I'm sick of this crap

I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap. I put myself out there and I apologize repeatedly and I get walked all over and treated like total shit. It's ridiculous how I get treated sometimes. It's like I'm not worth anything, I'm not worth the effort, no one cares about how I feel or what I say. And everyone ALWAYS listens to everyone else and never asks me, never wants to know what I think or what I say about anything. Mainly one person. And one guy, Karl Oehrtman, has judged me without even knowing me. He goes to church once a week and then he acts like he is so perfect, so righteous. He forgot that to pass judgment alone makes him an evil person. And he paid my ex husband off to divorce me. How righteous and perfect is that? And now my ex husband can't even respond to a question that he said he would answer, because he is following in daddy's footsteps. It's absolutely unfathomable to me how someone can be that way. I don't get it. And I can't get any answers. I try to let it go and then I am just shocked by some other behavior that just baffles me. And the arrogance, considering the things I know, blows me away too. The fact that I could bury careers and yet they just act like I don't exist. And at this point I don't owe them anything. They treat me like shit. So what's to keep me from doing it? What's to keep me being the nice guy, the one who protects them? Why should I? It's because I'm the bigger person. But that is wearing thin. It's about to turn into a battle of wits that I always win. I may not be perfect but when it comes to revenge, I'm the best chef there is. And I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy, the one who keeps considering their future, when they keep treating me like I'm nothing, less than nothing. I don't deserve that. I may have lost my mind but I didn't treat him like a nothing for over half our marriage because people told me to, like he did. And he won't tell me anything. He's having a blast fucking whoever, doing whatever, having his cake and eating it too, and I'm about to put a stop to that and knock them both off their high horse. There is only so much one person can take before they break, before it's not worth it anymore, before it becomes too much for them to take. And I'm angry, I'm pissed off that I put so much in and take nothing away from it except hurt and pain and being treated like a nobody. And it's about to end, and I can tell you that I won't suffer if I stop caring, I will be the only one who comes out of it unscathed. They would be wise to remember that a little respect goes a long way.

Fundraising

I really want to get this fundraiser going that I'm working on. I've got the idea. I don't have a date for it yet, but it won't be for at least six months so I'm not overly stressed about a date just yet. But I cannot get information ABOUT fundraising from anywhere! I have posted questions on various sites, sent off for information, asked people on the inside, and I have gotten zero support or response. It's really disappointing! I have this fantastic idea, and I could probably raise a lot of money to help the people I want to help, and I can't get anyone to help support it whatsoever! All I need is some information on the rules and regs of doing a fundraiser. Can I do a fundraiser for a cause without doing a major licensing or registration for it? I don't need to do anything major because I'm not an official fundraising organization, yet. ;) But the fact is I can't get anyone to help with anything! I'm so irritated to be honest. I don't understand how people can claim to be supportive of something, like the military, and yet I ask the military people for help and I get nothing. And I absolutely mean zero, I got no response from anyone or anyplace that I posted questions. I could go off by myself and just do it, say fuckem', but the fact is I don't really want to get nailed on a technicality down the road because I was uninformed. But I can't get the information I'm looking for anywhere. And of course the already established charities want half the money for themselves so they won't offer up any information. I want none of the money. It is absolutely non profit across the board. I just want to collect money from people so I can donate it to one cause and guarantee it actually goes where I want it to. Because half the time you donate to an organization and only $.10 on the dollar actually goes TO the cause. Screw that, I want it ALL to go where it belongs, to the people or cause that I'm donating to. So what do I do? How do I get it going and start promoting it if I don't even know the fundamentals about it? Sigh, I'm so frustrated :(

I'm so going to be

I'm so going to be one of those people that 50 years from now wakes up and realizes that my soul mate got away and no one ever came close to being that guy again.

