complaining about the ants. I remember the wind of the helicopter, and the lights of the ambulances for about two seconds when I regained consciousness as they put me in the helicopter. The only other time I woke up was when the oxygen burned my nose while I was on the chopper, I knocked it out and overheard the medics talking about me. The pilot asked how I was doing, the doctor with me said I was doing well and a fighter but we needed to get there soon. I woke up several days later in ICU, I don't remember much else. The doctors had said my parents should prepare, if the swelling didn't kill me the bleeding would, it was a bad crack and severe head trauma. But I walked out of that hospital, and to this day I'm not sure why. We left St. George and moved to Carson City, we were there until I was about 11, my mother got pregnant with my sister. Biggest mistake ever. Well, I can't say that, she's made a couple big ones, but this was definitely one of them. While she was pregnant we moved to Pahrump, Nevada. All kinds of things happened while we were there. Just that five year span would take me hours to write about. Needless to say a lot happened and I grew up way faster than I ever wanted to, and still no school. I had a total of maybe three friends the entire time we were there. When I was 15 I moved to California with my dad, which last until I was 16 and a half and then I went into a foster home. That is when I was able to go back to school, but at that point it was so late, I'm not even sure what the point was. California insisted that it was because I needed the social aspect of high school. The problem with their theory was that I wasn't allowed to do anything. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, do much of anything, it was horrible. And I spent so much of my time doing classes, seven classes in high school, four nights a week of night school, to try and catch up this mess that I didn't have time to do anything anyway. </span><div>
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<span style="color: red;">That being said, I'm now 33, I'm the store manager at Radio Shack in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. This is my second store. Everyone tells me that work isn't everything, money isn't everything, yet everyone chooses money over people. My daughter is 13 now, her father didn't want her because he wasn't ready. Instead of fighting and forcing the situation I left, and moved to Montana. To this day he is content paying the child support, he only sees her when he happens to be around in the same vicinity. Convenience is key. He doesn't see it that way, he loves her, and that should be enough, but he's not around, money replaces his presence. My first husband, we got along great and he is a great guy, but he would never keep a job while we were together. Now that we're not together he is doing all the things that he should have done while we were together, including keeping his job. All we did was fight about money because we couldn't even afford to buy food half the time, and now that I'm gone he does fine. I had a "boyfriend" along the way who stole my money all the time, used other people all the time, I meant no more to him than anyone else did yet he lived with me for a year and a half. All I was was a bank account, there to give him what he wanted. My second husband, all he cared about was money, status, the latest and greatest toys, looking good to the rest of the world. And now my current other half, he hates that I work so much, he hates that I choose to work than have time off, and yet he is choosing his job over everything, including me. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Everyone says they worry about me, my health, working too much, not taking good care of myself, not sleeping. But no one ever invests any time in me like I do everyone else. I'm not trying to sound like a saint, I do the best I can, but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. What I have always found interesting is that people always tell me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do, but they never physically help me. They never come to my rescue when I'm down, they never want to help me, they just want to tell me what to do. I've always been a workaholic, I've always been very career driven, but not for money, it's for my own personal gratification. I as a general rule, hate money. Money ruins lives, changes people, turns them into something they're not and it's horrible. I work because I want to. But how can people tell me I work too much? How can people tell me that money isn't everything and then choose it over people they care about? I choose the people I care about and I take care of them, I give out money because that's what they care about, I drive all day, juggle my schedule and make myself sick, sacrificing everything from money to time to emotional and physical well being, and yet they say I shouldn't do it, but they keep ASKING ME TO. The only way I can keep the people in my life at this point is to keep doing it, and yet they keep telling me I shouldn't, and then asking me to. It makes no sense to me. At this point I feel like nothing I do is right. I focused on my career to be able to buy my people the things they want, to be able to take care of them, to be able to help them if they need it, and to put the kids through college. This is what people want from me. Helping people gives me purpose. Take Jason for instance, my whole world revolves around him. I love him, I drive to see him, I try to take care of him when he's sick, when he's upset, I talk to him, I think about him all the time, and yet he is always telling me I do too much, I work too much, I need to take better care of myself. And in the same breath he will want me to drive up to see him, I will stay up until three am making food, hanging out, talking, and then drive back to open my store at 8:30 am. LOL. I want to see him, I obviously choose to do it, but don't make me feel bad for doing it. I have to do what I have to do. And yet he is choosing his job, which is replaceable, all jobs are replaceable, over me. He won't come here because of his job, yet he wants me to not choose mine. It's so confusing. He says money isn't everything, then he chooses to stay with his job because of the money. He chooses money over me, a person who cares about him, who wants him around and yet he tells me not to do the same thing. I'm not sure if he wants me to quit and move back, or what he wants, but it's hard fighting everyone, trying to make a career for myself so I can take care of those I love, and because that is what makes me, me, when they are doing the same things and then telling me I shouldn't. But it would be ridiculous for me to quit because I make more than most anyone I know that's close to me. And the only way for any of this to work is for one of us to be able to support the other for a short time, to be able to afford the gas for the trips back and forth, and it all comes down to money. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Honestly I think people want to care about me but I'm not worth any actual effort. To keep me around is too much work for them, so they stick around until they have to do something and then they bail. Every single person I've been with has done that. They are more than happy to keep me around, be with me, spend time with me, as long as I do all the work. As soon as I can't keep up it fades away. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm so tired and yet I have to keep going. And all the negativity around me is relentless. Everyone telling me I'm not doing the right things. Sometimes I just want to give up, which is so not like me. I'm not the quitting type, never have been, so it's even more frustrating. But no one will give an inch, they keep taking and taking, and won't give a little at all. And I feel very alone. I feel very unsupported. I guess I should go back to being the career driven dreamer who had her own life plans and worried less about those around her. But I've changed since I was younger, I get attached to people now and then now whereas when I was younger I couldn't have cared less, which kind of brings me to my first point. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Is it all worth it? When you find someone in life that you can be with, really be with, laugh with, cry with, talk to, is it worth staying with a job for that? Is it worth staying career driven? I made the choice to move because I thought it was the best choice for me, for anyone I knew, all like, three of them. But now all I've done is make life harder on me. Now I'm living two separate lives, but there isn't enough of me to go around. I'm not sure how to fix it, and no one seems to understand. And this is why I feel like quitting. No one is willing to help me follow my path, I just help them stay on theirs. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">All I'm doing is venting as you can see. LOL. I just don't get to talk much so I'm talking to the abyss that is the Internet instead. One of these days something will give and I will know what my purpose is, right now I just feel like a stepping stone for everyone around me. It kinda sucks. </span> </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-15334126857116526912013-11-08T05:15:00.001-05:002013-11-08T05:16:00.522-05:00One Year In<span style="color: red;">I haven't made a post in quite a while. So much has happened, and yet so much hasn't changed at all. LOL. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red;">I started at Radio Shack in Kalispell, October 26th, 2012. My one year just passed, happy anniversary to me. LOL. And I'm in a new store already. Now I'm at Radio Shack Coeur d'Alene and have been since August 1st, officially. I wasn't supposed to be able to get a new store until my 12 months but somehow I got to anyway. I was so excited about getting the big store in the district, and being promoted before 12 months since that wasn't supposed to be possible. But the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit and I'm not sure how to get it back. I had to leave Jason behind. I left the kids behind too but I go and see them, and honestly they would rather live with their father anyway because he is the gamer and the "fun" one. I go back and see them when I can, and they do so much better in the school they're in than a school I could put them in. I don't want them to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of my job. But Jason, I can't replace him. Some people say he's just a guy, go find a new one. Others say that long distance relationships are hard, but have nothing more to say. It's interesting because I knew when I took this store I ran the risk of losing him, I knew it was a lot to ask of him to move to a place with me, for me. Every week since I left I have gone back at least once, to see him, be with him. I'm not one to give up easily, so I fight for what we could be if he came here, if we get the chance to be together. I'm just so tired. The drive is killing me. This new store is insanely exhausting. I can't figure out why it's so exhausting but it is. A lot of it is mentally exhausting, trying to do the right thing, watch and coach my team, give them the best chance to be successful so I don't have to be there all day every day just for them to be successful. I'm under tons of pressure to keep this store functioning at full potential, not only from the powers that be but from my myself. Every day I come home to an empty house and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him, and tell him about my day, watch TV with him while we talk about stupid stuff and laugh. I miss that, I miss the way he makes me feel better, and making him feel better, the way he gives me purpose, cooking for him, supporting each other when it feels like no one else understands. We're both weird, and dorky, and silly and together we are great, we understand each other in a weird way. I want him here. He says he is psyching himself up to move, thinking about it, not sure, definitely thinking about it, I can't keep up. I hate not knowing is the thing that bugs the crap out of me. Every minute that passes is just another minute I miss him more. Somewhere along the line in the last year, he became a fixture in my life, someone that I needed and not just wanted, someone that I relied on to keep myself grounded, and give my personal life purpose. I shouldn't need anyone, but I do. I have purpose, I could do anything I wanted myself, but I don't want to do just for me, I want him included, I want him here to be a part of everything I do, I want to be a part of everything he does. I want us to be us, and take on the world as us, and right now all I can do is wait. Waiting is so hollow, empty, wasting time apart when we could be together. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Enough whining for now, I need to sleep but I'm sure I'll write more later. ;) </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-19409489940408436772013-04-03T14:27:00.001-04:002013-04-03T14:27:35.896-04:00Complicated<span style="color: #cc0000;">Why are the most uncomplicated things complicated? LOL. I swear, nothing is ever easy anymore. Things don't just happen. There always has to be something, something that gets in the way. I've been the queen of adapt and overcome my whole life. But why does it seem like I can't just be at any given moment without having to? It's damned exhausting is what it is. I'm presented with decisions I don't want to make, plain and simple. And once again, I have to be the bigger person, the one who makes the right decision long term instead of being able to just live in the now. All these issues, things I can't change, things I can't fix, and it will drive these decisions forever I think. I don't think I will ever truly get to be happy, happy with myself, happy with my life, become complacent and comfortable. It will never happen. There will always be a dark cloud hovering over my head, the rain on my parade, and it pisses me off. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">So now I have to figure out what to do. On the one hand I could be selfish and just run with it (it being the issue), make the decision based on the now and fuck the future. But on the other hand I can't do that, because for everyone involved, someone has to make the choice instead of being caught up in the now, and reduce the amount of damage done later. But how do you predict the future? How do you even know if there will be damage in the future without getting there? FUCK! I don't know what to do.....I'm not sure there is a right answer but there has to be one that works, right?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-84761209511761312562013-01-18T02:10:00.003-05:002013-01-18T02:10:36.049-05:00<span style="color: #76a5af;">I haven't written in a while. I never have time to do anything anymore. However, I am now starting to get two days off so I might actually get to do some of my writing once in a while. Who knew?! Work is good but I'm having issues over all. I need to get my head back in the game, which is harder than it sounds with all the shit going on right now. Plus, the kids have been sick, and I'm pretty sure they made me sick so now I'm gonna be sick for two weeks in a row, which really sucks. It's gonna be a long year if I can't stop being sick for five minutes. LOL. Being sick gets old. But oh well. I guess I went several years without really getting sick so it's time for me. I think years that end in three are bad luck for me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">I really need to go to the doctor but I've been putting it off for lack of interest in getting tubes shoved into my stomach. I've been in a lot of pain lately and it's starting to drive me crazy. Although I'm not really sure that going to the doctor is going to make it any better. In fact, it will probably make it worse. Doctor's never help anything, they are all overpaid and useless for the most part. Only once in a blue moon do you actually find one that isn't a hack. I don't know any in the valley here, they are all pathetic losers who suck at their jobs. Which really sucks for someone like me who actually needs a doctor to be good at what they do. That was the only upside to living in Maryland. My GI there kicked total ass, so did my pain doc. I would totally move back there just for them, and that's saying a lot because Maryland fucking SUCKS. Everything in Maryland sucks. There is not one thing there that would make that shit hole worth being there except those two docs, and I could probably get away with being in Virginia and making the commute if I wanted to. I have no problem driving, so that could work. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">My dad is doing well. I'll refrain from giving too many details since there are people in the world who like to fuck with us, namely my mother. Yes, if you are reading this, stop. LOL. Anyway, he is doing pretty well though considering. We're both putting the pieces together of our lives being uprooted. We do it in different ways, and from across the country, but we make lemonade out of lemons all the time. LOL. It's what we're good at. I'm about done picking up the emotional pieces. I just shake my damn head at myself for caring in the first place. Erik was a total waste of my life, can't believe I actually gifted him with my presence as long as I did. So at least I'm over that waste of life. Now I just have to make the rest of it truly count, which is my goal from now on. No more wasting time with nothingness. My dad is just biding his time until he can do what he wants to do also, so again we're living parallel lives without actually living together. LOL. It's funny how things work out.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">I've run into some old friends since I've been back in Kalispell. It's fun now, since I only drink sometimes, I don't party hard so it's a different way of being than it used to. I used to party constantly and be wasted non stop so we were friends but I always had a very focused mind on being drunk, working, and partying. Now I actually appreciate the people instead of just going out. I laugh, a lot. That's nice. I haven't laughed in a long time, at least truly laughed. I have friends now that make me laugh and we hang out, instead of the sole purpose being wasted. It's pretty cool. I used to wish I had friends but at the same time I hated having friends because I never had time to hang with all of them, and they all wanted me to party constantly, drink, or go with them to DD, or whatever the case was. Now we meet up, hang out, and go on with our lives and stay in touch. I missed some that I have run into so it's awesome that I have gotten to see them. Now I just need to go visit Ryan in California. I am long overdue for a trip down there. It will be a while but I am so going.