Thursday, October 18, 2012

Starting out

Well, I'm trying to start over. And I'm doing okay, but I have a ghost haunting me that won't help me move forward. LOL. I've faced all my demons, but one. And the one is avoiding me like the plague, which I totally don't understand. I mean, I get that I freaked out and lost my mind and said things, but saying things is better than saying nothing, which is what I've been getting for over a year. I feel like even though I invested everything I was the only one investing. And I feel like that's how it always goes with everything. I put more in than any human being would even consider and then I get left in the wind because I'm never worth fighting for. And this isn't the first time. This has happened before, just left behind like I was worth nothing. I'm so sick of it. People see me and I'm just a pretty face that can be used until the going gets tough and then no one fights to make it work, or help out, or do anything. No one ever fights for me. So whatever, my new beginning is fighting for things I believe in personally and not any one person in particular. I will fight for the one until he disappears into the past or steps up and becomes the man I know he is but everyone else has convinced him he's not. It infuriates me that there is so much negative in his life, and yet he continues to feed into their bullshit like they actually mean something. Blood relation means nothing if people are bringing you down and sabotaging you on purpose, but he doesn't get that. I see it. I've lived it. I know what it looks like and he doesn't get it and he doesn't respect me enough to listen now thanks to the naysayers around him. So I will wait. Because I know the person that he really is, even if he doesn't get that yet. Family and friends are only real family and friends if they actually support you. Just because they are blood related and can throw a check at you to buy your love doesn't mean that they are real people. I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy than have family that throws a check at me and be miserable. Especially if my being miserable is what they want to make themselves feel better, to justify who they are and the bad decisions they've made. I wish he understood what I understand. I wish he could see but right now he is blinded by the negative around him and he is drowning in it. And he's throwing everything away because of it. But I know he knows deep down what is really going on. He is afraid. Afraid of standing against them, afraid to stand up for himself, and I find it ironic that he's afraid of me because I am the one person in the entire world that he could trust with anything and everything and never have to worry. Even now I keep his secrets and I get no credit for that. When I told him I loved him and I was there for him there is no one in the entire world he could trust more than me when I say it. I had no ulterior motives. And I made that blatantly clear throughout our relationship. I didn't want his money, his insurance, his house, nothing. I just wanted him and it made no difference to him. I was thrown away out of fear. I just wish I knew where that fear came from, so I'll wait. While I'm waiting I am going to be doing a fundraiser for military veterans, which is going to be amazing if I can organize it and promote it effectively. I'm very excited about it. I just wish he were here to participate and enjoy it too, because I know he would love it. But I will go on alone because I want to do it, because I believe in it, and I want to help people even if I never get anything in return. The nice thing about fundraisers and volunteer work is that there is no repayment, no expectation of getting anything in return, and no backstabbing. If I run it there is no undermining, no getting screwed by outside forces, it's just me and my goal. And that I can put myself into without any fear of being thrown away. I'm very excited. I think it will be fun. Even the coordination and work on it will be fun, the promoting and the effort I put in. And when I get to go and make someone's day with the work that I put in, the reward will be monumental. I just wish he was here to share in it. He would appreciate it and love it, but he's too busy being blinded and trying to force himself to deny reality. Sigh.... Wish me luck, I have a big thing happening in about an hour and I am excited. So wish me luck, I need all the help I can get right now. LOL

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