One Year In

I haven't made a post in quite a while.  So much has happened, and yet so much hasn't changed at all.  LOL.  

I started at Radio Shack in Kalispell, October 26th, 2012.  My one year just passed, happy anniversary to me.  LOL.  And I'm in a new store already.  Now I'm at Radio Shack Coeur d'Alene and have been since August 1st, officially.  I wasn't supposed to be able to get a new store until my 12 months but somehow I got to anyway.  I was so excited about getting the big store in the district, and being promoted before 12 months since that wasn't supposed to be possible.  But the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit and I'm not sure how to get it back.  I had to leave Jason behind.  I left the kids behind too but I go and see them, and honestly they would rather live with their father anyway because he is the gamer and the "fun" one.  I go back and see them when I can, and they do so much better in the school they're in than a school I could put them in.  I don't want them to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of my job.  But Jason, I can't replace him.  Some people say he's just a guy, go find a new one.  Others say that long distance relationships are hard, but have nothing more to say.  It's interesting because I knew when I took this store I ran the risk of losing him, I knew it was a lot to ask of him to move to a place with me, for me.  Every week since I left I have gone back at least once, to see him, be with him.  I'm not one to give up easily, so I fight for what we could be if he came here, if we get the chance to be together.  I'm just so tired.  The drive is killing me.  This new store is insanely exhausting.  I can't figure out why it's so exhausting but it is.  A lot of it is mentally exhausting, trying to do the right thing, watch and coach my team, give them the best chance to be successful so I don't have to be there all day every day just for them to be successful.  I'm under tons of pressure to keep this store functioning at full potential, not only from the powers that be but from my myself.  Every day I come home to an empty house and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him, and tell him about my day, watch TV with him while we talk about stupid stuff and laugh.  I miss that, I miss the way he makes me feel better, and making him feel better, the way he gives me purpose, cooking for him, supporting each other when it feels like no one else understands.  We're both weird, and dorky, and silly and together we are great, we understand each other in a weird way.  I want him here.  He says he is psyching himself up to move, thinking about it, not sure, definitely thinking about it, I can't keep up.  I hate not knowing is the thing that bugs the crap out of me.  Every minute that passes is just another minute I miss him more.   Somewhere along the line in the last year, he became a fixture in my life, someone that I needed and not just wanted, someone that I relied on to keep myself grounded, and give my personal life purpose.  I shouldn't need anyone, but I do.  I have purpose, I could do anything I wanted myself, but I don't want to do just for me, I want him included, I want him here to be a part of everything I do, I want to be a part of everything he does.  I want us to be us, and take on the world as us, and right now all I can do is wait.  Waiting is so hollow, empty, wasting time apart when we could be together.  

Enough whining for now, I need to sleep but I'm sure I'll write more later.  ;)  

Complicated

Why are the most uncomplicated things complicated?  LOL.  I swear, nothing is ever easy anymore.  Things don't just happen.  There always has to be something, something that gets in the way.  I've been the queen of adapt and overcome my whole life.  But why does it seem like I can't just be at any given moment without having to?  It's damned exhausting is what it is.  I'm presented with decisions I don't want to make, plain and simple.  And once again, I have to be the bigger person, the one who makes the right decision long term instead of being able to just live in the now.  All these issues, things I can't change, things I can't fix, and it will drive these decisions forever I think.  I don't think I will ever truly get to be happy, happy with myself, happy with my life, become complacent and comfortable.  It will never happen.  There will always be a dark cloud hovering over my head, the rain on my parade, and it pisses me off.  

So now I have to figure out what to do.  On the one hand I could be selfish and just run with it (it being the issue), make the decision based on the now and fuck the future.  But on the other hand I can't do that, because for everyone involved, someone has to make the choice instead of being caught up in the now, and reduce the amount of damage done later.  But how do you predict the future?  How do you even know if there will be damage in the future without getting there?  FUCK!  I don't know what to do.....I'm not sure there is a right answer but there has to be one that works, right?

I haven't written in a while.  I never have time to do anything anymore.  However, I am now starting to get two days off so I might actually get to do some of my writing once in a while.  Who knew?!  Work is good but I'm having issues over all.  I need to get my head back in the game, which is harder than it sounds with all the shit going on right now.  Plus, the kids have been sick, and I'm pretty sure they made me sick so now I'm gonna be sick for two weeks in a row, which really sucks.  It's gonna be a long year if I can't stop being sick for five minutes.  LOL.  Being sick gets old.  But oh well.  I guess I went several years without really getting sick so it's time for me.  I think years that end in three are bad luck for me.