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">School is on hiatus at the moment, between lack of money and time, I'm screwed. I'm a bit disappointed and I am looking forward to finishing it, but everything in life takes time. TIME TIME TIME, time we ain't got but try to spend anyway, it's a lot like money. LOL.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">My goal for this year is to save money, and fix my fuckin debt issue. I just hope that my job holds up. It's hard because I am trying to learn, and train, and keep everyone motivated, and do all this stuff, and I feel like they are just waiting for me to fuck up bad so they can fire me but at the same time my DM says I do a good job, so I can't tell. I think it's just my guilty conscience and then my being my own worst critic that is a contributing factor to my disconcerted feeling about it. I'm always hard on myself, and I expect more than what I am achieving now because I'm trying to deal with all this shit all at once, so I feel like I'm not fixing it fast enough. LOL. Then again, everything would have been perfect two months ago if I had my way, but that just wasn't in the cards. So whatever, we'll see how the cookie crumbles.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">I'm looking for a place, a house preferably so I can listen to my loud ass music. LOL. No owning for this girl. People are stupid for buying a house. It's a fucking disaster to own your own house. So I'll be perfectly happy renting since I have no pets, I have kids but all I need is bedrooms for that. LOL. It will be just fine for me. Plus I work so much that I won't be there much anyway most likely. LOL. No need to invest a ton of money in a place I'll never be at. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;">Anyway, enough rambling. Talk to yall lata!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-21625929819302923152012-11-25T01:57:00.001-05:002012-11-25T01:57:11.784-05:00I must be crazy. Okay, seriously. I'm an ass. I realized a while back that I have no idea why I wasted so much time on my ex. And I really can't understand why I would waste my life waiting for him. After I snapped out of my pathetic stage, I wanted to slap myself. He never deserved me anyway. I mean, I'm not perfect, no one is. But I sure as hell deserve more than he ever gave me. So now I am totally and completely over that whole thing. He can go off and do whatever, be with his daddy, whatever it is that he does, and just leave me alone. The trick is getting the rest of my shit from him. He actually tried saying that he wasn't going to honor the divorce papers, like he has a choice. I think his dad has him thinking he actually has power in this situation. His dad is an idiot. Fact is, it is what it is and there is no getting around it. And I'm sure as hell not going to waste a lot of my time dealing with him. If he pushes me I will call the cops and his superiors and let them handle it. I've already started the ball rolling and if I have to roll it off the cliff I will. I just wish he would grow up for five minutes and get this shit over with so I could lose his number and never have to deal with him again. He is way too narcissistic and arrogant for anyone to really want to deal with him, hence him having no friends. The only friends he does have are those that are paid to be around him. I'm glad I'm not one of them. He is fucked in the head and I'm glad I'm gone. He fits in in Maryland, and I'm glad I'm not there either. I'm just glad I woke up and stopped being an idiot before it was too late. I feel soooooo much better now, so much happier. No arrogant ass, self absorbed childish twit holding me back and competing with everything I do. At least now I can be me. Thank GOD. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-22644700801221831182012-10-28T22:46:00.000-04:002012-10-28T22:46:01.915-04:00So frustrated.....I am so frustrated right now. I don't know why I even care, but I do. I keep trying to have a civil relationship with my ex and no matter what I say or what I do, he is antisocial, won't answer me, strings me along, and refuses to be civil or anything. I know I was a bitch for a whole month. But he was antisocial and blew me off like I didn't exist for a year, and most of that year we were MARRIED for. So why am I now being excluded like I don't exist at all? He still has stuff that is mine, a lot of it in fact. He gets mail I need to get, he is supposed to pay me alimony once a month, and I can't get any responses from him at all. I don't know what to do. I try to be nice and get blown off. I am a bitch and get blown off. I try to talk and get blown off. I ignore him and get blown off. I'm being stonewalled at every opportunity and I don't know how to deal with him. I need to know if he has stuff I need and he blows me off. His dad told him that he is better off without me, and instead of trying to talk to me about it to at least explain what the hell that is supposed to mean, he just ignores me like I'm nothing. I'm not nothing. Not to mention the fact that HE married me. I was HIS choice. And yet his dad doesn't approve for whatever stupid, judgmental, self righteous reason, and he listens to him instead of trusting what HE chose. Erik knew who I was. He knew where I was. There were no secrets. So why is it that his dad decides that I'm not worth a shit and he jumps on that bandwagon like he had no idea who I was? It's not like his daddy knew any secrets about me, or knew anything about me in the first place to persuade him that I was so horrible. Yet Erik completely bailed in every way possible before we were even divorced. Now I'm trying to salvage something, and trying to be nice, and trying to get him to at least acknowledge I exist long enough to get even my questions answered about the stuff he has, and he refuses to budge. I don't get it. I don't know why. It makes no sense that he could treat me this way when four months ago I was the love of his life and he said I was perfect just the way I was. Then like a switch he changed his mind and his dad pays him off to divorce me. How the hell does that work out? I am 90 percent certain that if my dad had paid me off to divorce him, if I blindsided him with complete silence, he would have freaked. Yet it's okay for him to do it and he still has half my shit. It's like he is a completely different person, and no matter what I say, or do, he continues to act like I don't exist.
Why do I always end up in these relationships where the guys care more about what EVERYONE else thinks, than defending their choice and sticking with it? How do I always end up investing ten times as much and being burned in the end? Why am I the only one who sticks to their guns, and defends my choices, and whoever I'm with, just to get thrown under the bus. How does my keeping their secrets always get forgotten? It never counts for anything. I keep their secrets, I defend them, I hold up my end of the bargain and it counts for nothing. I could spill all kinds of secrets, secrets that would ruin multiple people, yet for the sake of keeping ERIK's trust and protecting HIM, I keep my mouth shut. Yet he treats me like I don't exist. So why do I bother? What is to keep me from saying anything? Why should I continue to protect him, or protect his secrets, or his career, or his friends? Why should I be the only one holding up my end of the bargain? Why? What is to keep me from blowing the lid off the entire family for that matter? Why should I be the only one having any kind of respect for any of them?
I keep telling myself it's because I am better than them, I am taking the high road. But I really don't feel like I'm taking the high road anymore. I feel like they are just taking advantage of the fact that I won't say anything, and that they can treat me like shit and I won't blow up, I won't give up. So even though I hold the key to a whole lot of shit, they think that they can just walk all over me and do whatever to me and I'll continue to be the bigger man. I'm tired of being the bigger man. I want to just go and spill all of it. Tell all the dirty little secrets. Because those secrets just drag me down, while I sit here and can't even get a lousy "yes I'm alive" response to a lousy fucking text message. Who is this family? Who do they think they are exactly? They don't know who I am. They don't know what I've been through. They don't even know the meaning of hard. Yet they pass judgment on me? And they ruin my marriage because of what they "think"? They don't even know anything to think. And how did Erik turn into such a mindless drone? He used to be this amazing guy who was my perfect match, we prided ourselves on the fact that we were different, that we were the same and no one else was like us. Now he is just daddy's puppet, the Navy's puppet, and he couldn't care less. None of it mattered to him. I never expected this from him. I never expected him of all people to turn into "that guy". I thought he would be the one for me forever because we were so different from everyone else. And instead he just did exactly what everyone else does. Suck me in and fuck me over without even a second thought. He couldn't care less.
