Sunday, November 24, 2013


Sitting alone in my house, I look around at the emptiness and wonder if it's all worth it.  When I was younger I had five careers I was going to do in my lifetime, I had this big plan juggling the school and the jobs.  I was to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, a writer and a teacher.  I would go to school to be a doctor and start my pre-reqs for being a lawyer, I would become a doctor and finish law school.  I would be a singer in between, I would write in my off time, and then when all of that was done and I was "ready to retire" I would be a teacher and teach history or writing to high school kids.  I wanted to teach high school because they are the hardest to teach, the hardest to keep interested in what they are learning.  College, the kids opt to go, they may not like all the subjects but they choose to be there.  The younger grades, the kids are eager to learn, they want to go to school and learn and hang out with their friends, and love their teachers (usually).  But high school, that's where the challenge is.  High schoolers would rather ditch class, go hang out with their friends, when they start to develop wings of their own and try to fly in whatever direction the wind takes them at any given moment.  Sometimes it's the wrong direction, sometimes it's the best direction they could have chosen, but overall they are trying to find their own way in life and cutting ties with their parents, rebelling against authority, they don't choose to be at school, they are forced to be there by the powers that be and they usually don't have any interest in being there.  Those are the kids I wanted to inspire, teach them to make their own destiny, help them to find interest in the education they so want to leave behind.  Just the thought of teaching them inspires me.  When I got pulled out of school in fourth grade all of that kind of went out the window.  First we went to St. George, Utah.  We lived in a motorhome at the Redwood RV Park.  My brother and I made two friends there, they were the only friends we were really allowed to have and we could only hang out with the kids, my parents never got to know anyone really.  We lived there for a year.  My dad lived in California still, we stayed off the grid because they wanted me in court in California and they didn't want me to go.  The only thing we did was horses, I rode all the time, my mom bought and sold horses like crazy.  My mother and I went riding one day, she was on her horse TW and I was on Maggie, this ranch broke Morgan mare that I had no business being on, in a saddle that was too big, and she took off with me after her horse kicked mine in the face.  She ran to the barn, I screamed, and the last thing I remember was my hands reaching for the saddle and my legs above me as I slid off upside down, and then everything went black.  I had blood coming out of my nose, my body was tingling like a million ants were crawling on me, at least that's how the story goes.  My brother said I kept getting on my hands and knees and crawling in circles complaining about the ants.  I remember the wind of the helicopter, and the lights of the ambulances for about two seconds when I regained consciousness as they put me in the helicopter.  The only other time I woke up was when the oxygen burned my nose while I was on the chopper, I knocked it out and overheard the medics talking about me.  The pilot asked how I was doing, the doctor with me said I was doing well and a fighter but we needed to get there soon.  I woke up several days later in ICU, I don't remember much else.  The doctors had said my parents should prepare, if the swelling didn't kill me the bleeding would, it was a bad crack and severe head trauma.  But I walked out of that hospital, and to this day I'm not sure why.  We left St. George and moved to Carson City, we were there until I was about 11, my mother got pregnant with my sister.  Biggest mistake ever.  Well, I can't say that, she's made a couple big ones, but this was definitely one of them.  While she was pregnant we moved to Pahrump, Nevada.  All kinds of things happened while we were there.  Just that five year span would take me hours to write about.  Needless to say a lot happened and I grew up way faster than I ever wanted to, and still no school.  I had a total of maybe three friends the entire time we were there.  When I was 15 I moved to California with my dad, which last until I was 16 and a half and then I went into a foster home.  That is when I was able to go back to school, but at that point it was so late, I'm not even sure what the point was.  California insisted that it was because I needed the social aspect of high school.  The problem with their theory was that I wasn't allowed to do anything.  I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, do much of anything, it was horrible.  And I spent so much of my time doing classes, seven classes in high school, four nights a week of night school, to try and catch up this mess that I didn't have time to do anything anyway.  

That being said, I'm now 33, I'm the store manager at Radio Shack in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  This is my second store.  Everyone tells me that work isn't everything, money isn't everything, yet everyone chooses money over people.  My daughter is 13 now, her father didn't want her because he wasn't ready.  Instead of fighting and forcing the situation I left, and moved to Montana.  To this day he is content paying the child support, he only sees her when he happens to be around in the same vicinity.  Convenience is key.  He doesn't see it that way, he loves her, and that should be enough, but he's not around, money replaces his presence.  My first husband, we got along great and he is a great guy, but he would never keep a job while we were together.  Now that we're not together he is doing all the things that he should have done while we were together, including keeping his job.  All we did was fight about money because we couldn't even afford to buy food half the time, and now that I'm gone he does fine.  I had a "boyfriend" along the way who stole my money all the time, used other people all the time, I meant no more to him than anyone else did yet he lived with me for a year and a half.  All I was was a bank account, there to give him what he wanted.  My second husband, all he cared about was money, status, the latest and greatest toys, looking good to the rest of the world.  And now my current other half, he hates that I work so much, he hates that I choose to work than have time off, and yet he is choosing his job over everything, including me.  