I really need to go to the doctor but I've been putting it off for lack of interest in getting tubes shoved into my stomach.  I've been in a lot of pain lately and it's starting to drive me crazy.  Although I'm not really sure that going to the doctor is going to make it any better.  In fact, it will probably make it worse.  Doctor's never help anything, they are all overpaid and useless for the most part.  Only once in a blue moon do you actually find one that isn't a hack.  I don't know any in the valley here, they are all pathetic losers who suck at their jobs.  Which really sucks for someone like me who actually needs a doctor to be good at what they do.  That was the only upside to living in Maryland.  My GI there kicked total ass, so did my pain doc.  I would totally move back there just for them, and that's saying a lot because Maryland fucking SUCKS.  Everything in Maryland sucks.  There is not one thing there that would make that shit hole worth being there except those two docs, and I could probably get away with being in Virginia and making the commute if I wanted to.  I have no problem driving, so that could work.  

My dad is doing well.  I'll refrain from giving too many details since there are people in the world who like to fuck with us, namely my mother.  Yes, if you are reading this, stop.  LOL.  Anyway, he is doing pretty well though considering.  We're both putting the pieces together of our lives being uprooted.  We do it in different ways, and from across the country, but we make lemonade out of lemons all the time.  LOL.  It's what we're good at.  I'm about done picking up the emotional pieces.  I just shake my damn head at myself for caring in the first place.  Erik was a total waste of my life, can't believe I actually gifted him with my presence as long as I did.  So at least I'm over that waste of life.  Now I just have to make the rest of it truly count, which is my goal from now on.  No more wasting time with nothingness.  My dad is just biding his time until he can do what he wants to do also, so again we're living parallel lives without actually living together.  LOL.  It's funny how things work out.

I've run into some old friends since I've been back in Kalispell.  It's fun now, since I only drink sometimes, I don't party hard so it's a different way of being than it used to.  I used to party constantly and be wasted non stop so we were friends but I always had a very focused mind on being drunk, working, and partying.  Now I actually appreciate the people instead of just going out.  I laugh, a lot.  That's nice.  I haven't laughed in a long time, at least truly laughed.  I have friends now that make me laugh and we hang out, instead of the sole purpose being wasted.  It's pretty cool.  I used to wish I had friends but at the same time I hated having friends because I never had time to hang with all of them, and they all wanted me to party constantly, drink, or go with them to DD, or whatever the case was.  Now we meet up, hang out, and go on with our lives and stay in touch.  I missed some that I have run into so it's awesome that I have gotten to see them.  Now I just need to go visit Ryan in California.  I am long overdue for a trip down there.  It will be a while but I am so going.

School is on hiatus at the moment, between lack of money and time, I'm screwed.  I'm a bit disappointed and I am looking forward to finishing it, but everything in life takes time.  TIME TIME TIME, time we ain't got but try to spend anyway, it's a lot like money.  LOL.

My goal for this year is to save money, and fix my fuckin debt issue.  I just hope that my job holds up.  It's hard because I am trying to learn, and train, and keep everyone motivated, and do all this stuff, and I feel like they are just waiting for me to fuck up bad so they can fire me but at the same time my DM says I do a good job, so I can't tell.  I think it's just my guilty conscience and then my being my own worst critic that is a contributing factor to my disconcerted feeling about it.  I'm always hard on myself, and I expect more than what I am achieving now because I'm trying to deal with all this shit all at once, so I feel like I'm not fixing it fast enough.  LOL.  Then again, everything would have been perfect two months ago if I had my way, but that just wasn't in the cards.  So whatever, we'll see how the cookie crumbles.

I'm looking for a place, a house preferably so I can listen to my loud ass music.  LOL.  No owning for this girl.  People are stupid for buying a house.  It's a fucking disaster to own your own house.  So I'll be perfectly happy renting since I have no pets, I have kids but all I need is bedrooms for that.  LOL.  It will be just fine for me.  Plus I work so much that I won't be there much anyway most likely.  LOL.  No need to invest a ton of money in a place I'll never be at.  

Anyway, enough rambling.  Talk to yall lata!

I must be crazy.

