Sunday, October 28, 2012

So frustrated.....

I am so frustrated right now. I don't know why I even care, but I do. I keep trying to have a civil relationship with my ex and no matter what I say or what I do, he is antisocial, won't answer me, strings me along, and refuses to be civil or anything. I know I was a bitch for a whole month. But he was antisocial and blew me off like I didn't exist for a year, and most of that year we were MARRIED for. So why am I now being excluded like I don't exist at all? He still has stuff that is mine, a lot of it in fact. He gets mail I need to get, he is supposed to pay me alimony once a month, and I can't get any responses from him at all. I don't know what to do. I try to be nice and get blown off. I am a bitch and get blown off. I try to talk and get blown off. I ignore him and get blown off. I'm being stonewalled at every opportunity and I don't know how to deal with him. I need to know if he has stuff I need and he blows me off. His dad told him that he is better off without me, and instead of trying to talk to me about it to at least explain what the hell that is supposed to mean, he just ignores me like I'm nothing. I'm not nothing. Not to mention the fact that HE married me. I was HIS choice. And yet his dad doesn't approve for whatever stupid, judgmental, self righteous reason, and he listens to him instead of trusting what HE chose. Erik knew who I was. He knew where I was. There were no secrets. So why is it that his dad decides that I'm not worth a shit and he jumps on that bandwagon like he had no idea who I was? It's not like his daddy knew any secrets about me, or knew anything about me in the first place to persuade him that I was so horrible. Yet Erik completely bailed in every way possible before we were even divorced. Now I'm trying to salvage something, and trying to be nice, and trying to get him to at least acknowledge I exist long enough to get even my questions answered about the stuff he has, and he refuses to budge. I don't get it. I don't know why. It makes no sense that he could treat me this way when four months ago I was the love of his life and he said I was perfect just the way I was. Then like a switch he changed his mind and his dad pays him off to divorce me. How the hell does that work out? I am 90 percent certain that if my dad had paid me off to divorce him, if I blindsided him with complete silence, he would have freaked. Yet it's okay for him to do it and he still has half my shit. It's like he is a completely different person, and no matter what I say, or do, he continues to act like I don't exist. Why do I always end up in these relationships where the guys care more about what EVERYONE else thinks, than defending their choice and sticking with it? How do I always end up investing ten times as much and being burned in the end? Why am I the only one who sticks to their guns, and defends my choices, and whoever I'm with, just to get thrown under the bus. How does my keeping their secrets always get forgotten? It never counts for anything. I keep their secrets, I defend them, I hold up my end of the bargain and it counts for nothing. I could spill all kinds of secrets, secrets that would ruin multiple people, yet for the sake of keeping ERIK's trust and protecting HIM, I keep my mouth shut. Yet he treats me like I don't exist. So why do I bother? What is to keep me from saying anything? Why should I continue to protect him, or protect his secrets, or his career, or his friends? Why should I be the only one holding up my end of the bargain? Why? What is to keep me from blowing the lid off the entire family for that matter? Why should I be the only one having any kind of respect for any of them? I keep telling myself it's because I am better than them, I am taking the high road. But I really don't feel like I'm taking the high road anymore. I feel like they are just taking advantage of the fact that I won't say anything, and that they can treat me like shit and I won't blow up, I won't give up. So even though I hold the key to a whole lot of shit, they think that they can just walk all over me and do whatever to me and I'll continue to be the bigger man. I'm tired of being the bigger man. I want to just go and spill all of it. Tell all the dirty little secrets. Because those secrets just drag me down, while I sit here and can't even get a lousy "yes I'm alive" response to a lousy fucking text message. Who is this family? Who do they think they are exactly? They don't know who I am. They don't know what I've been through. They don't even know the meaning of hard. Yet they pass judgment on me? And they ruin my marriage because of what they "think"? They don't even know anything to think. And how did Erik turn into such a mindless drone? He used to be this amazing guy who was my perfect match, we prided ourselves on the fact that we were different, that we were the same and no one else was like us. Now he is just daddy's puppet, the Navy's puppet, and he couldn't care less. None of it mattered to him. I never expected this from him. I never expected him of all people to turn into "that guy". I thought he would be the one for me forever because we were so different from everyone else. And instead he just did exactly what everyone else does. Suck me in and fuck me over without even a second thought. He couldn't care less. And then he makes promises, "I'll talk to you" he