Monday, December 26, 2011

Breaking Point

It's been one helluva year that's for sure.

I should have been blogging this whole time, I would probably feel better. But I haven't and now I'm so far behind I don't know where to begin.
Back when Erik and I got married things were great. He was great, great with the kids, great with me, always so gung-ho about everything. Then we said I do, and everything changed like a freakin' light switch. Now, a year and a half later, I'm more miserable then I have ever been with any ex, and all he cares about is him. He says he cares, but then last night happened. And he doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just pissed about losing my stuff, which I am epic pissed off about. But he doesn't get the other problem I have, and it's fucking INFURIATING.

Last night, I wake up and I hear noises outside. I thought at first it was the wind, cuz it was windy as hell. But then when I closed my eyes again I thought to myself, everything happens for a reason, get up. So I got up, and LOW AND BEHOLD there IS someone who is truckin' down the street with a bag of my damn clothes. I wake Erik up, I tell him they were running down the street. And instead of being a normal man and running downstairs so he could catch them, he wastes time getting his shoes on, and then he goes for the shotgun, and by the time he is done pretending he's a commando, they are gone. He gets into the truck to see what they took, and they took all of the clothes that make me me, my hoodies, my chargers stuff, my brand new jacket I got for Christmas, the golf clubs his mom gave us, my make up box, EVERYTHING, GONE! He proceeds to act like he already knew, nonchalantly prancing around the house, calling the cops, and as I'm listing off the stuff I notice missing all I hear out of him is, I know. YOU KNOW?! How the hell would he know!? He barely even knows I'm HERE! Let alone paid attention long enough to know what all was missing.

The part he really doesn't get, and the part that is literally on the brink of me driving off and not coming back, is the fact that I had asked him, and told him I needed that stuff brought in for the previous three days before it got jacked. He brought his own shit in, but he left all of mine in my truck, that he knows doesn't lock, that he knows is in a shit part of town and has been broken into three times previously, but HE DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO BRING MY SHIT IN. So now everything that makes me me is gone, and he really could give a shit less, it wasn't his stuff. And the part that gets me is he is always saying he cares, SAYING being the operative word. But his actions speak way louder than his words ever could. Someone who cares, who I have been fighting and arguing and pleading with since we got MARRIED a YEAR AND A HALF AGO to pay attention, to actually listen to me, to even care what comes out of my mouth, has now cost me everything that is mine, that was me, and he doesn't get it. When I ask him three days in a row to get my stuff out of the truck, and the only crap he manages to bring in is his own, knowing I didn't even have any pajamas to wear until he did, doesn't do it and now it is gone forever, does that sound like someone who actually gives a shit? No, I didn't think so.

Now you may ask why I didn't bring it in myself. That would be because I feel like crap, I have Fibromyalgia, my back is killing me, and I have a hard time carrying heavy stuff. And he is the MAN, supposedly. He is supposed to do the heavy lifting. My ex did. But then again, my ex would have caught the person too and actually cared enough to bring it in the day we got home. But I guess that is another story.

There is plenty more I am going to be writing from now on. But figured I would start with a big fat Merry Christmas to me :( Can't wait to see what my birthday has in store.........

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Isagenix - Week 1

Erik's mom came out to see him before he deployed and brought her new shakes and stuff that she had been using for a while. I totally don't buy into the "miracle cure" or the infommercial like products. But she went on and on about how well it worked, and she felt less pain, and she had more energy, and was losing weight. I don't need to lose weight is my first thought. LOL. BUT, she wanted me to try it and since she had some I said why not. The worst thing that will happen is I will drink it, nothing will happen, she will leave in two days, and I won't ever have to touch it again. LOL So I tried it, and it wasn't that gross at all. And later that day I actually had more energy than I normally do, I wanted to be up and around. It never really occurred to me that it was that, in fact I didn't even really think about it until a week later = now and the last few days.

After she had left Erik and I both found the remainder of the container of shake mix that she "forgot" here. LOL. I knew she left it on purpose, but I was actually happy because now I could give it another chance and could try to disprove my supposed higher energy level the first time. LOL. So skeptical am I. So I made a shake, drank it and although it actually made me have more of an appetite, sure enough later that day I felt more energetic. I was trying to play volleyball with the kids, was up and picking up the house, and found it almost annoying to sit around and do nothing. Weird...... Still not a believer. LOL

So I continued to make shakes for the next three or four days, and felt better. I had less pain, there were actually days that I forgot to take my medication. This last thing is HUGE because I have been living out of some sort of medication bottle since, oh I don't know, SEVEN years ago! I wanted to play with the kids, I wanted to clean the house. Erik and I have been cooking up a storm. I actually have the energy and lack of pain to stand in the kitchen and cook, bake bread, do dishes, and it's all actually fun for me, especially after not getting to do that stuff without some sort of misery, or lightheadedness, or generally uncomfortable feeling of some sort for so long.