Okay, seriously. I'm an ass. I realized a while back that I have no idea why I wasted so much time on my ex. And I really can't understand why I would waste my life waiting for him. After I snapped out of my pathetic stage, I wanted to slap myself. He never deserved me anyway. I mean, I'm not perfect, no one is. But I sure as hell deserve more than he ever gave me. So now I am totally and completely over that whole thing. He can go off and do whatever, be with his daddy, whatever it is that he does, and just leave me alone. The trick is getting the rest of my shit from him. He actually tried saying that he wasn't going to honor the divorce papers, like he has a choice. I think his dad has him thinking he actually has power in this situation. His dad is an idiot. Fact is, it is what it is and there is no getting around it. And I'm sure as hell not going to waste a lot of my time dealing with him. If he pushes me I will call the cops and his superiors and let them handle it. I've already started the ball rolling and if I have to roll it off the cliff I will. I just wish he would grow up for five minutes and get this shit over with so I could lose his number and never have to deal with him again. He is way too narcissistic and arrogant for anyone to really want to deal with him, hence him having no friends. The only friends he does have are those that are paid to be around him. I'm glad I'm not one of them. He is fucked in the head and I'm glad I'm gone. He fits in in Maryland, and I'm glad I'm not there either. I'm just glad I woke up and stopped being an idiot before it was too late. I feel soooooo much better now, so much happier. No arrogant ass, self absorbed childish twit holding me back and competing with everything I do. At least now I can be me. Thank GOD.

So frustrated.....