And then he makes promises, "I'll talk to you" he says, "I'll ask that question for you" he says, "I don't want you to hurt" he says, "I care" he says, "It's possible" he says, and then he completely ignores me no matter what I ask him, even when it's something that he has that's MINE. I just don't understand. And his Navy drones think that I was going to call them about current events. Dumb asses. They all didn't figure out that the call I was going to make had nothing to do with current events. So he has the gall to get a babysitter for us while I pick up my stuff because he can't handle me himself. Does he not know the power of the Internet? The babysitter was for him because he wants to talk to me, that is totally obvious, but he is too afraid to talk to me because he knows he wants to be with me, but his daddy doesn't approve, so he needs people to keep him from making his own choices. It's the weirdest most fucked up thing I've ever seen. It baffles me how a grown man can join the Navy, move far far away at 18 years old, yet when daddy says jump, he says how high. How in the hell can someone do that? Especially for a dad that couldn't care less about him, only visited him one time when it was convenient and had nothing to do with actually visiting HIM, daddy only sends money when they do what he wants, and only calls when there is something he needs to whine about, like his sex life, literally. Yet he thinks his dad actually cares. HE DOESN'T CARE. Again, it makes no sense whatsoever. And he doesn't give me any credit for the fact that I am super smart, and an incredibly good judge of character and people, I see right through his father, have since day one. I know exactly what makes his daddy tick, yet he doesn't care. He would rather stay blind and let his father make his life choices for him when he is 2500 fucking miles away. Baffles the mind. It's one hell of a case that looks a whole lot like Stockholm syndrome. I don't know what his father did to him but he did something. That I can guarantee. Yet I want to help him and he won't let me. Never has wanted me to. And as soon as I started to get close he shut me out completely, that was over a year ago.
Now we can't even have a lousy conversation of yeah I'm alive. I don't think I would be so pissed off, upset, hurt, but he blindsided me with all this crap, lied to me so many times I can't count, I talked to him and talked to him, and talked, and talked some more, I explained what my issues were, he acted like he understood and then turned around and went right back to it like it didn't matter. He refused to even call me when he was going to be late. Who doesn't want a lousy message, call, text, email saying that they are going to be late so we don't worry? Who doesn't do that? Yet he REFUSED to do it, absolutely refused. Then he just shut down, he stopped talking, stopped caring, the only time he would talk to me was when he wanted sex and that was it, period. And I feel robbed. I feel like our marriage was a joke, like I was a toy he just kept around because it was convenient at the time. He made me fall in love with him, I put so much off, made a shit ton of sacrifices including being away from my kids, FOR HIM. And yet he can't even grace me with a lousy text message saying he is fine. I feel like he manipulated me and when daddy decided it was enough he threw me away. And his fucking dad doesn't even KNOW me, and he made every effort NOT TO KNOW ME. So he is judging me based on nothing, and yet Erik listens to him. And it sucks for me. I loved him with everything I have, everything I am, and it wasn't enough. And I knew it wasn't enough yet he PROMISED me it was. He swore he loved me no matter what. He swore it didn't matter what his dad thought. He made so many promises and then he crushed me. He demolished everything I am and doesn't care at all. Never even had a second thought about it. And refuses to talk to me about it. And I feel robbed, and destroyed, like he ripped my heart out and literally crushed it in front of my face with both hands and laughed at me while he did it. That's literally how I feel. And he just goes on with his life without giving even a second thought to how I feel, or felt, or anything, and I don't know how he could go from promising me that he loved me forever, and promising that I was enough, to his father paying him off to divorce me. I don't get it. So yeah, I'm crushed.
I just hope for his sake that he doesn't push me to the point that he has just about got me to. He would be wise to treat me with some respect because there will come a point that I will stop caring. I have taken more than anyone on earth would ever take and then some. Nobody on earth would put up with this crap, ever. He actually made me sleep in my truck in Baltimore because he didn't want to let me sleep in his basement. His basement! So yeah, this is what he has reduced himself to. I just wish he could stop listening to the dumb asses around him who don't know shit about us, either one of us at all, even Karl doesn't know Erik, at all, he knows nothing about him, and I wish that Erik would stop listening to the know nothings and actually remember who WE were, who I am, who HE is, and remember that I am not the enemy everyone has me painted out to be. They drove a stake between us out of jealousy and it's so stupid. I would at least like to be his friend, but as long as he has all these walls up, no one can get in. And it sucks. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-11820831135070850242012-10-26T23:03:00.000-04:002012-10-26T23:03:30.045-04:00My job freakin rocks!I love my job. I finally feel like I am in a position where I am truly meant to be. I am respected by my co-workers, we work great together as a team, I am picking things up as fast as I can as far as policies and procedures, and I am accountable for everything that goes on in the store. I am in my element, and now I get to put my money where my mouth is. I have always been amazing at customer service and retail stuff, but now I am truly accountable and get to watch my progress, the whole team's progress, as we go and it's great! I love it! It's perfect for me! I am so excited for the future and the challenges that lie ahead. I think it will be a workout but it's going to be so much fun, and just the pure challenge of it is thrilling. I am so freakin' happy to be there I can't even explain it! Tomorrow is our first day on our own. My "training" is over now, all two days of it. LOL. So now we really get to stretch our legs and be all we can be, as cheesy as that sounds. LOL. I told the DM that we are going to shine, and I really think we can. I am so ready for this. It's going to be a super challenge, not easy at all, we have to practically transform our entire location, but that is the amazing part. We get to make it ours and make it work and succeed! I'm so excited, I just want to go to bed and get up in the morning to get to work! LOL. Yes, I am a workaholic by nature so this is the perfect job for me. Work a million hours a week and kick ass! Bring on tomorrow! :DAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-33893998704217350022012-10-24T18:22:00.001-04:002012-10-24T18:22:40.794-04:00First DayThe first day of work was way easy. I know it's the calm before the storm, so I'm not thinking that the easy will continue. However, I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be a challenge, hard, keep me on my toes, I want to push myself and push my crew and have fun trying to achieve bigger and better things. So easy is not what I want. I'm super excited about this position though. It's so me. And the woman who interviewed me and pulled strings to get me hired said that she is so excited that I got the job, and she was super supportive. I'm just excited all around. I love a good challenge. And this will definitely be a challenge. And I get to learn lots of new stuff, and I get to compete throughout the district, it's so awesome.
I'll be house hunting soon. I already started but need a paycheck before I can proceed. There were lots of places open though. None of them were very expensive either, which is great. I hate house hunting though, and I hate moving even more. But it will be good to get my own place, I'm gonna decorate it all cute, and hopefully find a place fairly close to my job. The only downside to renting is I can't paint and such without getting prior consent. But renting definitely has it's perks. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll find a place with an awesome landlord who will let me do stuff to it, that would be even better. I still want my dream house that I picked out for my ex and I. That's if he and his daddy don't try to buy it first just to screw me, but luckily I don't think I actually showed it to him so he doesn't know which one it is. Good thing too. LOL. His dad is sneaky like that.