says, "I'll ask that question for you" he says, "I don't want you to hurt" he says, "I care" he says, "It's possible" he says, and then he completely ignores me no matter what I ask him, even when it's something that he has that's MINE. I just don't understand. And his Navy drones think that I was going to call them about current events. Dumb asses. They all didn't figure out that the call I was going to make had nothing to do with current events. So he has the gall to get a babysitter for us while I pick up my stuff because he can't handle me himself. Does he not know the power of the Internet? The babysitter was for him because he wants to talk to me, that is totally obvious, but he is too afraid to talk to me because he knows he wants to be with me, but his daddy doesn't approve, so he needs people to keep him from making his own choices. It's the weirdest most fucked up thing I've ever seen. It baffles me how a grown man can join the Navy, move far far away at 18 years old, yet when daddy says jump, he says how high. How in the hell can someone do that? Especially for a dad that couldn't care less about him, only visited him one time when it was convenient and had nothing to do with actually visiting HIM, daddy only sends money when they do what he wants, and only calls when there is something he needs to whine about, like his sex life, literally. Yet he thinks his dad actually cares. HE DOESN'T CARE. Again, it makes no sense whatsoever. And he doesn't give me any credit for the fact that I am super smart, and an incredibly good judge of character and people, I see right through his father, have since day one. I know exactly what makes his daddy tick, yet he doesn't care. He would rather stay blind and let his father make his life choices for him when he is 2500 fucking miles away. Baffles the mind. It's one hell of a case that looks a whole lot like Stockholm syndrome. I don't know what his father did to him but he did something. That I can guarantee. Yet I want to help him and he won't let me. Never has wanted me to. And as soon as I started to get close he shut me out completely, that was over a year ago. Now we can't even have a lousy conversation of yeah I'm alive. I don't think I would be so pissed off, upset, hurt, but he blindsided me with all this crap, lied to me so many times I can't count, I talked to him and talked to him, and talked, and talked some more, I explained what my issues were, he acted like he understood and then turned around and went right back to it like it didn't matter. He refused to even call me when he was going to be late. Who doesn't want a lousy message, call, text, email saying that they are going to be late so we don't worry? Who doesn't do that? Yet he REFUSED to do it, absolutely refused. Then he just shut down, he stopped talking, stopped caring, the only time he would talk to me was when he wanted sex and that was it, period. And I feel robbed. I feel like our marriage was a joke, like I was a toy he just kept around because it was convenient at the time. He made me fall in love with him, I put so much off, made a shit ton of sacrifices including being away from my kids, FOR HIM. And yet he can't even grace me with a lousy text message saying he is fine. I feel like he manipulated me and when daddy decided it was enough he threw me away. And his fucking dad doesn't even KNOW me, and he made every effort NOT TO KNOW ME. So he is judging me based on nothing, and yet Erik listens to him. And it sucks for me. I loved him with everything I have, everything I am, and it wasn't enough. And I knew it wasn't enough yet he PROMISED me it was. He swore he loved me no matter what. He swore it didn't matter what his dad thought. He made so many promises and then he crushed me. He demolished everything I am and doesn't care at all. Never even had a second thought about it. And refuses to talk to me about it. And I feel robbed, and destroyed, like he ripped my heart out and literally crushed it in front of my face with both hands and laughed at me while he did it. That's literally how I feel. And he just goes on with his life without giving even a second thought to how I feel, or felt, or anything, and I don't know how he could go from promising me that he loved me forever, and promising that I was enough, to his father paying him off to divorce me. I don't get it. So yeah, I'm crushed. I just hope for his sake that he doesn't push me to the point that he has just about got me to. He would be wise to treat me with some respect because there will come a point that I will stop caring. I have taken more than anyone on earth would ever take and then some. Nobody on earth would put up with this crap, ever. He actually made me sleep in my truck in Baltimore because he didn't want to let me sleep in his basement. His basement! So yeah, this is what he has reduced himself to. I just wish he could stop listening to the dumb asses around him who don't know shit about us, either one of us at all, even Karl doesn't know Erik, at all, he knows nothing about him, and I wish that Erik would stop listening to the know nothings and actually remember who WE were, who I am, who HE is, and remember that I am not the enemy everyone has me painted out to be. They drove a stake between us out of jealousy and it's so stupid. I would at least like to be his friend, but as long as he has all these walls up, no one can get in. And it sucks.