Everyone says they worry about me, my health, working too much, not taking good care of myself, not sleeping.  But no one ever invests any time in me like I do everyone else.  I'm not trying to sound like a saint, I do the best I can, but no one is perfect and no one ever will be.  What I have always found interesting is that people always tell me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do, but they never physically help me.  They never come to my rescue when I'm down, they never want to help me, they just want to tell me what to do.  I've always been a workaholic, I've always been very career driven, but not for money, it's for my own personal gratification.  I as a general rule, hate money.  Money ruins lives, changes people, turns them into something they're not and it's horrible.  I work because I want to.  But how can people tell me I work too much?  How can people tell me that money isn't everything and then choose it over people they care about?  I choose the people I care about and I take care of them, I give out money because that's what they care about, I drive all day, juggle my schedule and make myself sick, sacrificing everything from money to time to emotional and physical well being, and yet they say I shouldn't do it, but they keep ASKING ME TO.  The only way I can keep the people in my life at this point is to keep doing it, and yet they keep telling me I shouldn't, and then asking me to.  It makes no sense to me.  At this point I feel like nothing I do is right. I focused on my career to be able to buy my people the things they want, to be able to take care of them, to be able to help them if they need it, and to put the kids through college.  This is what people want from me.  Helping people gives me purpose.  Take Jason for instance, my whole world revolves around him.  I love him, I drive to see him, I try to take care of him when he's sick, when he's upset, I talk to him, I think about him all the time, and yet he is always telling me I do too much, I work too much, I need to take better care of myself.  And in the same breath he will want me to drive up to see him, I will stay up until three am making food, hanging out, talking, and then drive back to open my store at 8:30 am.  LOL.  I want to see him, I obviously choose to do it, but don't make me feel bad for doing it.  I have to do what I have to do.  And yet he is choosing his job, which is replaceable, all jobs are replaceable, over me.  He won't come here because of his job, yet he wants me to not choose mine.  It's so confusing.  He says money isn't everything, then he chooses to stay with his job because of the money.  He chooses money over me, a person who cares about him, who wants him around and yet he tells me not to do the same thing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to quit and move back, or what he wants, but it's hard fighting everyone, trying to make a career for myself so I can take care of those I love, and because that is what makes me, me, when they are doing the same things and then telling me I shouldn't.  But it would be ridiculous for me to quit because I make more than most anyone I know that's close to me.  And the only way for any of this to work is for one of us to be able to support the other for a short time, to be able to afford the gas for the trips back and forth, and it all comes down to money.  

Honestly I think people want to care about me but I'm not worth any actual effort.  To keep me around is too much work for them, so they stick around until they have to do something and then they bail.  Every single person I've been with has done that.  They are more than happy to keep me around, be with me, spend time with me, as long as I do all the work.  As soon as I can't keep up it fades away.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I'm so tired and yet I have to keep going.  And all the negativity around me is relentless.  Everyone telling me I'm not doing the right things.  Sometimes I just want to give up, which is so not like me.  I'm not the quitting type, never have been, so it's even more frustrating.  But no one will give an inch, they keep taking and taking, and won't give a little at all.  And I feel very alone.  I feel very unsupported.  I guess I should go back to being the career driven dreamer who had her own life plans and worried less about those around her.  But I've changed since I was younger, I get attached to people now and then now whereas when I was younger I couldn't have cared less, which kind of brings me to my first point.  
Is it all worth it?  When you find someone in life that you can be with, really be with, laugh with, cry with, talk to, is it worth staying with a job for that?  Is it worth staying career driven?  I made the choice to move because I thought it was the best choice for me, for anyone I knew, all like, three of them.  But now all I've done is make life harder on me.  Now I'm living two separate lives, but there isn't enough of me to go around.  I'm not sure how to fix it, and no one seems to understand.  And this is why I feel like quitting.  No one is willing to help me follow my path, I just help them stay on theirs.    