What's funny is I left this place because of all the meddling. And it turns out that even when they are 50 something, they still don't stop meddling. Sigh. I get so tired of people passing judgment, and acting like they are better than everyone else, and talking about people and situations they don't even know anything about, and backstabbing, and two faced crap, it gets so old. I wish people cared more about people instead of paychecks and what year car they drive. It's so stupid.
Now if only my ex would stop being an uncooperative child, and we could get back to even talking like people, life would be perfect. But as long as his dad is treating him like the bad kid that he treated him like as a child, he won't snap out of it. So the odds of him talking to me like an adult are slim to none, but it sounds good. I wish people had the ability to look at things objectively like I do. I can step back and sever all emotion and evaluate a situation as it needs to be evaluated, but not many people can do that. And it makes situations like this nearly impossible to get through. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-17420201515533285762012-10-23T21:36:00.002-04:002012-10-23T21:36:26.642-04:00I'm sick of this crapI'm sick and tired of being treated like crap. I put myself out there and I apologize repeatedly and I get walked all over and treated like total shit. It's ridiculous how I get treated sometimes. It's like I'm not worth anything, I'm not worth the effort, no one cares about how I feel or what I say. And everyone ALWAYS listens to everyone else and never asks me, never wants to know what I think or what I say about anything. Mainly one person. And one guy, Karl Oehrtman, has judged me without even knowing me. He goes to church once a week and then he acts like he is so perfect, so righteous. He forgot that to pass judgment alone makes him an evil person. And he paid my ex husband off to divorce me. How righteous and perfect is that? And now my ex husband can't even respond to a question that he said he would answer, because he is following in daddy's footsteps. It's absolutely unfathomable to me how someone can be that way. I don't get it. And I can't get any answers. I try to let it go and then I am just shocked by some other behavior that just baffles me. And the arrogance, considering the things I know, blows me away too. The fact that I could bury careers and yet they just act like I don't exist. And at this point I don't owe them anything. They treat me like shit. So what's to keep me from doing it? What's to keep me being the nice guy, the one who protects them? Why should I? It's because I'm the bigger person. But that is wearing thin. It's about to turn into a battle of wits that I always win. I may not be perfect but when it comes to revenge, I'm the best chef there is. And I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy, the one who keeps considering their future, when they keep treating me like I'm nothing, less than nothing. I don't deserve that. I may have lost my mind but I didn't treat him like a nothing for over half our marriage because people told me to, like he did. And he won't tell me anything. He's having a blast fucking whoever, doing whatever, having his cake and eating it too, and I'm about to put a stop to that and knock them both off their high horse. There is only so much one person can take before they break, before it's not worth it anymore, before it becomes too much for them to take. And I'm angry, I'm pissed off that I put so much in and take nothing away from it except hurt and pain and being treated like a nobody. And it's about to end, and I can tell you that I won't suffer if I stop caring, I will be the only one who comes out of it unscathed. They would be wise to remember that a little respect goes a long way.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-69991201236082465832012-10-21T17:45:00.001-04:002012-10-21T17:45:58.517-04:00FundraisingI really want to get this fundraiser going that I'm working on. I've got the idea. I don't have a date for it yet, but it won't be for at least six months so I'm not overly stressed about a date just yet. But I cannot get information ABOUT fundraising from anywhere! I have posted questions on various sites, sent off for information, asked people on the inside, and I have gotten zero support or response. It's really disappointing! I have this fantastic idea, and I could probably raise a lot of money to help the people I want to help, and I can't get anyone to help support it whatsoever! All I need is some information on the rules and regs of doing a fundraiser. Can I do a fundraiser for a cause without doing a major licensing or registration for it? I don't need to do anything major because I'm not an official fundraising organization, yet. ;) But the fact is I can't get anyone to help with anything! I'm so irritated to be honest. I don't understand how people can claim to be supportive of something, like the military, and yet I ask the military people for help and I get nothing. And I absolutely mean zero, I got no response from anyone or anyplace that I posted questions. I could go off by myself and just do it, say fuckem', but the fact is I don't really want to get nailed on a technicality down the road because I was uninformed. But I can't get the information I'm looking for anywhere. And of course the already established charities want half the money for themselves so they won't offer up any information. I want none of the money. It is absolutely non profit across the board. I just want to collect money from people so I can donate it to one cause and guarantee it actually goes where I want it to. Because half the time you donate to an organization and only $.10 on the dollar actually goes TO the cause. Screw that, I want it ALL to go where it belongs, to the people or cause that I'm donating to.
So what do I do? How do I get it going and start promoting it if I don't even know the fundamentals about it? Sigh, I'm so frustrated :(Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-6338451706485105812012-10-20T11:30:00.001-04:002012-10-20T11:30:23.116-04:00I'm so going to beI'm so going to be one of those people that 50 years from now wakes up and realizes that my soul mate got away and no one ever came close to being that guy again.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-84379502500387099092012-10-19T13:14:00.000-04:002012-10-19T13:14:19.319-04:00I'm sadI'm sad. I try to move forward but I'm stuck. I want to tell one person about my day, and hear about theirs, and I can't. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. I want to know that people are okay, and they ignore me like I mean nothing. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I care, or how much I want to help, and I feel like it never has mattered. I feel like a speed bump in the road, run over 100's of times a day without anyone even realizing I'm actually there. And when I try to get up off the road, I get passed by, unnoticed that I got up, and tried to keep going even though I'm just a block of asphalt. No credit for overcoming the obstacles, and getting knocked down just to get back up again. It's a weird analogy I know, but it makes sense to me. LOL.
Silence is the worst. It's funny that perfect strangers will walk up to me and tell me their entire life story and want me to fix it. Yet those who I want to help and want to listen to just meet me with silence. It's deafening, literally. It hurts my head to hear nothing. To be treated like nothing. Especially when so many words were exchanged that were to the contrary until it mattered most. Then it was like nothing ever happened, and I was forgotten. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I thought it was different this time. I thought he was the bigger man, the better man, the best. And yet, he is acting like all the others, even though we were so different. I could move on if I knew why, if I knew what happened, if I knew what changed. But I'm literally hung up, as if my shirt is caught on a barbed wire fence and the more I try to listen, the more I want to know, the more I care, the more I get tangled up in the fence until it's wrapped me so tight I can't breathe, which is where I'm at now. And the part that kills me, the part that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. He says he does, says he's "sorry I'm hurting", but he's just leaving me here, tangled in the fence with no regard for the fact that I am suffocating. And I don't know why. I get that I said horrible things, but people say things when they're angry. Hell, he physically did things when he was angry. But I was willing to let it go, I did let it go. But being met with silence when you try so hard to get to the truth is stifling. It's like everything in the world freezes, including me, and there is nothing left for me to do. I gave him lots of crap over things that may or may not have happened, what he doesn't understand is that I just wanted the truth. That's it. I say things to get some sort of reaction because I'm not getting anywhere any other way. When I didn't talk he wouldn't talk and then he would get mad that I wouldn't talk. But what can I do? I talk, we don't really talk. He won't listen. He won't talk. And the infuriating part is that I could move on if we would just talk, but he won't talk. And he knows that I would move on if he would talk, but he won't talk. It's like he wants me here, waiting. I'm the backup when all else fails or the family dies and he has no one else. To me family is different, I'm used to thinking for myself, I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to not calling mommy or daddy every time something happens, I'm used to facing the issues head on, and dealing with them. Hiding is not in my vocabulary. And it doesn't solve anything. But he won't listen. And he won't talk. So I'm stuck, frozen in time. And I think he likes it that way, which isn't helping.
