So the kids and I drove Erik to Norfolk on Sunday. I would have written this yesterday, which actually was day one but I had a migraine. No sleep and crying yourself to sleep will do that. The kids had a hard time saying goodbye, so did I. I tried so hard not to cry but I was failing, thank God I am good at making a bunch of really mean jokes when I am in that position. I mostly wanted to stay strong for the kids. They were on the verge of tears, and they don't even understand what is going on. LOL.
I cried myself to sleep. And was a zombie most of the day. I kept getting random urges to cry at the dumbest stuff. And I have the worst thoughts EVER. I can't stop thinking about what if something happens, what if he doesn't come home, what if he finds someone else, what if, what if. I drove myself crazy. It sucks. I have zero control over anything that happens for the next 14 months with him. I've never had to watch someone I cared about walk into a war zone where he might not come out. I also keep thinking that I need to stay positive, but that is really not working well. Especially since for most of my life every time I prayed about something or tried to hope that something wouldn't happen, it inevitably would. So my track record is not lookin' so great. He keeps telling me he is coming back, but then he so blatantly pointed out we couldn't guarantee anything. That really helped. But I can't help feeling like I am playing with fire. I already lost him once and got him back, and now we have gone and volunteered for a really long, really dangerous trip across the world, and I just can't help but have a bad feeling. I keep trying to get it to go away and it's just not working. I don't want to tell him about that, but at the same time I want him to know how I feel and what I think and I want him to promise me he will be okay, and he is not doing a very good job. But I am scared to death that that parking lot will be the last time I ever see him, even though I am keeping all my appendages crossed that it's not.
Then I thought up the idea that I could drive back down and see him for the last day or two he was here so we would at least get to spend a little more time together. And he has basically been avoiding that ever since. Can't tell you how wanted I feel right about now. It doesn't matter what I say, or how it actually is doable, it doesn't seem to matter. So now I don't know what to think, which is nothing new. But it is getting old.
So many mixed emotions, and I can't seem to get rid of a single one. It totally sucks. I am usually much better at putting this stuff in it's place in my brain and just shutting it down. But he has this retarded grip on me, always has. It pisses me off really. And now I get to go the next 14 months wondering, whether he is coming home, whether he is going to stay with me when he does. I guess only time will tell, huh?