I am so frustrated right now. I don't know why I even care, but I do. I keep trying to have a civil relationship with my ex and no matter what I say or what I do, he is antisocial, won't answer me, strings me along, and refuses to be civil or anything. I know I was a bitch for a whole month. But he was antisocial and blew me off like I didn't exist for a year, and most of that year we were MARRIED for. So why am I now being excluded like I don't exist at all? He still has stuff that is mine, a lot of it in fact. He gets mail I need to get, he is supposed to pay me alimony once a month, and I can't get any responses from him at all. I don't know what to do. I try to be nice and get blown off. I am a bitch and get blown off. I try to talk and get blown off. I ignore him and get blown off. I'm being stonewalled at every opportunity and I don't know how to deal with him. I need to know if he has stuff I need and he blows me off. His dad told him that he is better off without me, and instead of trying to talk to me about it to at least explain what the hell that is supposed to mean, he just ignores me like I'm nothing. I'm not nothing. Not to mention the fact that HE married me. I was HIS choice. And yet his dad doesn't approve for whatever stupid, judgmental, self righteous reason, and he listens to him instead of trusting what HE chose. Erik knew who I was. He knew where I was. There were no secrets. So why is it that his dad decides that I'm not worth a shit and he jumps on that bandwagon like he had no idea who I was? It's not like his daddy knew any secrets about me, or knew anything about me in the first place to persuade him that I was so horrible. Yet Erik completely bailed in every way possible before we were even divorced. Now I'm trying to salvage something, and trying to be nice, and trying to get him to at least acknowledge I exist long enough to get even my questions answered about the stuff he has, and he refuses to budge. I don't get it. I don't know why. It makes no sense that he could treat me this way when four months ago I was the love of his life and he said I was perfect just the way I was. Then like a switch he changed his mind and his dad pays him off to divorce me. How the hell does that work out? I am 90 percent certain that if my dad had paid me off to divorce him, if I blindsided him with complete silence, he would have freaked. Yet it's okay for him to do it and he still has half my shit. It's like he is a completely different person, and no matter what I say, or do, he continues to act like I don't exist. Why do I always end up in these relationships where the guys care more about what EVERYONE else thinks, than defending their choice and sticking with it? How do I always end up investing ten times as much and being burned in the end? Why am I the only one who sticks to their guns, and defends my choices, and whoever I'm with, just to get thrown under the bus. How does my keeping their secrets always get forgotten? It never counts for anything. I keep their secrets, I defend them, I hold up my end of the bargain and it counts for nothing. I could spill all kinds of secrets, secrets that would ruin multiple people, yet for the sake of keeping ERIK's trust and protecting HIM, I keep my mouth shut. Yet he treats me like I don't exist. So why do I bother? What is to keep me from saying anything? Why should I continue to protect him, or protect his secrets, or his career, or his friends? Why should I be the only one holding up my end of the bargain? Why? What is to keep me from blowing the lid off the entire family for that matter? Why should I be the only one having any kind of respect for any of them? I keep telling myself it's because I am better than them, I am taking the high road. But I really don't feel like I'm taking the high road anymore. I feel like they are just taking advantage of the fact that I won't say anything, and that they can treat me like shit and I won't blow up, I won't give up. So even though I hold the key to a whole lot of shit, they think that they can just walk all over me and do whatever to me and I'll continue to be the bigger man. I'm tired of being the bigger man. I want to just go and spill all of it. Tell all the dirty little secrets. Because those secrets just drag me down, while I sit here and can't even get a lousy "yes I'm alive" response to a lousy fucking text message. Who is this family? Who do they think they are exactly? They don't know who I am. They don't know what I've been through. They don't even know the meaning of hard. Yet they pass judgment on me? And they ruin my marriage because of what they "think"? They don't even know anything to think. And how did Erik turn into such a mindless drone? He used to be this amazing guy who was my perfect match, we prided ourselves on the fact that we were different, that we were the same and no one else was like us. Now he is just daddy's puppet, the Navy's puppet, and he couldn't care less. None of it mattered to him. I never expected this from him. I never expected him of all people to turn into "that guy". I thought he would be the one for me forever because we were so different from everyone else. And instead he just did exactly what everyone else does. Suck me in and fuck me over without even a second thought. He couldn't care less. And then he makes promises, "I'll talk to you" he says, "I'll ask that question for you" he says, "I don't want you to hurt" he says, "I care" he says, "It's possible" he says, and then he completely ignores me no matter what I ask him, even when it's something that he has that's MINE. I just don't understand. And his Navy drones think that I was going to call them about current events. Dumb asses. They all didn't figure out that the call I was going to make had nothing to do with current events. So he has the gall to get a babysitter for us while I pick up my stuff because he can't handle me himself. Does he not know the power of the Internet? The babysitter was for him because he wants to talk to me, that is totally obvious, but he is too afraid to talk to me because he knows he wants to be with me, but his daddy doesn't approve, so he needs people to keep him from making his own choices. It's the weirdest most fucked up thing I've ever seen. It baffles me how a grown man can join the Navy, move far far away at 18 years old, yet when daddy says jump, he says how high. How in the hell can someone do that? Especially for a dad that couldn't care less about him, only visited him one time when it was convenient and had nothing to do with actually visiting HIM, daddy only sends money when they do what he wants, and only calls when there is something he needs to whine about, like his sex life, literally. Yet he thinks his dad actually cares. HE DOESN'T CARE. Again, it makes no sense whatsoever. And he doesn't give me any credit for the fact that I am super smart, and an incredibly good judge of character and people, I see right through his father, have since day one. I know exactly what makes his daddy tick, yet he doesn't care. He would rather stay blind and let his father make his life choices for him when he is 2500 fucking miles away. Baffles the mind. It's one hell of a case that looks a whole lot like Stockholm syndrome. I don't know what his father did to him but he did something. That I can guarantee. Yet I want to help him and he won't let me. Never has wanted me to. And as soon as I started to get close he shut me out completely, that was over a year ago. Now we can't even have a lousy conversation of yeah I'm alive. I don't think I would be so pissed off, upset, hurt, but he blindsided me with all this crap, lied to me so many times I can't count, I talked to him and talked to him, and talked, and talked some more, I explained what my issues were, he acted like he understood and then turned around and went right back to it like it didn't matter. He refused to even call me when he was going to be late. Who doesn't want a lousy message, call, text, email saying that they are going to be late so we don't worry? Who doesn't do that? Yet he REFUSED to do it, absolutely refused. Then he just shut down, he stopped talking, stopped caring, the only time he would talk to me was when he wanted sex and that was it, period. And I feel robbed. I feel like our marriage was a joke, like I was a toy he just kept around because it was convenient at the time. He made me fall in love with him, I put so much off, made a shit ton of sacrifices including being away from my kids, FOR HIM. And yet he can't even grace me with a lousy text message saying he is fine. I feel like he manipulated me and when daddy decided it was enough he threw me away. And his fucking dad doesn't even KNOW me, and he made every effort NOT TO KNOW ME. So he is judging me based on nothing, and yet Erik listens to him. And it sucks for me. I loved him with everything I have, everything I am, and it wasn't enough. And I knew it wasn't enough yet he PROMISED me it was. He swore he loved me no matter what. He swore it didn't matter what his dad thought. He made so many promises and then he crushed me. He demolished everything I am and doesn't care at all. Never even had a second thought about it. And refuses to talk to me about it. And I feel robbed, and destroyed, like he ripped my heart out and literally crushed it in front of my face with both hands and laughed at me while he did it. That's literally how I feel. And he just goes on with his life without giving even a second thought to how I feel, or felt, or anything, and I don't know how he could go from promising me that he loved me forever, and promising that I was enough, to his father paying him off to divorce me. I don't get it. So yeah, I'm crushed. I just hope for his sake that he doesn't push me to the point that he has just about got me to. He would be wise to treat me with some respect because there will come a point that I will stop caring. I have taken more than anyone on earth would ever take and then some. Nobody on earth would put up with this crap, ever. He actually made me sleep in my truck in Baltimore because he didn't want to let me sleep in his basement. His basement! So yeah, this is what he has reduced himself to. I just wish he could stop listening to the dumb asses around him who don't know shit about us, either one of us at all, even Karl doesn't know Erik, at all, he knows nothing about him, and I wish that Erik would stop listening to the know nothings and actually remember who WE were, who I am, who HE is, and remember that I am not the enemy everyone has me painted out to be. They drove a stake between us out of jealousy and it's so stupid. I would at least like to be his friend, but as long as he has all these walls up, no one can get in. And it sucks.