All I'm doing is venting as you can see.  LOL.  I just don't get to talk much so I'm talking to the abyss that is the Internet instead.  One of these days something will give and I will know what my purpose is, right now I just feel like a stepping stone for everyone around me.  It kinda sucks.  

Friday, November 8, 2013

One Year In

I haven't made a post in quite a while.  So much has happened, and yet so much hasn't changed at all.  LOL.  

I started at Radio Shack in Kalispell, October 26th, 2012.  My one year just passed, happy anniversary to me.  LOL.  And I'm in a new store already.  Now I'm at Radio Shack Coeur d'Alene and have been since August 1st, officially.  I wasn't supposed to be able to get a new store until my 12 months but somehow I got to anyway.  I was so excited about getting the big store in the district, and being promoted before 12 months since that wasn't supposed to be possible.  But the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit and I'm not sure how to get it back.  I had to leave Jason behind.  I left the kids behind too but I go and see them, and honestly they would rather live with their father anyway because he is the gamer and the "fun" one.  I go back and see them when I can, and they do so much better in the school they're in than a school I could put them in.  I don't want them to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of my job.  But Jason, I can't replace him.  Some people say he's just a guy, go find a new one.  Others say that long distance relationships are hard, but have nothing more to say.  It's interesting because I knew when I took this store I ran the risk of losing him, I knew it was a lot to ask of him to move to a place with me, for me.  Every week since I left I have gone back at least once, to see him, be with him.  I'm not one to give up easily, so I fight for what we could be if he came here, if we get the chance to be together.  I'm just so tired.  The drive is killing me.  This new store is insanely exhausting.  I can't figure out why it's so exhausting but it is.  A lot of it is mentally exhausting, trying to do the right thing, watch and coach my team, give them the best chance to be successful so I don't have to be there all day every day just for them to be successful.  I'm under tons of pressure to keep this store functioning at full potential, not only from the powers that be but from my myself.  Every day I come home to an empty house and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him, and tell him about my day, watch TV with him while we talk about stupid stuff and laugh.  I miss that, I miss the way he makes me feel better, and making him feel better, the way he gives me purpose, cooking for him, supporting each other when it feels like no one else understands.  We're both weird, and dorky, and silly and together we are great, we understand each other in a weird way.  I want him here.  He says he is psyching himself up to move, thinking about it, not sure, definitely thinking about it, I can't keep up.  I hate not knowing is the thing that bugs the crap out of me.  Every minute that passes is just another minute I miss him more.   Somewhere along the line in the last year, he became a fixture in my life, someone that I needed and not just wanted, someone that I relied on to keep myself grounded, and give my personal life purpose.  I shouldn't need anyone, but I do.  I have purpose, I could do anything I wanted myself, but I don't want to do just for me, I want him included, I want him here to be a part of everything I do, I want to be a part of everything he does.  I want us to be us, and take on the world as us, and right now all I can do is wait.  Waiting is so hollow, empty, wasting time apart when we could be together.  

Enough whining for now, I need to sleep but I'm sure I'll write more later.  ;)  

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


Why are the most uncomplicated things complicated?  LOL.  I swear, nothing is ever easy anymore.  Things don't just happen.  There always has to be something, something that gets in the way.  I've been the queen of adapt and overcome my whole life.  But why does it seem like I can't just be at any given moment without having to?  It's damned exhausting is what it is.  I'm presented with decisions I don't want to make, plain and simple.  And once again, I have to be the bigger person, the one who makes the right decision long term instead of being able to just live in the now.  All these issues, things I can't change, things I can't fix, and it will drive these decisions forever I think.  I don't think I will ever truly get to be happy, happy with myself, happy with my life, become complacent and comfortable.  It will never happen.  There will always be a dark cloud hovering over my head, the rain on my parade, and it pisses me off.  

So now I have to figure out what to do.  On the one hand I could be selfish and just run with it (it being the issue), make the decision based on the now and fuck the future.  But on the other hand I can't do that, because for everyone involved, someone has to make the choice instead of being caught up in the now, and reduce the amount of damage done later.  But how do you predict the future?  How do you even know if there will be damage in the future without getting there?  FUCK!  I don't know what to do.....I'm not sure there is a right answer but there has to be one that works, right?

