2016...The year from hell...

I can honestly say that this year has been the most awful year imaginable. Coming from me, that's saying a lot. I remember last New Year's Eve I had told myself that this year would be amazing.  My year. I would be in control of my own destiny and everything was going to work out. I felt very positive about it. 2015 was an awful year full of being stabbed in the back by family and being used for everyone else's purposes so I had decided that 2016 would not be that way. On Christmas Eve I had quit Radio Shack. And even though that was extremely difficult for me to do because I loved that job more than anyone could possibly understand, the corporate structure had become unbearable. I had gotten a job offer from Rent a Center and that in and of itself made me feel like I had good things coming.

Boy was I wrong! So 2016 starts out and I'm trucking along learning the new job. Rent a Center, although it was a terrible job, was working out well because customers were glad to see me there, it was something new and interesting for me to do even though like I mentioned, the job itself was just horrible. I had never worked in rent to own before so it was completely new. The store I had taken over was  a complete disaster between customers who were just not into communication and employees who didn't like the job any more than I did. Of course I didn't let them know how I really felt, they all seemed to be of the same mindset that I was. The company had tied our hands so much in our ability to actually perform our jobs that it was a total nightmare. And then there was my boss, who was a jack ass. I'm not at all sure if he had actually run a difficult store, because he had this idea that you just come in and make people do what you need them to. What he really didn't seem to grasp was that you cannot make people DO anything. Especially when it comes to customers who had the routines down to an art. Come in, get what they need, never contact us again. And with the way RAC did business and with the ridiculous rules in place, that literally meant they got free stuff. 

On top of that this guy had zero respect for me whatsoever. And the DM who had hired me was fired shortly after I was hired so I had nobody to go to and ask for help or tell about the unreal treatment I was getting from this guy. My entire crew quit and I ran the store by myself with no help for a month. This "DM" brought in a bunch of employees at the end of the month to help me catch the store back up and he actually acted like he did me a favor. Needless to say, this guy was a joke by any managerial standards, let alone DM, and I couldn't stand working for him. By the time we parted ways he had told me that I had to do basically all of the jobs. Make all the calls, make the rounds running various past due accounts, while trying to get my employees to do the best they could. Considering I was doing all of the jobs, they didn't have anything to do. And yet when he came in and decided he was "over it" he held the fact that I was doing everything against me. It was absolutely mind blowing and hypocritical, not that that surprised me considering how this guy treated me. 

At the same time I had let my friend Autumn move in and that ended up being a complete disaster from the word go. First off, she wasn't even supposed to move in until the end of July, beginning of August but she had a new girlfriend that she just couldn't live without so before I even knew what was going on we went from "sure you can move in a few months" to "wow, you're moving in this weekend. The downside to that is my kids came for the summer and I didn't plan on having anyone at the house while my kids were there because I wanted to spend time with them. Before I knew it I got a text while I was at work that she was bringing her stuff and she was there. She had already given up her apartment so she had nowhere to go. So, I'm trapped. She moves in with her cats, both were pretty cool cats except for the fact that one of them was a WMD. He tried to destroy pretty much everything he came in contact with. Not to mention they both left cat litter everywhere, my hallway, my kitchen floor, my kitchen counters, everywhere they went they left a trail of cat litter and it was so annoying. She thought it was cute. In her eyes, they could do no wrong. But then again, nothing in the house that they were destroying was hers. Everything belonged to me except what was in her room and they didn't touch that stuff. So I was incredibly irritated with this blase attitude she had about my things.

At the same time TK and I were hanging out more and more often. The presumption was that we would eventually end up together. There were many conversations about it, and as it was, he had told me that in eight years he hadn't dated or been with anyone, which kinda blew my mind but to each his own. I could also understand not being with anyone after so long especially given how people had just walked away from me for years and years. 

That being said we were hanging out a LOT. He would come to my house and watch TV or movies, he would stop by my work, we texted a lot. And more and more we got closer. And then everything all blows up at once.