So I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't get anywhere, or move on, or get the truth. The truth is all I want, all I wanted, all I ever want. But the truth scares people, they think they can hide from it but they can't. The truth never goes away. It just eats a hole in you, and rots you from the inside out, until it turns into this gross time bomb that will destroy you.
And to me the truth is all that matters. Money comes and goes, friends come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, everything comes and goes and in the end you still die and then you're dead and there is nothing. But the truth, whether it's in another person or in yourself, is always there. It never goes away. Respect, trust, honesty, those are what matter, because no matter what material things you have around you, people, things, they will go away, but to be honest and trust someone or something is forever. And to be able to put your whole self into something and know that it's real, like really real, is not something that happens every day. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even happen in a life time. 99% of the population go through life never finding that, ever. So to piss it away out of fear of the truth is just silly to me. To find someONE even that will stay with you no matter what the truth is, and keep your secrets even when they've been thrown to the wolves, who will stand by you no matter how bad it got or gets, is even more rare and special. And yet, people just throw it away, trample it for the sake of making others happy. It makes no sense to me. You only have one life to live, so why would you live it based on what others THINK you should do, because they aren't around, they aren't there, they don't have to live your life, so why would you let them control it? It's unfathomable to me. Especially when they are clearly out for themselves. I see so much of my mother in another person, one in particular, that it's scary. The "bring them down so they don't do better than me" mentality. But again, he won't listen. Denial is a terrible thing. Arrogance is also terrible. They ruin people. Especially when they are used for evil and not for good. Selfishness is up there too. To watch someone you love destroy something amazing for the sake of your own pride and self righteousness is disgusting, especially when it's your own kid. And my defend everyone personality is really kicking in at this point. I must save everyone, even if it's from themselves. So it's infuriating to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives for the sake of someone who doesn't care, who thinks money is the key to happiness, who thinks that all that matters is money and education, because respect, trust, love, honesty, caring, none of that matters to them if they have money. Money sucks people! Money is the root of all evil! It turns people into greedy assholes who don't care about anyone or anything. It's disgusting. Because in case people hadn't noticed, you earn it to spend it, it's gone before you even get it most of the time, money is horrible! So why would you let it run your life? Why would you put self worth and personal worth on money? That's pathetic. Of course you NEED money to survive in this day and age, but it's not everything. Not by a long shot. And to put your life's choices on money is also pathetic. Buying your child's love because you were too lazy to invest the time, is pathetic. Writing a check to try and heal wounds, pathetic. Choosing who you love based on money, pathetic. Passing judgment on people in your self righteous, religion based bias, pathetic. God would not approve.
So I'm sad. I'm sad that people exist that are like this, that can't get over themselves long enough to realize that there are things that make people happy that they may not approve of but because they don't "agree" they just have to twist the knife, they just have to manipulate and screw people up. And I feel sorry for those who are not strong enough to stand up to those who are like that and say, I know that my decision is better than this. I know that it's the right choice for me and I don't care what you think. I feel sorry for those who are weak, and afraid, and don't realize that if that person is so against their decisions then they are not good people in their lives anyway. They are not out for their best interests. They don't care. They are selfish and don't belong in your life.
People should learn to live for themselves and do what they want because they want it and not someone else. This doesn't mean go jump off a cliff. But it does mean that they should know when something is right for them and they should fight for it, they should stand up for it, they should live their lives because in the end they are the ones who have to lie in their death bed and think back on their lives and think about all the regrets, all the things they passed over for the ones who said no, they don't agree. And I wish that people understood this. Because it makes me sad.
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-37131440400208006342012-10-18T19:58:00.001-04:002012-10-18T19:58:56.342-04:00Too muchI worry too much.
So much that I'm stuck.
I care too much.
So much I can't stand.
I feel too much.
So much that it hurts.
I want so much.
So much, out of touch.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-62803292376141071532012-10-18T12:59:00.000-04:002012-10-18T12:59:07.716-04:00Starting outWell, I'm trying to start over. And I'm doing okay, but I have a ghost haunting me that won't help me move forward. LOL. I've faced all my demons, but one. And the one is avoiding me like the plague, which I totally don't understand. I mean, I get that I freaked out and lost my mind and said things, but saying things is better than saying nothing, which is what I've been getting for over a year. I feel like even though I invested everything I was the only one investing. And I feel like that's how it always goes with everything. I put more in than any human being would even consider and then I get left in the wind because I'm never worth fighting for. And this isn't the first time. This has happened before, just left behind like I was worth nothing. I'm so sick of it. People see me and I'm just a pretty face that can be used until the going gets tough and then no one fights to make it work, or help out, or do anything. No one ever fights for me. So whatever, my new beginning is fighting for things I believe in personally and not any one person in particular. I will fight for the one until he disappears into the past or steps up and becomes the man I know he is but everyone else has convinced him he's not. It infuriates me that there is so much negative in his life, and yet he continues to feed into their bullshit like they actually mean something. Blood relation means nothing if people are bringing you down and sabotaging you on purpose, but he doesn't get that. I see it. I've lived it. I know what it looks like and he doesn't get it and he doesn't respect me enough to listen now thanks to the naysayers around him. So I will wait. Because I know the person that he really is, even if he doesn't get that yet. Family and friends are only real family and friends if they actually support you. Just because they are blood related and can throw a check at you to buy your love doesn't mean that they are real people. I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy than have family that throws a check at me and be miserable. Especially if my being miserable is what they want to make themselves feel better, to justify who they are and the bad decisions they've made. I wish he understood what I understand. I wish he could see but right now he is blinded by the negative around him and he is drowning in it. And he's throwing everything away because of it. But I know he knows deep down what is really going on. He is afraid. Afraid of standing against them, afraid to stand up for himself, and I find it ironic that he's afraid of me because I am the one person in the entire world that he could trust with anything and everything and never have to worry. Even now I keep his secrets and I get no credit for that. When I told him I loved him and I was there for him there is no one in the entire world he could trust more than me when I say it. I had no ulterior motives. And I made that blatantly clear throughout our relationship. I didn't want his money, his insurance, his house, nothing. I just wanted him and it made no difference to him. I was thrown away out of fear. I just wish I knew where that fear came from, so I'll wait.
While I'm waiting I am going to be doing a fundraiser for military veterans, which is going to be amazing if I can organize it and promote it effectively. I'm very excited about it. I just wish he were here to participate and enjoy it too, because I know he would love it. But I will go on alone because I want to do it, because I believe in it, and I want to help people even if I never get anything in return. The nice thing about fundraisers and volunteer work is that there is no repayment, no expectation of getting anything in return, and no backstabbing. If I run it there is no undermining, no getting screwed by outside forces, it's just me and my goal. And that I can put myself into without any fear of being thrown away. I'm very excited. I think it will be fun. Even the coordination and work on it will be fun, the promoting and the effort I put in. And when I get to go and make someone's day with the work that I put in, the reward will be monumental. I just wish he was here to share in it. He would appreciate it and love it, but he's too busy being blinded and trying to force himself to deny reality. Sigh....