Friday, October 26, 2012

My job freakin rocks!

I love my job. I finally feel like I am in a position where I am truly meant to be. I am respected by my co-workers, we work great together as a team, I am picking things up as fast as I can as far as policies and procedures, and I am accountable for everything that goes on in the store. I am in my element, and now I get to put my money where my mouth is. I have always been amazing at customer service and retail stuff, but now I am truly accountable and get to watch my progress, the whole team's progress, as we go and it's great! I love it! It's perfect for me! I am so excited for the future and the challenges that lie ahead. I think it will be a workout but it's going to be so much fun, and just the pure challenge of it is thrilling. I am so freakin' happy to be there I can't even explain it! Tomorrow is our first day on our own. My "training" is over now, all two days of it. LOL. So now we really get to stretch our legs and be all we can be, as cheesy as that sounds. LOL. I told the DM that we are going to shine, and I really think we can. I am so ready for this. It's going to be a super challenge, not easy at all, we have to practically transform our entire location, but that is the amazing part. We get to make it ours and make it work and succeed! I'm so excited, I just want to go to bed and get up in the morning to get to work! LOL. Yes, I am a workaholic by nature so this is the perfect job for me. Work a million hours a week and kick ass! Bring on tomorrow! :D

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

First Day

The first day of work was way easy. I know it's the calm before the storm, so I'm not thinking that the easy will continue. However, I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be a challenge, hard, keep me on my toes, I want to push myself and push my crew and have fun trying to achieve bigger and better things. So easy is not what I want. I'm super excited about this position though. It's so me. And the woman who interviewed me and pulled strings to get me hired said that she is so excited that I got the job, and she was super supportive. I'm just excited all around. I love a good challenge. And this will definitely be a challenge. And I get to learn lots of new stuff, and I get to compete throughout the district, it's so awesome. I'll be house hunting soon. I already started but need a paycheck before I can proceed. There were lots of places open though. None of them were very expensive either, which is great. I hate house hunting though, and I hate moving even more. But it will be good to get my own place, I'm gonna decorate it all cute, and hopefully find a place fairly close to my job. The only downside to renting is I can't paint and such without getting prior consent. But renting definitely has it's perks. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll find a place with an awesome landlord who will let me do stuff to it, that would be even better. I still want my dream house that I picked out for my ex and I. That's if he and his daddy don't try to buy it first just to screw me, but luckily I don't think I actually showed it to him so he doesn't know which one it is. Good thing too. LOL. His dad is sneaky like that. What's funny is I left this place because of all the meddling. And it turns out that even when they are 50 something, they still don't stop meddling. Sigh. I get so tired of people passing judgment, and acting like they are better than everyone else, and talking about people and situations they don't even know anything about, and backstabbing, and two faced crap, it gets so old. I wish people cared more about people instead of paychecks and what year car they drive. It's so stupid. Now if only my ex would stop being an uncooperative child, and we could get back to even talking like people, life would be perfect. But as long as his dad is treating him like the bad kid that he treated him like as a child, he won't snap out of it. So the odds of him talking to me like an adult are slim to none, but it sounds good. I wish people had the ability to look at things objectively like I do. I can step back and sever all emotion and evaluate a situation as it needs to be evaluated, but not many people can do that. And it makes situations like this nearly impossible to get through.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm sick of this crap