My kids come to stay the summer with me and I'm happy to have them. I had wanted to keep them longer but my ex is a real piece of work. That being said, they came, Autumn is a complete and total asshole to them THE ENTIRE TIME they are there. I can't for the life of me figure out how she thinks she can do this considering she is a guest in my house who wasn't even supposed to be there yet. But she bitched at them non stop. She also made them clean her cats mess when her GF was coming for the weekend. She bitched at them about the internet, she bitched at them about how much they ate, she did nothing but hound them NON STOP. I am exceptionally pissed off about this because I want the kids to have a good summer and she single handedly is ruining it for all five of us. She's incredibly unpleasant all of the time. All the while she is being completely inappropriate around TK when he comes over. She just never shuts up. Her mouth was running 24/7 about things she didn't even know about. She just kept on being rude and inappropriate, making comments about everything from my personal sex life or lack thereof to making comments about the kids. Nothing I said or did got through to her that she is not behaving in any sort of manner that I am okay with. Completely oblivious to reality. 

And then all at once, she flips out and moves out because my landlords wanted her to be on an application for the property so they knew who she was. I personally to this day think she lied about her military involvement, especially after that entire incident took place. My landlords accused her of dealing drugs to which she seemed guilty. And then she decided to move out without telling me. On top of moving out without telling me until I asked she actually had the gall to say that she had other places lined up in case I ever "did anything to her cats", which I was incredibly offended by considering she knew they were destroying my property and she thought it was funny and cute, and even though she gave me permission to slap him if he did stupid shit like that, I never did. And yet when she needed everyone to feel sorry for her to help her get out of my house, the whole story changed. Suddenly I'm this horrible person. All I did was ask her for a copy of anything proving she was in the military because the landlords said that would be a huge help to show she had no criminal past. Literally, that's it. And here we are.

At the same time TK disowned me and wouldn't talk to me, lied about his phone number all because I told the TRUTH. Yes, the truth people. I still to this day can't wrap my head around it. His brother did something inappropriate and because I didn't make a huge deal out of it and get him thrown out of the bar because I knew I could handle it, he accused me of being a whore and walked away. So now Autumn has officially lost her mind, like actually mental, and TK is not speaking to me at all. And then I lose my job because my boss is "over it". I know he was just using me to hold down the place until he could get who he actually wanted in there. And I get unemployment now so thanks BOSS! 

Kenya and I used to hang out pretty often but then he moved to Spokane so I hardly ever got to hang out with him anymore. Then my "friend" John has some insane shit hit the fan with his kid. But as it turns out, the only reason he cared was because he wanted total control. I wasted a month and a half of my life, literally putting my entire life on hold so I could help him all so I could be treated like any Joe Blow on the street when he didn't need me anymore. So at this point I am batting 1000 and I am just over this year.

I also gave up my house. My so called friends couldn't have cared less about anything that happened to me. Whenever I needed to talk nobody was there. Had my going away "party", really it was just an excuse to say goodbye to everyone, ONLY ONE PERSON SHOWED UP. Honestly, I'm not even sure he showed up because of me, I think he was already going there for whatever reason. This whole year was one gigantic reality check as to who gave a shit about me, and the list was incredibly short. But it did make disappearing a whole lot easier...

To top it all off in November my asshole ex husband decides to file for full custody and he doesn't tell anyone. Not me, not the kids. His new flavor of the year is trying to remove me from their lives all together. She had already blocked my number on his cell phone, the cell phone I PAY FOR. Then she tries to move them across the country but when I veto that she then forces the courts hand in removing me. So now I have to figure out what the kids want so I can make sure I do what's best for them. And the part that pisses me off the most about that whole situation is every single thing, every decision, everything I've done for the past 16 years has been for them. I chose to leave them in MT because that's where they wanted to be. Anyone who thinks that I left them because I was too lazy to take care of them, or didn't want them is completely nuts. It was never that. It's never been that. Jeremy knew, the kids knew, everyone knew why I did it. And yet now I have to defend myself against some chick who's been in their lives all of five minutes in the scheme of things. And they are in a terrible position because they don't want to have to choose and they shouldn't have to. That's why I did it the way I did so they didn't have to. But now they do. And it's all because of that crazy bitch my ex is with. So this is how my year ends.