My job freakin rocks!

I love my job. I finally feel like I am in a position where I am truly meant to be. I am respected by my co-workers, we work great together as a team, I am picking things up as fast as I can as far as policies and procedures, and I am accountable for everything that goes on in the store. I am in my element, and now I get to put my money where my mouth is. I have always been amazing at customer service and retail stuff, but now I am truly accountable and get to watch my progress, the whole team's progress, as we go and it's great! I love it! It's perfect for me! I am so excited for the future and the challenges that lie ahead. I think it will be a workout but it's going to be so much fun, and just the pure challenge of it is thrilling. I am so freakin' happy to be there I can't even explain it! Tomorrow is our first day on our own. My "training" is over now, all two days of it. LOL. So now we really get to stretch our legs and be all we can be, as cheesy as that sounds. LOL. I told the DM that we are going to shine, and I really think we can. I am so ready for this. It's going to be a super challenge, not easy at all, we have to practically transform our entire location, but that is the amazing part. We get to make it ours and make it work and succeed! I'm so excited, I just want to go to bed and get up in the morning to get to work! LOL. Yes, I am a workaholic by nature so this is the perfect job for me. Work a million hours a week and kick ass! Bring on tomorrow! :D

First Day

The first day of work was way easy. I know it's the calm before the storm, so I'm not thinking that the easy will continue. However, I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be a challenge, hard, keep me on my toes, I want to push myself and push my crew and have fun trying to achieve bigger and better things. So easy is not what I want. I'm super excited about this position though. It's so me. And the woman who interviewed me and pulled strings to get me hired said that she is so excited that I got the job, and she was super supportive. I'm just excited all around. I love a good challenge. And this will definitely be a challenge. And I get to learn lots of new stuff, and I get to compete throughout the district, it's so awesome. I'll be house hunting soon. I already started but need a paycheck before I can proceed. There were lots of places open though. None of them were very expensive either, which is great. I hate house hunting though, and I hate moving even more. But it will be good to get my own place, I'm gonna decorate it all cute, and hopefully find a place fairly close to my job. The only downside to renting is I can't paint and such without getting prior consent. But renting definitely has it's perks. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll find a place with an awesome landlord who will let me do stuff to it, that would be even better. I still want my dream house that I picked out for my ex and I. That's if he and his daddy don't try to buy it first just to screw me, but luckily I don't think I actually showed it to him so he doesn't know which one it is. Good thing too. LOL. His dad is sneaky like that. What's funny is I left this place because of all the meddling. And it turns out that even when they are 50 something, they still don't stop meddling. Sigh. I get so tired of people passing judgment, and acting like they are better than everyone else, and talking about people and situations they don't even know anything about, and backstabbing, and two faced crap, it gets so old. I wish people cared more about people instead of paychecks and what year car they drive. It's so stupid. Now if only my ex would stop being an uncooperative child, and we could get back to even talking like people, life would be perfect. But as long as his dad is treating him like the bad kid that he treated him like as a child, he won't snap out of it. So the odds of him talking to me like an adult are slim to none, but it sounds good. I wish people had the ability to look at things objectively like I do. I can step back and sever all emotion and evaluate a situation as it needs to be evaluated, but not many people can do that. And it makes situations like this nearly impossible to get through.