Then I ran out the other day. Sad times. I still felt okay the first couple of days. But I was definitely not that energetic, and I had more fatigue. I still did stuff but not nearly as much and by day three I had a migraine again. BUT that was yesterday and I got my order in the mail last night so today I was able to make my shakes and try some of the other vitamins and stuff they offer as well.

Today I had OOBERS of energy. LOL. I drank the "Greens" they offer. Definitely not my favorite thing to consume, and may not continue that one. LOL. But the shake was as always awesome, and I took the vitamins, and I drank this new stuff which is supposed to fill all sorts of gaps as far as vitamins and minerals go. And by the time I got to my doctors appointment I was ready to run a marathon. LOL. It's pretty awesome.

I still check the labels every so often because I am absolutely convinced there has to be something in this stuff that gives you "fake" energy. Whether it's ginseng, or caffeine, or whatever, I don't know, I could swear there has to be something. BUT I"LL BE DARNED IF I CAN FIND ANYTHING! Nothing, not a single fake ingredient anywhere. All vitamins, minerals, things that are good for you that you should be eating or drinking anyway. My whole entire body functions better by ten fold even the very first day I drank it. For someone who has been in pain this long with fistfuls of meds that didn't do anything but dull the fatigue, pain, discomfort, this is insanely exciting. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that it's going to stop being this way, that it is too good to be true, etc. But hopefully, ***fingers crossed*** that won't be for a while at least, if ever.

We will see how it goes in the future. :)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Tales of a Navy Housewife - week two

Well, that was short lived. LOL. Erik's mission was cancelled at the last minute so no deployment! I can't say as I'm sad about that. I mean, I wanted him to go, until he went. LOL. So typical. But he really wanted to go cuz he liked the mission he was going on, and we could have used the money. But I started thinking about what if, what if he got hurt, what if something happened that was worse, what if, what if, what if, drove myself crazy. LOL. So I'm glad he's home. Now that he is cleared it is entirely possible he will get picked up for another mission, but for now, I'm going to just let sleeping dogs lie and hope they don't think to pick him for another one. LOL

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1

So the kids and I drove Erik to Norfolk on Sunday. I would have written this yesterday, which actually was day one but I had a migraine. No sleep and crying yourself to sleep will do that. The kids had a hard time saying goodbye, so did I. I tried so hard not to cry but I was failing, thank God I am good at making a bunch of really mean jokes when I am in that position. I mostly wanted to stay strong for the kids. They were on the verge of tears, and they don't even understand what is going on. LOL.

I cried myself to sleep. And was a zombie most of the day. I kept getting random urges to cry at the dumbest stuff. And I have the worst thoughts EVER. I can't stop thinking about what if something happens, what if he doesn't come home, what if he finds someone else, what if, what if. I drove myself crazy. It sucks. I have zero control over anything that happens for the next 14 months with him. I've never had to watch someone I cared about walk into a war zone where he might not come out. I also keep thinking that I need to stay positive, but that is really not working well. Especially since for most of my life every time I prayed about something or tried to hope that something wouldn't happen, it inevitably would. So my track record is not lookin' so great. He keeps telling me he is coming back, but then he so blatantly pointed out we couldn't guarantee anything. That really helped. But I can't help feeling like I am playing with fire. I already lost him once and got him back, and now we have gone and volunteered for a really long, really dangerous trip across the world, and I just can't help but have a bad feeling. I keep trying to get it to go away and it's just not working. I don't want to tell him about that, but at the same time I want him to know how I feel and what I think and I want him to promise me he will be okay, and he is not doing a very good job. But I am scared to death that that parking lot will be the last time I ever see him, even though I am keeping all my appendages crossed that it's not.

Then I thought up the idea that I could drive back down and see him for the last day or two he was here so we would at least get to spend a little more time together. And he has basically been avoiding that ever since. Can't tell you how wanted I feel right about now. It doesn't matter what I say, or how it actually is doable, it doesn't seem to matter. So now I don't know what to think, which is nothing new. But it is getting old.

So many mixed emotions, and I can't seem to get rid of a single one. It totally sucks. I am usually much better at putting this stuff in it's place in my brain and just shutting it down. But he has this retarded grip on me, always has. It pisses me off really. And now I get to go the next 14 months wondering, whether he is coming home, whether he is going to stay with me when he does. I guess only time will tell, huh?

Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1