Not to mention all of the people who have died this year that were exceptional in all sorts of ways, astronomers, actors, John Glen, Leonard Nimoy, Carrie Fisher, and the list goes on, and on, and on. 

So 2016, you can go fuck yourself. I really don't know how much more of this year I could have taken. I'm almost afraid to hope that 2017 is better because well, we see how well that worked out for this year...So maybe I'll just hide and watch from afar. But not until I get this drama worked out with my poor kids. I feel horrible for them and I am just hoping we can get this handled without putting them through too much, especially since the whole reason it's even an issue is purely because of one chicks need for total control. Pathetic...

Men

Be forewarned, I am going to sound like a totally jaded, man hating bitch in this post so let me just say that I don't hate all men, just most of the ones I have ever been with in my lifetime.  LOL.  

When my mom died I snapped for a while, life itself has lost most if not all of it's meaning.  I don't understand why people continue to go through this much pain and grief to just keep waking up to the same pain and grief every day.  Humans are social creatures by nature.  Almost all of the major criminals in the world's past were incapable of attaching themselves in any fashion to other people or they were too attached to one, maybe two, which drove them to the obsessive behavior that created them.  What blows my mind is how, in relation to me, the men that were my "friends", were the ones I cared about, the ones that told me that life was worth living, I'm so great, I'm so pretty, so smart, whatever they were spewing at the time, are the people who are the most uncaring, self absorbed, narcissistic nut jobs I've ever met.  How do I always get involved with screw ups?  It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "I'm here to bled dry, sucked of all life, love, emotion, anything I would have had that made me a positive, outgoing person, just for YOU!".  

My first ex-husband, who has been pining over me since the day we met, waited even after I was married to someone else, for me to come back to him like he was so amazing I wouldn't be able to resist forever.  Now, in his defense, he can be a great guy.  Or at least he used to be.  He was the one person I knew would never lay a hand on me, cheat on me, we have stayed friends even after the divorce and have been trying to keep it together for the kids, so to speak.  As time went on he got less and less controlled.  One night, maybe seven years or so ago, he got shit faced drunk and slammed me up against a wall and screamed in my face to the point that his friends had to pull him off of me.  All because I was trying to keep him from waking the kids up at 4 am with his screaming at me.  He goes through mood swings to the point that it's insane.  One minute he is fine and happy and the next he is going off on me about what a bitch I am and he was only interested in me because I could have kids anymore so he could fuck me and not worry about anything.  The truth that nobody knows about him is that we are divorced because of him.  There is only one thing that caused our demise and it wasn't my doing.  In fact, if you talk to anyone about what really happened they look at me and wonder why I didn't file charges or leave him sooner.  Around year five or six he suddenly decided it was more fun having sex with me in my sleep.  It was to the extent that he wouldn't even try while I was awake sometimes.  He did it while I was staying with him and the kids while I was married to my second husband and I woke up to find him on me.  He did it while we weren't even together.  After the third separation we were still living together because he had given up our apartment and moved us back in (for the third time) with his drunk abusive step dad, which I was highly against but he was convinced we would save money, and then got himself fired immediately after we got there.  A week, to be exact.  He then had sex with me in my sleep after offering to give me a back massage because I had worked that day and I got pregnant with my third baby.  I would never give that boy back for anything, but the circumstances of his conception are less than ideal.  I couldn't take anymore.  I couldn't be married to someone who was too much like my father.  I gave him so many chances to fix it and he just wouldn't.  I found him counselors, tried to get him jobs he wanted to do, everything I did got met with dismissal or resistance.  