I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap. I put myself out there and I apologize repeatedly and I get walked all over and treated like total shit. It's ridiculous how I get treated sometimes. It's like I'm not worth anything, I'm not worth the effort, no one cares about how I feel or what I say. And everyone ALWAYS listens to everyone else and never asks me, never wants to know what I think or what I say about anything. Mainly one person. And one guy, Karl Oehrtman, has judged me without even knowing me. He goes to church once a week and then he acts like he is so perfect, so righteous. He forgot that to pass judgment alone makes him an evil person. And he paid my ex husband off to divorce me. How righteous and perfect is that? And now my ex husband can't even respond to a question that he said he would answer, because he is following in daddy's footsteps. It's absolutely unfathomable to me how someone can be that way. I don't get it. And I can't get any answers. I try to let it go and then I am just shocked by some other behavior that just baffles me. And the arrogance, considering the things I know, blows me away too. The fact that I could bury careers and yet they just act like I don't exist. And at this point I don't owe them anything. They treat me like shit. So what's to keep me from doing it? What's to keep me being the nice guy, the one who protects them? Why should I? It's because I'm the bigger person. But that is wearing thin. It's about to turn into a battle of wits that I always win. I may not be perfect but when it comes to revenge, I'm the best chef there is. And I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy, the one who keeps considering their future, when they keep treating me like I'm nothing, less than nothing. I don't deserve that. I may have lost my mind but I didn't treat him like a nothing for over half our marriage because people told me to, like he did. And he won't tell me anything. He's having a blast fucking whoever, doing whatever, having his cake and eating it too, and I'm about to put a stop to that and knock them both off their high horse. There is only so much one person can take before they break, before it's not worth it anymore, before it becomes too much for them to take. And I'm angry, I'm pissed off that I put so much in and take nothing away from it except hurt and pain and being treated like a nobody. And it's about to end, and I can tell you that I won't suffer if I stop caring, I will be the only one who comes out of it unscathed. They would be wise to remember that a little respect goes a long way.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


I really want to get this fundraiser going that I'm working on. I've got the idea. I don't have a date for it yet, but it won't be for at least six months so I'm not overly stressed about a date just yet. But I cannot get information ABOUT fundraising from anywhere! I have posted questions on various sites, sent off for information, asked people on the inside, and I have gotten zero support or response. It's really disappointing! I have this fantastic idea, and I could probably raise a lot of money to help the people I want to help, and I can't get anyone to help support it whatsoever! All I need is some information on the rules and regs of doing a fundraiser. Can I do a fundraiser for a cause without doing a major licensing or registration for it? I don't need to do anything major because I'm not an official fundraising organization, yet. ;) But the fact is I can't get anyone to help with anything! I'm so irritated to be honest. I don't understand how people can claim to be supportive of something, like the military, and yet I ask the military people for help and I get nothing. And I absolutely mean zero, I got no response from anyone or anyplace that I posted questions. I could go off by myself and just do it, say fuckem', but the fact is I don't really want to get nailed on a technicality down the road because I was uninformed. But I can't get the information I'm looking for anywhere. And of course the already established charities want half the money for themselves so they won't offer up any information. I want none of the money. It is absolutely non profit across the board. I just want to collect money from people so I can donate it to one cause and guarantee it actually goes where I want it to. Because half the time you donate to an organization and only $.10 on the dollar actually goes TO the cause. Screw that, I want it ALL to go where it belongs, to the people or cause that I'm donating to. So what do I do? How do I get it going and start promoting it if I don't even know the fundamentals about it? Sigh, I'm so frustrated :(

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm so going to be

I'm so going to be one of those people that 50 years from now wakes up and realizes that my soul mate got away and no one ever came close to being that guy again.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I'm sad