Friday, January 18, 2013

I haven't written in a while.  I never have time to do anything anymore.  However, I am now starting to get two days off so I might actually get to do some of my writing once in a while.  Who knew?!  Work is good but I'm having issues over all.  I need to get my head back in the game, which is harder than it sounds with all the shit going on right now.  Plus, the kids have been sick, and I'm pretty sure they made me sick so now I'm gonna be sick for two weeks in a row, which really sucks.  It's gonna be a long year if I can't stop being sick for five minutes.  LOL.  Being sick gets old.  But oh well.  I guess I went several years without really getting sick so it's time for me.  I think years that end in three are bad luck for me.

I really need to go to the doctor but I've been putting it off for lack of interest in getting tubes shoved into my stomach.  I've been in a lot of pain lately and it's starting to drive me crazy.  Although I'm not really sure that going to the doctor is going to make it any better.  In fact, it will probably make it worse.  Doctor's never help anything, they are all overpaid and useless for the most part.  Only once in a blue moon do you actually find one that isn't a hack.  I don't know any in the valley here, they are all pathetic losers who suck at their jobs.  Which really sucks for someone like me who actually needs a doctor to be good at what they do.  That was the only upside to living in Maryland.  My GI there kicked total ass, so did my pain doc.  I would totally move back there just for them, and that's saying a lot because Maryland fucking SUCKS.  Everything in Maryland sucks.  There is not one thing there that would make that shit hole worth being there except those two docs, and I could probably get away with being in Virginia and making the commute if I wanted to.  I have no problem driving, so that could work.  

My dad is doing well.  I'll refrain from giving too many details since there are people in the world who like to fuck with us, namely my mother.  Yes, if you are reading this, stop.  LOL.  Anyway, he is doing pretty well though considering.  We're both putting the pieces together of our lives being uprooted.  We do it in different ways, and from across the country, but we make lemonade out of lemons all the time.  LOL.  It's what we're good at.  I'm about done picking up the emotional pieces.  I just shake my damn head at myself for caring in the first place.  Erik was a total waste of my life, can't believe I actually gifted him with my presence as long as I did.  So at least I'm over that waste of life.  Now I just have to make the rest of it truly count, which is my goal from now on.  No more wasting time with nothingness.  My dad is just biding his time until he can do what he wants to do also, so again we're living parallel lives without actually living together.  LOL.  It's funny how things work out.

I've run into some old friends since I've been back in Kalispell.  It's fun now, since I only drink sometimes, I don't party hard so it's a different way of being than it used to.  I used to party constantly and be wasted non stop so we were friends but I always had a very focused mind on being drunk, working, and partying.  Now I actually appreciate the people instead of just going out.  I laugh, a lot.  That's nice.  I haven't laughed in a long time, at least truly laughed.  I have friends now that make me laugh and we hang out, instead of the sole purpose being wasted.  It's pretty cool.  I used to wish I had friends but at the same time I hated having friends because I never had time to hang with all of them, and they all wanted me to party constantly, drink, or go with them to DD, or whatever the case was.  Now we meet up, hang out, and go on with our lives and stay in touch.  I missed some that I have run into so it's awesome that I have gotten to see them.  Now I just need to go visit Ryan in California.  I am long overdue for a trip down there.  It will be a while but I am so going.

School is on hiatus at the moment, between lack of money and time, I'm screwed.  I'm a bit disappointed and I am looking forward to finishing it, but everything in life takes time.  TIME TIME TIME, time we ain't got but try to spend anyway, it's a lot like money.  LOL.

My goal for this year is to save money, and fix my fuckin debt issue.  I just hope that my job holds up.  It's hard because I am trying to learn, and train, and keep everyone motivated, and do all this stuff, and I feel like they are just waiting for me to fuck up bad so they can fire me but at the same time my DM says I do a good job, so I can't tell.  I think it's just my guilty conscience and then my being my own worst critic that is a contributing factor to my disconcerted feeling about it.  I'm always hard on myself, and I expect more than what I am achieving now because I'm trying to deal with all this shit all at once, so I feel like I'm not fixing it fast enough.  LOL.  Then again, everything would have been perfect two months ago if I had my way, but that just wasn't in the cards.  So whatever, we'll see how the cookie crumbles.

I'm looking for a place, a house preferably so I can listen to my loud ass music.  LOL.  No owning for this girl.  People are stupid for buying a house.  It's a fucking disaster to own your own house.  So I'll be perfectly happy renting since I have no pets, I have kids but all I need is bedrooms for that.  LOL.  It will be just fine for me.  Plus I work so much that I won't be there much anyway most likely.  LOL.  No need to invest a ton of money in a place I'll never be at.  

Anyway, enough rambling.  Talk to yall lata!