Now here we are, four years after the divorce.  He is using the kids to try and manipulate me, as he always does.  But he is refusing to let me see them, talk to them, he made damn sure I couldn't get them down to CDA during the summer.  And now he is refusing to let me take MY daughter so I can undo the damage he is creating with her.  She is completely lost, she has no idea who she is anymore, and he is more into her being a boy than he is with his own boys being boys.  He leaves the boys at home constantly while he goes places, shopping, baseball games, they are always home with his mother who doesn't work, doesn't do anything, she just sits there, and eats.  Oz on the other hand is always with him, or she's out doing her own thing, half the time with no permission.  The problem with this is that he has no legal right to her whatsoever.  He has her because I didn't want to split her and the boys up but she has gotten to the point where if she does not get some sort of positive female influence she is gonna be messed up for the rest of her life.  A month ago he wanted me to take her, this month, because now it's my idea based on his lack of ability to raise her properly, he doesn't want me to.  I am sick of this guy using the kids and putting them in the middle of everything.  He's even got her arguing for him.  He has always used them to keep me coming back to his house.  He uses them to look good to his friends.  He wants to look like a hero without doing anything heroic.  So he keeps the kids, lies about what is really going on, the fact that I wanted to take them for a while, the fact that I try to be involved with what they do and he refuses to tell me anything that is going on at their schools or vacations until the last second or after the fact, and I can't do anything at that point.  He lies to everyone making it sound like he is so awesome and I am nothing, until he thinks he might get me back, then I'm okay.  I have been blatantly clear about not going back to him but he just can't get it through his head.  And now the kids are the only thing that keeps me around, guarantees I'll have to keep coming back.  And the kids just plain old don't understand.  I just can't deal with the manipulation anymore.  I didn't have kids with him to have them be used to control me forever.  I want to be able to see them and talk to them without them having to feel like they are breaking the rules for talking to their own mother.  How pathetic is that?  
Not to mention the fact that he is racist to everyone who isn't white.  My children think the N word is the appropriate word to be used in reference to a black person.  He is prejudicial against everyone including people on welfare and yet he collects food stamps.  Go figure.  He judges everyone he comes in contact with with.  Obesity, yet both him and his mother are grossly overweight.  Women are useless pieces of meat to him, and yet he seeks them out for his own personal gain, primarily sex and that's it.  And my kids are learning all of these ridiculous behaviors and I am powerless to do anything about it, yet.

So for the record, I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy when I didn't actually do anything wrong besides leaving a rapist.  It's about time I vent considering I've been letting him badger me for years and manipulate everything.  If I had known he would pull this crap back then I would have been more proactive in stopping him.  But I was too nice and never expected this behavior from him.  I guess no one is really who they seem in this world.

Just wanted to tell my side of the story.  I'm sick of the Jeremy's and Jason's and Erik's of the world getting to say or do whatever they want about me or anything else and always getting away with it.  Nobody holds anyone accountable for their actions anymore.  Oh the stories I could, and probably will, tell.....LOL

Can't sleep

Well I can't sleep so I figured I would write.  That should help, hopefully.  LOL.

So Jason cheated on me.  I'm pretty sure I posted that somewhere in here.  And two weeks ago I stayed with him when I went up for Oz's high school enrollment prep, 6 hours of driving for 20 minutes of paperwork.  It was kind of messed up really.  I have no problem doing stuff for the kids.  But it would have been nice if it had been more of a worthwhile expenditure all because Jeremy had a meeting with the school board and didn't want to leave work 20 minutes early to be able to take her.  Again, not complaining about her, I obviously want to help the kids and be there for them when they need me as often as I can.  It's just frustrating that I get called in for little bursts of redundant crap rather than something important or meaningful.  But oh well.  

That being said, I talked to Jason for the first couple of days that I was gone and then I stopped talking.  We didn't talk for a week, he didn't say a word.  On Friday I broke down like a sap and texted him, and he said he was just about to text me.  Not sure I believe that but okay.  I bitched at him, which I can't seem to help doing.  He's really pissed me off and hurt me so much over the past few months.  But then we talked and joked like we normally do, and this week we're talking like nothing happened.  I'm not sure what changed.  I always have to analyze him and try to understand.  Try being the operative word.  He's such a conundrum.  He was avoiding me like the plague, afraid getting sucked back in or something, and now he's talking about possibly coming to visit ME.  I spent the last year trying to get him to come visit me and it was like I was trying to cut off a limb.  LOL.  Now he's actually thinking about coming here and I just don't get it.  Like my previous comment, I'm not complaining.  But it's so confusing when he pulls this back and forth stuff.  I've completely washed my hands of trying to be everyone's friend, or trying to make life easier for everyone else, or caring all together.  But that doesn't mean I don't get completely lost anyway.  LOL.  