I'm sad. I try to move forward but I'm stuck. I want to tell one person about my day, and hear about theirs, and I can't. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. I want to know that people are okay, and they ignore me like I mean nothing. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I care, or how much I want to help, and I feel like it never has mattered. I feel like a speed bump in the road, run over 100's of times a day without anyone even realizing I'm actually there. And when I try to get up off the road, I get passed by, unnoticed that I got up, and tried to keep going even though I'm just a block of asphalt. No credit for overcoming the obstacles, and getting knocked down just to get back up again. It's a weird analogy I know, but it makes sense to me. LOL. Silence is the worst. It's funny that perfect strangers will walk up to me and tell me their entire life story and want me to fix it. Yet those who I want to help and want to listen to just meet me with silence. It's deafening, literally. It hurts my head to hear nothing. To be treated like nothing. Especially when so many words were exchanged that were to the contrary until it mattered most. Then it was like nothing ever happened, and I was forgotten. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I thought it was different this time. I thought he was the bigger man, the better man, the best. And yet, he is acting like all the others, even though we were so different. I could move on if I knew why, if I knew what happened, if I knew what changed. But I'm literally hung up, as if my shirt is caught on a barbed wire fence and the more I try to listen, the more I want to know, the more I care, the more I get tangled up in the fence until it's wrapped me so tight I can't breathe, which is where I'm at now. And the part that kills me, the part that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. He says he does, says he's "sorry I'm hurting", but he's just leaving me here, tangled in the fence with no regard for the fact that I am suffocating. And I don't know why. I get that I said horrible things, but people say things when they're angry. Hell, he physically did things when he was angry. But I was willing to let it go, I did let it go. But being met with silence when you try so hard to get to the truth is stifling. It's like everything in the world freezes, including me, and there is nothing left for me to do. I gave him lots of crap over things that may or may not have happened, what he doesn't understand is that I just wanted the truth. That's it. I say things to get some sort of reaction because I'm not getting anywhere any other way. When I didn't talk he wouldn't talk and then he would get mad that I wouldn't talk. But what can I do? I talk, we don't really talk. He won't listen. He won't talk. And the infuriating part is that I could move on if we would just talk, but he won't talk. And he knows that I would move on if he would talk, but he won't talk. It's like he wants me here, waiting. I'm the backup when all else fails or the family dies and he has no one else. To me family is different, I'm used to thinking for myself, I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to not calling mommy or daddy every time something happens, I'm used to facing the issues head on, and dealing with them. Hiding is not in my vocabulary. And it doesn't solve anything. But he won't listen. And he won't talk. So I'm stuck, frozen in time. And I think he likes it that way, which isn't helping. So I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't get anywhere, or move on, or get the truth. The truth is all I want, all I wanted, all I ever want. But the truth scares people, they think they can hide from it but they can't. The truth never goes away. It just eats a hole in you, and rots you from the inside out, until it turns into this gross time bomb that will destroy you. And to me the truth is all that matters. Money comes and goes, friends come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, everything comes and goes and in the end you still die and then you're dead and there is nothing. But the truth, whether it's in another person or in yourself, is always there. It never goes away. Respect, trust, honesty, those are what matter, because no matter what material things you have around you, people, things, they will go away, but to be honest and trust someone or something is forever. And to be able to put your whole self into something and know that it's real, like really real, is not something that happens every day. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even happen in a life time. 99% of the population go through life never finding that, ever. So to piss it away out of fear of the truth is just silly to me. To find someONE even that will stay with you no matter what the truth is, and keep your secrets even when they've been thrown to the wolves, who will stand by you no matter how bad it got or gets, is even more rare and special. And yet, people just throw it away, trample it for the sake of making others happy. It makes no sense to me. You only have one life to live, so why would you live it based on what others THINK you should do, because they aren't around, they aren't there, they don't have to live your life, so why would you let them control it? It's unfathomable to me. Especially when they are clearly out for themselves. I see so much of my mother in another person, one in particular, that it's scary. The "bring them down so they don't do better than me" mentality. But again, he won't listen. Denial is a terrible thing. Arrogance is also terrible. They ruin people. Especially when they are used for evil and not for good. Selfishness is up there too. To watch someone you love destroy something amazing for the sake of your own pride and self righteousness is disgusting, especially when it's your own kid. And my defend everyone personality is really kicking in at this point. I must save everyone, even if it's from themselves. So it's infuriating to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives for the sake of someone who doesn't care, who thinks money is the key to happiness, who thinks that all that matters is money and education, because respect, trust, love, honesty, caring, none of that matters to them if they have money. Money sucks people! Money is the root of all evil! It turns people into greedy assholes who don't care about anyone or anything. It's disgusting. Because in case people hadn't noticed, you earn it to spend it, it's gone before you even get it most of the time, money is horrible! So why would you let it run your life? Why would you put self worth and personal worth on money? That's pathetic. Of course you NEED money to survive in this day and age, but it's not everything. Not by a long shot. And to put your life's choices on money is also pathetic. Buying your child's love because you were too lazy to invest the time, is pathetic. Writing a check to try and heal wounds, pathetic. Choosing who you love based on money, pathetic. Passing judgment on people in your self righteous, religion based bias, pathetic. God would not approve. So I'm sad. I'm sad that people exist that are like this, that can't get over themselves long enough to realize that there are things that make people happy that they may not approve of but because they don't "agree" they just have to twist the knife, they just have to manipulate and screw people up. And I feel sorry for those who are not strong enough to stand up to those who are like that and say, I know that my decision is better than this. I know that it's the right choice for me and I don't care what you think. I feel sorry for those who are weak, and afraid, and don't realize that if that person is so against their decisions then they are not good people in their lives anyway. They are not out for their best interests. They don't care. They are selfish and don't belong in your life. People should learn to live for themselves and do what they want because they want it and not someone else. This doesn't mean go jump off a cliff. But it does mean that they should know when something is right for them and they should fight for it, they should stand up for it, they should live their lives because in the end they are the ones who have to lie in their death bed and think back on their lives and think about all the regrets, all the things they passed over for the ones who said no, they don't agree. And I wish that people understood this. Because it makes me sad.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Too much