I'm sad

I'm sad. I try to move forward but I'm stuck. I want to tell one person about my day, and hear about theirs, and I can't. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. I want to know that people are okay, and they ignore me like I mean nothing. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I care, or how much I want to help, and I feel like it never has mattered. I feel like a speed bump in the road, run over 100's of times a day without anyone even realizing I'm actually there. And when I try to get up off the road, I get passed by, unnoticed that I got up, and tried to keep going even though I'm just a block of asphalt. No credit for overcoming the obstacles, and getting knocked down just to get back up again. It's a weird analogy I know, but it makes sense to me. LOL. Silence is the worst. It's funny that perfect strangers will walk up to me and tell me their entire life story and want me to fix it. Yet those who I want to help and want to listen to just meet me with silence. It's deafening, literally. It hurts my head to hear nothing. To be treated like nothing. Especially when so many words were exchanged that were to the contrary until it mattered most. Then it was like nothing ever happened, and I was forgotten. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I thought it was different this time. I thought he was the bigger man, the better man, the best. And yet, he is acting like all the others, even though we were so different. I could move on if I knew why, if I knew what happened, if I knew what changed. But I'm literally hung up, as if my shirt is caught on a barbed wire fence and the more I try to listen, the more I want to know, the more I care, the more I get tangled up in the fence until it's wrapped me so tight I can't breathe, which is where I'm at now. And the part that kills me, the part that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. He says he does, says he's "sorry I'm hurting", but he's just leaving me here, tangled in the fence with no regard for the fact that I am suffocating. And I don't know why. I get that I said horrible things, but people say things when they're angry. Hell, he physically did things when he was angry. But I was willing to let it go, I did let it go. But being met with silence when you try so hard to get to the truth is stifling. It's like everything in the world freezes, including me, and there is nothing left for me to do. I gave him lots of crap over things that may or may not have happened, what he doesn't understand is that I just wanted the truth. That's it. I say things to get some sort of reaction because I'm not getting anywhere any other way. When I didn't talk he wouldn't talk and then he would get mad that I wouldn't talk. But what can I do? I talk, we don't really talk. He won't listen. He won't talk. And the infuriating part is that I could move on if we would just talk, but he won't talk. And he knows that I would move on if he would talk, but he won't talk. It's like he wants me here, waiting. I'm the backup when all else fails or the family dies and he has no one else. To me family is different, I'm used to thinking for myself, I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to not calling mommy or daddy every time something happens, I'm used to facing the issues head on, and dealing with them. Hiding is not in my vocabulary. And it doesn't solve anything. But he won't listen. And he won't talk. So I'm stuck, frozen in time. And I think he likes it that way, which isn't helping. So I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't get anywhere, or move on, or get the truth. The truth is all I want, all I wanted, all I ever want. But the truth scares people, they think they can hide from it but they can't. The truth never goes away. It just eats a hole in you, and rots you from the inside out, until it turns into this gross time bomb that will destroy you. And to me the truth is all that matters. Money comes and goes, friends come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, everything comes and goes and in the end you still die and then you're dead and there is nothing. But the truth, whether it's in another person or in yourself, is always there. It never goes away. Respect, trust, honesty, those are what matter, because no matter what material things you have around you, people, things, they will go away, but to be honest and trust someone or something is forever. And to be able to put your whole self into something and know that it's real, like really real, is not something that happens every day. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even happen in a life time. 99% of the population go through life never finding that, ever. So to piss it away out of fear of the truth is just silly to me. To find someONE even that will stay with you no matter what the truth is, and keep your secrets even when they've been thrown to the wolves, who will stand by you no matter how bad it got or gets, is even more rare and special. And yet, people just throw it away, trample it for the sake of making others happy. It makes no sense to me. You only have one life to live, so why would you live it based on what others THINK you should do, because they aren't around, they aren't there, they don't have to live your life, so why would you let them control it? It's unfathomable to me. Especially when they are clearly out for themselves. I see so much of my mother in another person, one in particular, that it's scary. The "bring them down so they don't do better than me" mentality. But again, he won't listen. Denial is a terrible thing. Arrogance is also terrible. They ruin people. Especially when they are used for evil and not for good. Selfishness is up there too. To watch someone you love destroy something amazing for the sake of your own pride and self righteousness is disgusting, especially when it's your own kid. And my defend everyone personality is really kicking in at this point. I must save everyone, even if it's from themselves. So it's infuriating to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives for the sake of someone who doesn't care, who thinks money is the key to happiness, who thinks that all that matters is money and education, because respect, trust, love, honesty, caring, none of that matters to them if they have money. Money sucks people! Money is the root of all evil! It turns people into greedy assholes who don't care about anyone or anything. It's disgusting. Because in case people hadn't noticed, you earn it to spend it, it's gone before you even get it most of the time, money is horrible! So why would you let it run your life? Why would you put self worth and personal worth on money? That's pathetic. Of course you NEED money to survive in this day and age, but it's not everything. Not by a long shot. And to put your life's choices on money is also pathetic. Buying your child's love because you were too lazy to invest the time, is pathetic. Writing a check to try and heal wounds, pathetic. Choosing who you love based on money, pathetic. Passing judgment on people in your self righteous, religion based bias, pathetic. God would not approve. So I'm sad. I'm sad that people exist that are like this, that can't get over themselves long enough to realize that there are things that make people happy that they may not approve of but because they don't "agree" they just have to twist the knife, they just have to manipulate and screw people up. And I feel sorry for those who are not strong enough to stand up to those who are like that and say, I know that my decision is better than this. I know that it's the right choice for me and I don't care what you think. I feel sorry for those who are weak, and afraid, and don't realize that if that person is so against their decisions then they are not good people in their lives anyway. They are not out for their best interests. They don't care. They are selfish and don't belong in your life. People should learn to live for themselves and do what they want because they want it and not someone else. This doesn't mean go jump off a cliff. But it does mean that they should know when something is right for them and they should fight for it, they should stand up for it, they should live their lives because in the end they are the ones who have to lie in their death bed and think back on their lives and think about all the regrets, all the things they passed over for the ones who said no, they don't agree. And I wish that people understood this. Because it makes me sad.