It's interesting to me how much I have changed in the past couple of months.  I have literally become a dead, soulless version of myself.  Nothing that happens around me or to me has any emotional effect whatsoever.  I have a hell of a time explaining it to people also.  I care to the extent that I want to know things, or am curious of the thinking behind people's comments or actions, but as far as any emotional attachment or reaction, I have none.  It's weird also, because I don't really know how to be this person and yet I am.  I do it without even thinking.  I don't filter anything, I don't pause to think through what I'm about to say before saying it, I'm just here doing whatever I happen to do on any given day with no perception of time or destination.  Finishing a task or reaching a goal holds no meaning for me anymore.  I used to have pride, care what people thought of my work, strive to achieve better tomorrow than I did today.  Now I not only don't care about tomorrow but I almost dread it for the sake of whatever shit may be thrown at me that I don't feel like dealing with because I just don't care enough to deal with it.  So I find it interesting that now that I am this emotionless, non caring entity Jason suddenly wants to hang out or do things.  It's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a while.  LOL.  

The only upside to my new found lack of involvement with life in general, well there's a couple I guess, is that he can't hurt me, at least for now.  I no longer let Jeremy use the kids as a tether to keep me around for his sake.  He's none too happy about it but I'm sure he'll live.  It's a lesson he needs to learn whether he likes it or not.  You can only use the kids as a bargaining chip for so long before the other person gets smart about the game that's being played.  I no longer get sucked into meaningless shit for the sake of helping someone, or thinking I'm doing good when all I'm doing is enabling whoever it happens to be at the time to continue using me, manipulating me, But it's funny how everyone stops being your friend when you become that person....

addicted

Did you ever notice how life is just one big addiction? Addicted to love. Addicted to money.  Addicted to work. Addicted to tv. Addicted to drugs. Addicted to food.  Addicted to alcohol. People always chase what they crave. Every single person does it in the entire world.  Yet, everyone in the entire world is so quick to pass judgment on everyone for doing the same exact thing.  Most pass judgment because they either care about who theyre judging or they are so full of their own beliefs that they have to shove them down peoples' throats. I think people should just accept that everyone is different.  Stop trying to change people. Stop thinking that everyone needs to be like you. The thought that you cant have friends or get along in the world unless you change the people around you to be like you is ridiculous.  Change is the spice of life.  Different people teach you different things, broaden your horizons and open your mind to all kinds of things you may not have come up with on your own.  Doesnt mean you have to like all of their opinions or thoughts but dont judge them for being different. 