I worry too much. So much that I'm stuck. I care too much. So much I can't stand. I feel too much. So much that it hurts. I want so much. So much, out of touch.

Starting out

Well, I'm trying to start over. And I'm doing okay, but I have a ghost haunting me that won't help me move forward. LOL. I've faced all my demons, but one. And the one is avoiding me like the plague, which I totally don't understand. I mean, I get that I freaked out and lost my mind and said things, but saying things is better than saying nothing, which is what I've been getting for over a year. I feel like even though I invested everything I was the only one investing. And I feel like that's how it always goes with everything. I put more in than any human being would even consider and then I get left in the wind because I'm never worth fighting for. And this isn't the first time. This has happened before, just left behind like I was worth nothing. I'm so sick of it. People see me and I'm just a pretty face that can be used until the going gets tough and then no one fights to make it work, or help out, or do anything. No one ever fights for me. So whatever, my new beginning is fighting for things I believe in personally and not any one person in particular. I will fight for the one until he disappears into the past or steps up and becomes the man I know he is but everyone else has convinced him he's not. It infuriates me that there is so much negative in his life, and yet he continues to feed into their bullshit like they actually mean something. Blood relation means nothing if people are bringing you down and sabotaging you on purpose, but he doesn't get that. I see it. I've lived it. I know what it looks like and he doesn't get it and he doesn't respect me enough to listen now thanks to the naysayers around him. So I will wait. Because I know the person that he really is, even if he doesn't get that yet. Family and friends are only real family and friends if they actually support you. Just because they are blood related and can throw a check at you to buy your love doesn't mean that they are real people. I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy than have family that throws a check at me and be miserable. Especially if my being miserable is what they want to make themselves feel better, to justify who they are and the bad decisions they've made. I wish he understood what I understand. I wish he could see but right now he is blinded by the negative around him and he is drowning in it. And he's throwing everything away because of it. But I know he knows deep down what is really going on. He is afraid. Afraid of standing against them, afraid to stand up for himself, and I find it ironic that he's afraid of me because I am the one person in the entire world that he could trust with anything and everything and never have to worry. Even now I keep his secrets and I get no credit for that. When I told him I loved him and I was there for him there is no one in the entire world he could trust more than me when I say it. I had no ulterior motives. And I made that blatantly clear throughout our relationship. I didn't want his money, his insurance, his house, nothing. I just wanted him and it made no difference to him. I was thrown away out of fear. I just wish I knew where that fear came from, so I'll wait. While I'm waiting I am going to be doing a fundraiser for military veterans, which is going to be amazing if I can organize it and promote it effectively. I'm very excited about it. I just wish he were here to participate and enjoy it too, because I know he would love it. But I will go on alone because I want to do it, because I believe in it, and I want to help people even if I never get anything in return. The nice thing about fundraisers and volunteer work is that there is no repayment, no expectation of getting anything in return, and no backstabbing. If I run it there is no undermining, no getting screwed by outside forces, it's just me and my goal. And that I can put myself into without any fear of being thrown away. I'm very excited. I think it will be fun. Even the coordination and work on it will be fun, the promoting and the effort I put in. And when I get to go and make someone's day with the work that I put in, the reward will be monumental. I just wish he was here to share in it. He would appreciate it and love it, but he's too busy being blinded and trying to force himself to deny reality. Sigh.... Wish me luck, I have a big thing happening in about an hour and I am excited. So wish me luck, I need all the help I can get right now. LOL