Wish me luck, I have a big thing happening in about an hour and I am excited. So wish me luck, I need all the help I can get right now. LOLAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-44038997058213778872012-10-12T19:40:00.002-04:002012-10-12T19:41:32.745-04:00A letter to my motherThis past two weeks has been a journey of self discovery. I have faced those who have "hurt" me and I have begged forgiveness of those who I should not have let go. Since I cannot see my mother face to face because she is hiding out who knows where, I will write to her here and whatever happens, happens. LOL. She either reads it or not but at least it won't be sitting in me anymore.
Dear Mom,
I have looked back on the past 20 years and I have realized a lot. For instance, I have spent 90 percent of the time taking care of everyone else, running around making sure everyone else was okay, had what they needed. I sacrificed time, my husband, education, all for the sake of sitting around worrying about everyone else. I have no problem helping people. Hell, you called CPS on me three times and I still helped you.
I went and saw Dad this last week. Don't bother trying to get anyone in trouble, everyone of any import already knows. But I learned about why what happened happened between the two of us. I walked down memory lane of the things that were fuzzy when I was little. I remembered things that I had forgotten.
The ironic part is Dad wanted me to be mad at him. Or at least to have gone through some bout of anger at him for what had happened. He asked me if I was mad at him ever. And the fact is, no. I was never mad at him. I wasn't mad at him because somewhere in my little brain I realized that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, but not in the sense that we're placing blame. Yes, he did what he did. But he is the damaged one. He is the one who had the "screw" loose, so to speak. But the fact is, YOU are the one who chose him. I told you when I was nine years old and you made a conscious decision to go back to him and put me in the position that I was in again. So I was never mad at him. I was mad at YOU. This gave me a whole new clarity as to your letters when you cried and whined about why I hate you so much, why I'm so mean to you, why you "don't know why I'm so angry all the time". Well the fact is, you chose him in your right mind. He wasn't in his right mind. So that is why I am so "angry with you all the time".
The ironic part is I tried to make amends with you. I tried to forgive you. I drove to Carson City and make up with you. I tried to visit with you when I had Odie. And again at Richard's house. The fact is, YOU held the grudge because you still can't accept that he chose me over you instead of the other way around. If he dared to leave you, or choose someone else, it had to be someone else manipulating him into it instead of it just being a choice he made, right or wrong state of mind being the driving force. So you've been taking your anger and hatred of him out on me for the duration because you just couldn't bring yourself to blame him, because then you would have to admit that you chose him, knowing what he did, over me and the safety of your kids. And that is absolutely unfathomable for you. You have never been one to be able to take blame. And you have spent my entire life blaming me for everything you have ever screwed up, or done wrong, and your failed marriage, ever since because I am an easy scapegoat. I'm not there, I'm not around you, you hate me anyway and that way you can keep from looking in the mirror every day and knowing what you did. And the alcohol just made that deflection easier, completely diluted you into thinking your reality was reality. The fact is, you have absolutely no idea what happened. And you don't want to know, because again, that would mean you would have to accept the fact that you chose him over your offspring.
But it all boils down to this. I don't care anymore. I have let go of all the hate, and all the anger, and all of the abandonment issues you left me with, and all of your blame, and I will no longer be carrying it with me. Because I get it now. And I am no longer carrying your blame and your anger with me. And I no longer accept your deflections. You're my mother, I don't have to love you but I can forgive you. I know what is my fault and what isn't in all of this. And the answer is none. It was not my fault what happened with dad, it was not my fault that you did what you did, and I am no longer going to allow myself to wonder "what did I do?". Maybe one day you can accept the things that are your fault, and accept the things that aren't, and be happy and be successful, find more in life, and teach Athena that life is what you make it, not what everyone around you makes it. This is a new lesson I learned and I am glad that I learned it before I was dead. Find peace.
I forgive you.
TheAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-18872417947157731332011-12-26T22:57:00.002-05:002011-12-26T23:31:57.205-05:00Breaking PointIt's been one helluva year that's for sure. <br /><br />I should have been blogging this whole time, I would probably feel better. But I haven't and now I'm so far behind I don't know where to begin. <br />Back when Erik and I got married things were great. He was great, great with the kids, great with me, always so gung-ho about everything. Then we said I do, and everything changed like a freakin' light switch. Now, a year and a half later, I'm more miserable then I have ever been with any ex, and all he cares about is him. He says he cares, but then last night happened. And he doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just pissed about losing my stuff, which I am epic pissed off about. But he doesn't get the other problem I have, and it's fucking INFURIATING. <br /><br />Last night, I wake up and I hear noises outside. I thought at first it was the wind, cuz it was windy as hell. But then when I closed my eyes again I thought to myself, everything happens for a reason, get up. So I got up, and LOW AND BEHOLD there IS someone who is truckin' down the street with a bag of my damn clothes. I wake Erik up, I tell him they were running down the street. And instead of being a normal man and running downstairs so he could catch them, he wastes time getting his shoes on, and then he goes for the shotgun, and by the time he is done pretending he's a commando, they are gone. He gets into the truck to see what they took, and they took all of the clothes that make me me, my hoodies, my chargers stuff, my brand new jacket I got for Christmas, the golf clubs his mom gave us, my make up box, EVERYTHING, GONE! He proceeds to act like he already knew, nonchalantly prancing around the house, calling the cops, and as I'm listing off the stuff I notice missing all I hear out of him is, I know. YOU KNOW?! How the hell would he know!? He barely even knows I'm HERE! Let alone paid attention long enough to know what all was missing. <br /><br />The part he really doesn't get, and the part that is literally on the brink of me driving off and not coming back, is the fact that I had asked him, and told him I needed that stuff brought in for the previous three days before it got jacked. He brought his own shit in, but he left all of mine in my truck, that he knows doesn't lock, that he knows is in a shit part of town and has been broken into three times previously, but HE DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO BRING MY SHIT IN. So now everything that makes me me is gone, and he really could give a shit less, it wasn't his stuff. And the part that gets me is he is always saying he cares, SAYING being the operative word. But his actions speak way louder than his words ever could. Someone who cares, who I have been fighting and arguing and pleading with since we got MARRIED a YEAR AND A HALF AGO to pay attention, to actually listen to me, to even care what comes out of my mouth, has now cost me everything that is mine, that was me, and he doesn't get it. When I ask him three days in a row to get my stuff out of the truck, and the only crap he manages to bring in is his own, knowing I didn't even have any pajamas to wear until he did, doesn't do it and now it is gone forever, does that sound like someone who actually gives a shit? No, I didn't think so.<br /><br />Now you may ask why I didn't bring it in myself. That would be because I feel like crap, I have Fibromyalgia, my back is killing me, and I have a hard time carrying heavy stuff. And he is the MAN, supposedly. He is supposed to do the heavy lifting. My ex did. But then again, my ex would have caught the person too and actually cared enough to bring it in the day we got home. But I guess that is another story. <br /><br />There is plenty more I am going to be writing from now on. But figured I would start with a big fat Merry Christmas to me :( Can't wait to see what my birthday has in store.........Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-88649794861740302672011-09-13T01:05:00.002-04:002011-09-13T01:09:42.304-04:00September 13th, 2011 - Quote of the dayWinner takes all, but those who take all don't win.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-37519480364956533692011-04-07T19:20:00.002-04:002011-04-07T19:35:30.961-04:00Isagenix - Week 1Erik's mom came out to see him before he deployed and brought her new shakes and stuff that she had been using for a while. I totally don't buy into the "miracle cure" or the infommercial like products. But she went on and on about how well it worked, and she felt less pain, and she had more energy, and was losing weight. I don't need to lose weight is my first thought. LOL. BUT, she wanted me to try it and since she had some I said why not. The worst thing that will happen is I will drink it, nothing will happen, she will leave in two days, and I won't ever have to touch it again. LOL So I tried it, and it wasn't that gross at all. And later that day I actually had more energy than I normally do, I wanted to be up and around. It never really occurred to me that it was that, in fact I didn't even really think about it until a week later = now and the last few days.<br /><br />After she had left Erik and I both found the remainder of the container of shake mix that she "forgot" here. LOL. I knew she left it on purpose, but I was actually happy because now I could give it another chance and could try to disprove my supposed higher energy level the first time. LOL. So skeptical am I. So I made a shake, drank it and although it actually made me have more of an appetite, sure enough later that day I felt more energetic. I was trying to play volleyball with the kids, was up and picking up the house, and found it almost annoying to sit around and do nothing. Weird...... Still not a believer. LOL<br /><br />So I continued to make shakes for the next three or four days, and felt better. I had less pain, there were actually days that I forgot to take my medication. This last thing is HUGE because I have been living out of some sort of medication bottle since, oh I don't know, SEVEN years ago! I wanted to play with the kids, I wanted to clean the house. Erik and I have been cooking up a storm. I actually have the energy and lack of pain to stand in the kitchen and cook, bake bread, do dishes, and it's all actually fun for me, especially after not getting to do that stuff without some sort of misery, or lightheadedness, or generally uncomfortable feeling of some sort for so long.<br /><br />Then I ran out the other day. Sad times. I still felt okay the first couple of days. But I was definitely not that energetic, and I had more fatigue. I still did stuff but not nearly as much and by day three I had a migraine again. BUT that was yesterday and I got my order in the mail last night so today I was able to make my shakes and try some of the other vitamins and stuff they offer as well. <br /><br />Today I had OOBERS of energy. LOL. I drank the "Greens" they offer. Definitely not my favorite thing to consume, and may not continue that one. LOL. But the shake was as always awesome, and I took the vitamins, and I drank this new stuff which is supposed to fill all sorts of gaps as far as vitamins and minerals go. And by the time I got to my doctors appointment I was ready to run a marathon. LOL. It's pretty awesome. <br /><br />I still check the labels every so often because I am absolutely convinced there has to be something in this stuff that gives you "fake" energy. Whether it's ginseng, or caffeine, or whatever, I don't know, I could swear there has to be something. BUT I"LL BE DARNED IF I CAN FIND ANYTHING! Nothing, not a single fake ingredient anywhere. All vitamins, minerals, things that are good for you that you should be eating or drinking anyway. My whole entire body functions better by ten fold even the very first day I drank it. For someone who has been in pain this long with fistfuls of meds that didn't do anything but dull the fatigue, pain, discomfort, this is insanely exciting. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that it's going to stop being this way, that it is too good to be true, etc. But hopefully, ***fingers crossed*** that won't be for a while at least, if ever. <br /><br />We will see how it goes in the future. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-43064509421339733812011-03-30T15:05:00.002-04:002012-08-11T13:22:57.542-04:00Tales of a Navy Housewife - week twoWell, that was short lived. LOL. Erik's mission was cancelled at the last minute so no deployment! I can't say as I'm sad about that. I mean, I wanted him to go, until he went. LOL. So typical. But he really wanted to go cuz he liked the mission he was going on, and we could have used the money. But I started thinking about what if, what if he got hurt, what if something happened that was worse, what if, what if, what if, drove myself crazy. LOL. So I'm glad he's home. Now that he is cleared it is entirely possible he will get picked up for another mission, but for now, I'm going to just let sleeping dogs lie and hope they don't think to pick him for another one. LOLAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-56732055910849234222011-03-22T22:43:00.000-04:002011-03-22T22:44:08.443-04:00Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1So the kids and I drove Erik to Norfolk on Sunday. I would have written this yesterday, which actually was day one but I had a migraine. No sleep and crying yourself to sleep will do that. The kids had a hard time saying goodbye, so did I. I tried so hard not to cry but I was failing, thank God I am good at making a bunch of really mean jokes when I am in that position. I mostly wanted to stay strong for the kids. They were on the verge of tears, and they don't even understand what is going on. LOL. <br /><br />I cried myself to sleep. And was a zombie most of the day. I kept getting random urges to cry at the dumbest stuff. And I have the worst thoughts EVER. I can't stop thinking about what if something happens, what if he doesn't come home, what if he finds someone else, what if, what if. I drove myself crazy. It sucks. I have zero control over anything that happens for the next 14 months with him. I've never had to watch someone I cared about walk into a war zone where he might not come out. I also keep thinking that I need to stay positive, but that is really not working well. Especially since for most of my life every time I prayed about something or tried to hope that something wouldn't happen, it inevitably would. So my track record is not lookin' so great. He keeps telling me he is coming back, but then he so blatantly pointed out we couldn't guarantee anything. That really helped. But I can't help feeling like I am playing with fire. I already lost him once and got him back, and now we have gone and volunteered for a really long, really dangerous trip across the world, and I just can't help but have a bad feeling. I keep trying to get it to go away and it's just not working. I don't want to tell him about that, but at the same time I want him to know how I feel and what I think and I want him to promise me he will be okay, and he is not doing a very good job. But I am scared to death that that parking lot will be the last time I ever see him, even though I am keeping all my appendages crossed that it's not.<br /><br />Then I thought up the idea that I could drive back down and see him for the last day or two he was here so we would at least get to spend a little more time together. And he has basically been avoiding that ever since. Can't tell you how wanted I feel right about now. It doesn't matter what I say, or how it actually is doable, it doesn't seem to matter. So now I don't know what to think, which is nothing new. But it is getting old. <br /><br />So many mixed emotions, and I can't seem to get rid of a single one. It totally sucks. I am usually much better at putting this stuff in it's place in my brain and just shutting it down. But he has this retarded grip on me, always has. It pisses me off really. And now I get to go the next 14 months wondering, whether he is coming home, whether he is going to stay with me when he does. I guess only time will tell, huh?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1570883672725686868.post-12087118590335614862011-03-22T11:12:00.000-04:002012-08-11T13:23:37.968-04:00Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111546898000822898noreply@blogger.com0