Life

Sitting alone in my house, I look around at the emptiness and wonder if it's all worth it.  When I was younger I had five careers I was going to do in my lifetime, I had this big plan juggling the school and the jobs.  I was to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, a writer and a teacher.  I would go to school to be a doctor and start my pre-reqs for being a lawyer, I would become a doctor and finish law school.  I would be a singer in between, I would write in my off time, and then when all of that was done and I was "ready to retire" I would be a teacher and teach history or writing to high school kids.  I wanted to teach high school because they are the hardest to teach, the hardest to keep interested in what they are learning.  College, the kids opt to go, they may not like all the subjects but they choose to be there.  The younger grades, the kids are eager to learn, they want to go to school and learn and hang out with their friends, and love their teachers (usually).  But high school, that's where the challenge is.  High schoolers would rather ditch class, go hang out with their friends, when they start to develop wings of their own and try to fly in whatever direction the wind takes them at any given moment.  Sometimes it's the wrong direction, sometimes it's the best direction they could have chosen, but overall they are trying to find their own way in life and cutting ties with their parents, rebelling against authority, they don't choose to be at school, they are forced to be there by the powers that be and they usually don't have any interest in being there.  Those are the kids I wanted to inspire, teach them to make their own destiny, help them to find interest in the education they so want to leave behind.  Just the thought of teaching them inspires me.  When I got pulled out of school in fourth grade all of that kind of went out the window.  First we went to St. George, Utah.  We lived in a motorhome at the Redwood RV Park.  My brother and I made two friends there, they were the only friends we were really allowed to have and we could only hang out with the kids, my parents never got to know anyone really.  We lived there for a year.  My dad lived in California still, we stayed off the grid because they wanted me in court in California and they didn't want me to go.  The only thing we did was horses, I rode all the time, my mom bought and sold horses like crazy.  My mother and I went riding one day, she was on her horse TW and I was on Maggie, this ranch broke Morgan mare that I had no business being on, in a saddle that was too big, and she took off with me after her horse kicked mine in the face.  She ran to the barn, I screamed, and the last thing I remember was my hands reaching for the saddle and my legs above me as I slid off upside down, and then everything went black.  I had blood coming out of my nose, my body was tingling like a million ants were crawling on me, at least that's how the story goes.  My brother said I kept getting on my hands and knees and crawling in circles complaining about the ants.  I remember the wind of the helicopter, and the lights of the ambulances for about two seconds when I regained consciousness as they put me in the helicopter.  The only other time I woke up was when the oxygen burned my nose while I was on the chopper, I knocked it out and overheard the medics talking about me.  The pilot asked how I was doing, the doctor with me said I was doing well and a fighter but we needed to get there soon.  I woke up several days later in ICU, I don't remember much else.  The doctors had said my parents should prepare, if the swelling didn't kill me the bleeding would, it was a bad crack and severe head trauma.  But I walked out of that hospital, and to this day I'm not sure why.  We left St. George and moved to Carson City, we were there until I was about 11, my mother got pregnant with my sister.  Biggest mistake ever.  Well, I can't say that, she's made a couple big ones, but this was definitely one of them.  While she was pregnant we moved to Pahrump, Nevada.  All kinds of things happened while we were there.  Just that five year span would take me hours to write about.  Needless to say a lot happened and I grew up way faster than I ever wanted to, and still no school.  I had a total of maybe three friends the entire time we were there.  When I was 15 I moved to California with my dad, which last until I was 16 and a half and then I went into a foster home.  That is when I was able to go back to school, but at that point it was so late, I'm not even sure what the point was.  California insisted that it was because I needed the social aspect of high school.  The problem with their theory was that I wasn't allowed to do anything.  I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, do much of anything, it was horrible.  And I spent so much of my time doing classes, seven classes in high school, four nights a week of night school, to try and catch up this mess that I didn't have time to do anything anyway.  

That being said, I'm now 33, I'm the store manager at Radio Shack in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  This is my second store.  Everyone tells me that work isn't everything, money isn't everything, yet everyone chooses money over people.  My daughter is 13 now, her father didn't want her because he wasn't ready.  Instead of fighting and forcing the situation I left, and moved to Montana.  To this day he is content paying the child support, he only sees her when he happens to be around in the same vicinity.  Convenience is key.  He doesn't see it that way, he loves her, and that should be enough, but he's not around, money replaces his presence.  My first husband, we got along great and he is a great guy, but he would never keep a job while we were together.  Now that we're not together he is doing all the things that he should have done while we were together, including keeping his job.  All we did was fight about money because we couldn't even afford to buy food half the time, and now that I'm gone he does fine.  I had a "boyfriend" along the way who stole my money all the time, used other people all the time, I meant no more to him than anyone else did yet he lived with me for a year and a half.  All I was was a bank account, there to give him what he wanted.  My second husband, all he cared about was money, status, the latest and greatest toys, looking good to the rest of the world.  And now my current other half, he hates that I work so much, he hates that I choose to work than have time off, and yet he is choosing his job over everything, including me.  