Too much

I worry too much. So much that I'm stuck. I care too much. So much I can't stand. I feel too much. So much that it hurts. I want so much. So much, out of touch.

Starting out

Well, I'm trying to start over. And I'm doing okay, but I have a ghost haunting me that won't help me move forward. LOL. I've faced all my demons, but one. And the one is avoiding me like the plague, which I totally don't understand. I mean, I get that I freaked out and lost my mind and said things, but saying things is better than saying nothing, which is what I've been getting for over a year. I feel like even though I invested everything I was the only one investing. And I feel like that's how it always goes with everything. I put more in than any human being would even consider and then I get left in the wind because I'm never worth fighting for. And this isn't the first time. This has happened before, just left behind like I was worth nothing. I'm so sick of it. People see me and I'm just a pretty face that can be used until the going gets tough and then no one fights to make it work, or help out, or do anything. No one ever fights for me. So whatever, my new beginning is fighting for things I believe in personally and not any one person in particular. I will fight for the one until he disappears into the past or steps up and becomes the man I know he is but everyone else has convinced him he's not. It infuriates me that there is so much negative in his life, and yet he continues to feed into their bullshit like they actually mean something. Blood relation means nothing if people are bringing you down and sabotaging you on purpose, but he doesn't get that. I see it. I've lived it. I know what it looks like and he doesn't get it and he doesn't respect me enough to listen now thanks to the naysayers around him. So I will wait. Because I know the person that he really is, even if he doesn't get that yet. Family and friends are only real family and friends if they actually support you. Just because they are blood related and can throw a check at you to buy your love doesn't mean that they are real people. I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy than have family that throws a check at me and be miserable. Especially if my being miserable is what they want to make themselves feel better, to justify who they are and the bad decisions they've made. I wish he understood what I understand. I wish he could see but right now he is blinded by the negative around him and he is drowning in it. And he's throwing everything away because of it. But I know he knows deep down what is really going on. He is afraid. Afraid of standing against them, afraid to stand up for himself, and I find it ironic that he's afraid of me because I am the one person in the entire world that he could trust with anything and everything and never have to worry. Even now I keep his secrets and I get no credit for that. When I told him I loved him and I was there for him there is no one in the entire world he could trust more than me when I say it. I had no ulterior motives. And I made that blatantly clear throughout our relationship. I didn't want his money, his insurance, his house, nothing. I just wanted him and it made no difference to him. I was thrown away out of fear. I just wish I knew where that fear came from, so I'll wait. While I'm waiting I am going to be doing a fundraiser for military veterans, which is going to be amazing if I can organize it and promote it effectively. I'm very excited about it. I just wish he were here to participate and enjoy it too, because I know he would love it. But I will go on alone because I want to do it, because I believe in it, and I want to help people even if I never get anything in return. The nice thing about fundraisers and volunteer work is that there is no repayment, no expectation of getting anything in return, and no backstabbing. If I run it there is no undermining, no getting screwed by outside forces, it's just me and my goal. And that I can put myself into without any fear of being thrown away. I'm very excited. I think it will be fun. Even the coordination and work on it will be fun, the promoting and the effort I put in. And when I get to go and make someone's day with the work that I put in, the reward will be monumental. I just wish he was here to share in it. He would appreciate it and love it, but he's too busy being blinded and trying to force himself to deny reality. Sigh.... Wish me luck, I have a big thing happening in about an hour and I am excited. So wish me luck, I need all the help I can get right now. LOL