Friday, October 12, 2012

A letter to my mother

This past two weeks has been a journey of self discovery. I have faced those who have "hurt" me and I have begged forgiveness of those who I should not have let go. Since I cannot see my mother face to face because she is hiding out who knows where, I will write to her here and whatever happens, happens. LOL. She either reads it or not but at least it won't be sitting in me anymore. Dear Mom, I have looked back on the past 20 years and I have realized a lot. For instance, I have spent 90 percent of the time taking care of everyone else, running around making sure everyone else was okay, had what they needed. I sacrificed time, my husband, education, all for the sake of sitting around worrying about everyone else. I have no problem helping people. Hell, you called CPS on me three times and I still helped you. I went and saw Dad this last week. Don't bother trying to get anyone in trouble, everyone of any import already knows. But I learned about why what happened happened between the two of us. I walked down memory lane of the things that were fuzzy when I was little. I remembered things that I had forgotten. The ironic part is Dad wanted me to be mad at him. Or at least to have gone through some bout of anger at him for what had happened. He asked me if I was mad at him ever. And the fact is, no. I was never mad at him. I wasn't mad at him because somewhere in my little brain I realized that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, but not in the sense that we're placing blame. Yes, he did what he did. But he is the damaged one. He is the one who had the "screw" loose, so to speak. But the fact is, YOU are the one who chose him. I told you when I was nine years old and you made a conscious decision to go back to him and put me in the position that I was in again. So I was never mad at him. I was mad at YOU. This gave me a whole new clarity as to your letters when you cried and whined about why I hate you so much, why I'm so mean to you, why you "don't know why I'm so angry all the time". Well the fact is, you chose him in your right mind. He wasn't in his right mind. So that is why I am so "angry with you all the time". The ironic part is I tried to make amends with you. I tried to forgive you. I drove to Carson City and make up with you. I tried to visit with you when I had Odie. And again at Richard's house. The fact is, YOU held the grudge because you still can't accept that he chose me over you instead of the other way around. If he dared to leave you, or choose someone else, it had to be someone else manipulating him into it instead of it just being a choice he made, right or wrong state of mind being the driving force. So you've been taking your anger and hatred of him out on me for the duration because you just couldn't bring yourself to blame him, because then you would have to admit that you chose him, knowing what he did, over me and the safety of your kids. And that is absolutely unfathomable for you. You have never been one to be able to take blame. And you have spent my entire life blaming me for everything you have ever screwed up, or done wrong, and your failed marriage, ever since because I am an easy scapegoat. I'm not there, I'm not around you, you hate me anyway and that way you can keep from looking in the mirror every day and knowing what you did. And the alcohol just made that deflection easier, completely diluted you into thinking your reality was reality. The fact is, you have absolutely no idea what happened. And you don't want to know, because again, that would mean you would have to accept the fact that you chose him over your offspring. But it all boils down to this. I don't care anymore. I have let go of all the hate, and all the anger, and all of the abandonment issues you left me with, and all of your blame, and I will no longer be carrying it with me. Because I get it now. And I am no longer carrying your blame and your anger with me. And I no longer accept your deflections. You're my mother, I don't have to love you but I can forgive you. I know what is my fault and what isn't in all of this. And the answer is none. It was not my fault what happened with dad, it was not my fault that you did what you did, and I am no longer going to allow myself to wonder "what did I do?". Maybe one day you can accept the things that are your fault, and accept the things that aren't, and be happy and be successful, find more in life, and teach Athena that life is what you make it, not what everyone around you makes it. This is a new lesson I learned and I am glad that I learned it before I was dead. Find peace. I forgive you. The