Everyone says they worry about me, my health, working too much, not taking good care of myself, not sleeping.  But no one ever invests any time in me like I do everyone else.  I'm not trying to sound like a saint, I do the best I can, but no one is perfect and no one ever will be.  What I have always found interesting is that people always tell me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do, but they never physically help me.  They never come to my rescue when I'm down, they never want to help me, they just want to tell me what to do.  I've always been a workaholic, I've always been very career driven, but not for money, it's for my own personal gratification.  I as a general rule, hate money.  Money ruins lives, changes people, turns them into something they're not and it's horrible.  I work because I want to.  But how can people tell me I work too much?  How can people tell me that money isn't everything and then choose it over people they care about?  I choose the people I care about and I take care of them, I give out money because that's what they care about, I drive all day, juggle my schedule and make myself sick, sacrificing everything from money to time to emotional and physical well being, and yet they say I shouldn't do it, but they keep ASKING ME TO.  The only way I can keep the people in my life at this point is to keep doing it, and yet they keep telling me I shouldn't, and then asking me to.  It makes no sense to me.  At this point I feel like nothing I do is right. I focused on my career to be able to buy my people the things they want, to be able to take care of them, to be able to help them if they need it, and to put the kids through college.  This is what people want from me.  Helping people gives me purpose.  Take Jason for instance, my whole world revolves around him.  I love him, I drive to see him, I try to take care of him when he's sick, when he's upset, I talk to him, I think about him all the time, and yet he is always telling me I do too much, I work too much, I need to take better care of myself.  And in the same breath he will want me to drive up to see him, I will stay up until three am making food, hanging out, talking, and then drive back to open my store at 8:30 am.  LOL.  I want to see him, I obviously choose to do it, but don't make me feel bad for doing it.  I have to do what I have to do.  And yet he is choosing his job, which is replaceable, all jobs are replaceable, over me.  He won't come here because of his job, yet he wants me to not choose mine.  It's so confusing.  He says money isn't everything, then he chooses to stay with his job because of the money.  He chooses money over me, a person who cares about him, who wants him around and yet he tells me not to do the same thing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to quit and move back, or what he wants, but it's hard fighting everyone, trying to make a career for myself so I can take care of those I love, and because that is what makes me, me, when they are doing the same things and then telling me I shouldn't.  But it would be ridiculous for me to quit because I make more than most anyone I know that's close to me.  And the only way for any of this to work is for one of us to be able to support the other for a short time, to be able to afford the gas for the trips back and forth, and it all comes down to money.  

Honestly I think people want to care about me but I'm not worth any actual effort.  To keep me around is too much work for them, so they stick around until they have to do something and then they bail.  Every single person I've been with has done that.  They are more than happy to keep me around, be with me, spend time with me, as long as I do all the work.  As soon as I can't keep up it fades away.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I'm so tired and yet I have to keep going.  And all the negativity around me is relentless.  Everyone telling me I'm not doing the right things.  Sometimes I just want to give up, which is so not like me.  I'm not the quitting type, never have been, so it's even more frustrating.  But no one will give an inch, they keep taking and taking, and won't give a little at all.  And I feel very alone.  I feel very unsupported.  I guess I should go back to being the career driven dreamer who had her own life plans and worried less about those around her.  But I've changed since I was younger, I get attached to people now and then now whereas when I was younger I couldn't have cared less, which kind of brings me to my first point.  

Is it all worth it?  When you find someone in life that you can be with, really be with, laugh with, cry with, talk to, is it worth staying with a job for that?  Is it worth staying career driven?  I made the choice to move because I thought it was the best choice for me, for anyone I knew, all like, three of them.  But now all I've done is make life harder on me.  Now I'm living two separate lives, but there isn't enough of me to go around.  I'm not sure how to fix it, and no one seems to understand.  And this is why I feel like quitting.  No one is willing to help me follow my path, I just help them stay on theirs.    

All I'm doing is venting as you can see.  LOL.  I just don't get to talk much so I'm talking to the abyss that is the Internet instead.  One of these days something will give and I will know what my purpose is, right now I just feel like a stepping stone for everyone around me.  It kinda sucks.  