A letter to my mother

This past two weeks has been a journey of self discovery. I have faced those who have "hurt" me and I have begged forgiveness of those who I should not have let go. Since I cannot see my mother face to face because she is hiding out who knows where, I will write to her here and whatever happens, happens. LOL. She either reads it or not but at least it won't be sitting in me anymore. Dear Mom, I have looked back on the past 20 years and I have realized a lot. For instance, I have spent 90 percent of the time taking care of everyone else, running around making sure everyone else was okay, had what they needed. I sacrificed time, my husband, education, all for the sake of sitting around worrying about everyone else. I have no problem helping people. Hell, you called CPS on me three times and I still helped you. I went and saw Dad this last week. Don't bother trying to get anyone in trouble, everyone of any import already knows. But I learned about why what happened happened between the two of us. I walked down memory lane of the things that were fuzzy when I was little. I remembered things that I had forgotten. The ironic part is Dad wanted me to be mad at him. Or at least to have gone through some bout of anger at him for what had happened. He asked me if I was mad at him ever. And the fact is, no. I was never mad at him. I wasn't mad at him because somewhere in my little brain I realized that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, but not in the sense that we're placing blame. Yes, he did what he did. But he is the damaged one. He is the one who had the "screw" loose, so to speak. But the fact is, YOU are the one who chose him. I told you when I was nine years old and you made a conscious decision to go back to him and put me in the position that I was in again. So I was never mad at him. I was mad at YOU. This gave me a whole new clarity as to your letters when you cried and whined about why I hate you so much, why I'm so mean to you, why you "don't know why I'm so angry all the time". Well the fact is, you chose him in your right mind. He wasn't in his right mind. So that is why I am so "angry with you all the time". The ironic part is I tried to make amends with you. I tried to forgive you. I drove to Carson City and make up with you. I tried to visit with you when I had Odie. And again at Richard's house. The fact is, YOU held the grudge because you still can't accept that he chose me over you instead of the other way around. If he dared to leave you, or choose someone else, it had to be someone else manipulating him into it instead of it just being a choice he made, right or wrong state of mind being the driving force. So you've been taking your anger and hatred of him out on me for the duration because you just couldn't bring yourself to blame him, because then you would have to admit that you chose him, knowing what he did, over me and the safety of your kids. And that is absolutely unfathomable for you. You have never been one to be able to take blame. And you have spent my entire life blaming me for everything you have ever screwed up, or done wrong, and your failed marriage, ever since because I am an easy scapegoat. I'm not there, I'm not around you, you hate me anyway and that way you can keep from looking in the mirror every day and knowing what you did. And the alcohol just made that deflection easier, completely diluted you into thinking your reality was reality. The fact is, you have absolutely no idea what happened. And you don't want to know, because again, that would mean you would have to accept the fact that you chose him over your offspring. But it all boils down to this. I don't care anymore. I have let go of all the hate, and all the anger, and all of the abandonment issues you left me with, and all of your blame, and I will no longer be carrying it with me. Because I get it now. And I am no longer carrying your blame and your anger with me. And I no longer accept your deflections. You're my mother, I don't have to love you but I can forgive you. I know what is my fault and what isn't in all of this. And the answer is none. It was not my fault what happened with dad, it was not my fault that you did what you did, and I am no longer going to allow myself to wonder "what did I do?". Maybe one day you can accept the things that are your fault, and accept the things that aren't, and be happy and be successful, find more in life, and teach Athena that life is what you make it, not what everyone around you makes it. This is a new lesson I learned and I am glad that I learned it before I was dead. Find peace. I forgive you. The