One Year In

I haven't made a post in quite a while.  So much has happened, and yet so much hasn't changed at all.  LOL.  

I started at Radio Shack in Kalispell, October 26th, 2012.  My one year just passed, happy anniversary to me.  LOL.  And I'm in a new store already.  Now I'm at Radio Shack Coeur d'Alene and have been since August 1st, officially.  I wasn't supposed to be able to get a new store until my 12 months but somehow I got to anyway.  I was so excited about getting the big store in the district, and being promoted before 12 months since that wasn't supposed to be possible.  But the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit and I'm not sure how to get it back.  I had to leave Jason behind.  I left the kids behind too but I go and see them, and honestly they would rather live with their father anyway because he is the gamer and the "fun" one.  I go back and see them when I can, and they do so much better in the school they're in than a school I could put them in.  I don't want them to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of my job.  But Jason, I can't replace him.  Some people say he's just a guy, go find a new one.  Others say that long distance relationships are hard, but have nothing more to say.  It's interesting because I knew when I took this store I ran the risk of losing him, I knew it was a lot to ask of him to move to a place with me, for me.  Every week since I left I have gone back at least once, to see him, be with him.  I'm not one to give up easily, so I fight for what we could be if he came here, if we get the chance to be together.  I'm just so tired.  The drive is killing me.  This new store is insanely exhausting.  I can't figure out why it's so exhausting but it is.  A lot of it is mentally exhausting, trying to do the right thing, watch and coach my team, give them the best chance to be successful so I don't have to be there all day every day just for them to be successful.  I'm under tons of pressure to keep this store functioning at full potential, not only from the powers that be but from my myself.  Every day I come home to an empty house and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him, and tell him about my day, watch TV with him while we talk about stupid stuff and laugh.  I miss that, I miss the way he makes me feel better, and making him feel better, the way he gives me purpose, cooking for him, supporting each other when it feels like no one else understands.  We're both weird, and dorky, and silly and together we are great, we understand each other in a weird way.  I want him here.  He says he is psyching himself up to move, thinking about it, not sure, definitely thinking about it, I can't keep up.  I hate not knowing is the thing that bugs the crap out of me.  Every minute that passes is just another minute I miss him more.   Somewhere along the line in the last year, he became a fixture in my life, someone that I needed and not just wanted, someone that I relied on to keep myself grounded, and give my personal life purpose.  I shouldn't need anyone, but I do.  I have purpose, I could do anything I wanted myself, but I don't want to do just for me, I want him included, I want him here to be a part of everything I do, I want to be a part of everything he does.  I want us to be us, and take on the world as us, and right now all I can do is wait.  Waiting is so hollow, empty, wasting time apart when we could be together.  

Enough whining for now, I need to sleep but I'm sure I'll write more later.  ;)  

Complicated

Why are the most uncomplicated things complicated?  LOL.  I swear, nothing is ever easy anymore.  Things don't just happen.  There always has to be something, something that gets in the way.  I've been the queen of adapt and overcome my whole life.  But why does it seem like I can't just be at any given moment without having to?  It's damned exhausting is what it is.  I'm presented with decisions I don't want to make, plain and simple.  And once again, I have to be the bigger person, the one who makes the right decision long term instead of being able to just live in the now.  All these issues, things I can't change, things I can't fix, and it will drive these decisions forever I think.  I don't think I will ever truly get to be happy, happy with myself, happy with my life, become complacent and comfortable.  It will never happen.  There will always be a dark cloud hovering over my head, the rain on my parade, and it pisses me off.  

So now I have to figure out what to do.  On the one hand I could be selfish and just run with it (it being the issue), make the decision based on the now and fuck the future.  But on the other hand I can't do that, because for everyone involved, someone has to make the choice instead of being caught up in the now, and reduce the amount of damage done later.  But how do you predict the future?  How do you even know if there will be damage in the future without getting there?  FUCK!  I don't know what to do.....I'm not sure there is a right answer but there has to be one that works, right?