Sunday, November 24, 2013


Sitting alone in my house, I look around at the emptiness and wonder if it's all worth it.  When I was younger I had five careers I was going to do in my lifetime, I had this big plan juggling the school and the jobs.  I was to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, a writer and a teacher.  I would go to school to be a doctor and start my pre-reqs for being a lawyer, I would become a doctor and finish law school.  I would be a singer in between, I would write in my off time, and then when all of that was done and I was "ready to retire" I would be a teacher and teach history or writing to high school kids.  I wanted to teach high school because they are the hardest to teach, the hardest to keep interested in what they are learning.  College, the kids opt to go, they may not like all the subjects but they choose to be there.  The younger grades, the kids are eager to learn, they want to go to school and learn and hang out with their friends, and love their teachers (usually).  But high school, that's where the challenge is.  High schoolers would rather ditch class, go hang out with their friends, when they start to develop wings of their own and try to fly in whatever direction the wind takes them at any given moment.  Sometimes it's the wrong direction, sometimes it's the best direction they could have chosen, but overall they are trying to find their own way in life and cutting ties with their parents, rebelling against authority, they don't choose to be at school, they are forced to be there by the powers that be and they usually don't have any interest in being there.  Those are the kids I wanted to inspire, teach them to make their own destiny, help them to find interest in the education they so want to leave behind.  Just the thought of teaching them inspires me.  When I got pulled out of school in fourth grade all of that kind of went out the window.  First we went to St. George, Utah.  We lived in a motorhome at the Redwood RV Park.  My brother and I made two friends there, they were the only friends we were really allowed to have and we could only hang out with the kids, my parents never got to know anyone really.  We lived there for a year.  My dad lived in California still, we stayed off the grid because they wanted me in court in California and they didn't want me to go.  The only thing we did was horses, I rode all the time, my mom bought and sold horses like crazy.  My mother and I went riding one day, she was on her horse TW and I was on Maggie, this ranch broke Morgan mare that I had no business being on, in a saddle that was too big, and she took off with me after her horse kicked mine in the face.  She ran to the barn, I screamed, and the last thing I remember was my hands reaching for the saddle and my legs above me as I slid off upside down, and then everything went black.  I had blood coming out of my nose, my body was tingling like a million ants were crawling on me, at least that's how the story goes.  My brother said I kept getting on my hands and knees and crawling in circles complaining about the ants.  I remember the wind of the helicopter, and the lights of the ambulances for about two seconds when I regained consciousness as they put me in the helicopter.  The only other time I woke up was when the oxygen burned my nose while I was on the chopper, I knocked it out and overheard the medics talking about me.  The pilot asked how I was doing, the doctor with me said I was doing well and a fighter but we needed to get there soon.  I woke up several days later in ICU, I don't remember much else.  The doctors had said my parents should prepare, if the swelling didn't kill me the bleeding would, it was a bad crack and severe head trauma.  But I walked out of that hospital, and to this day I'm not sure why.  We left St. George and moved to Carson City, we were there until I was about 11, my mother got pregnant with my sister.  Biggest mistake ever.  Well, I can't say that, she's made a couple big ones, but this was definitely one of them.  While she was pregnant we moved to Pahrump, Nevada.  All kinds of things happened while we were there.  Just that five year span would take me hours to write about.  Needless to say a lot happened and I grew up way faster than I ever wanted to, and still no school.  I had a total of maybe three friends the entire time we were there.  When I was 15 I moved to California with my dad, which last until I was 16 and a half and then I went into a foster home.  That is when I was able to go back to school, but at that point it was so late, I'm not even sure what the point was.  California insisted that it was because I needed the social aspect of high school.  The problem with their theory was that I wasn't allowed to do anything.  I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, do much of anything, it was horrible.  And I spent so much of my time doing classes, seven classes in high school, four nights a week of night school, to try and catch up this mess that I didn't have time to do anything anyway.  

That being said, I'm now 33, I'm the store manager at Radio Shack in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  This is my second store.  Everyone tells me that work isn't everything, money isn't everything, yet everyone chooses money over people.  My daughter is 13 now, her father didn't want her because he wasn't ready.  Instead of fighting and forcing the situation I left, and moved to Montana.  To this day he is content paying the child support, he only sees her when he happens to be around in the same vicinity.  Convenience is key.  He doesn't see it that way, he loves her, and that should be enough, but he's not around, money replaces his presence.  My first husband, we got along great and he is a great guy, but he would never keep a job while we were together.  Now that we're not together he is doing all the things that he should have done while we were together, including keeping his job.  All we did was fight about money because we couldn't even afford to buy food half the time, and now that I'm gone he does fine.  I had a "boyfriend" along the way who stole my money all the time, used other people all the time, I meant no more to him than anyone else did yet he lived with me for a year and a half.  All I was was a bank account, there to give him what he wanted.  My second husband, all he cared about was money, status, the latest and greatest toys, looking good to the rest of the world.  And now my current other half, he hates that I work so much, he hates that I choose to work than have time off, and yet he is choosing his job over everything, including me.  

Everyone says they worry about me, my health, working too much, not taking good care of myself, not sleeping.  But no one ever invests any time in me like I do everyone else.  I'm not trying to sound like a saint, I do the best I can, but no one is perfect and no one ever will be.  What I have always found interesting is that people always tell me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do, but they never physically help me.  They never come to my rescue when I'm down, they never want to help me, they just want to tell me what to do.  I've always been a workaholic, I've always been very career driven, but not for money, it's for my own personal gratification.  I as a general rule, hate money.  Money ruins lives, changes people, turns them into something they're not and it's horrible.  I work because I want to.  But how can people tell me I work too much?  How can people tell me that money isn't everything and then choose it over people they care about?  I choose the people I care about and I take care of them, I give out money because that's what they care about, I drive all day, juggle my schedule and make myself sick, sacrificing everything from money to time to emotional and physical well being, and yet they say I shouldn't do it, but they keep ASKING ME TO.  The only way I can keep the people in my life at this point is to keep doing it, and yet they keep telling me I shouldn't, and then asking me to.  It makes no sense to me.  At this point I feel like nothing I do is right. I focused on my career to be able to buy my people the things they want, to be able to take care of them, to be able to help them if they need it, and to put the kids through college.  This is what people want from me.  Helping people gives me purpose.  Take Jason for instance, my whole world revolves around him.  I love him, I drive to see him, I try to take care of him when he's sick, when he's upset, I talk to him, I think about him all the time, and yet he is always telling me I do too much, I work too much, I need to take better care of myself.  And in the same breath he will want me to drive up to see him, I will stay up until three am making food, hanging out, talking, and then drive back to open my store at 8:30 am.  LOL.  I want to see him, I obviously choose to do it, but don't make me feel bad for doing it.  I have to do what I have to do.  And yet he is choosing his job, which is replaceable, all jobs are replaceable, over me.  He won't come here because of his job, yet he wants me to not choose mine.  It's so confusing.  He says money isn't everything, then he chooses to stay with his job because of the money.  He chooses money over me, a person who cares about him, who wants him around and yet he tells me not to do the same thing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to quit and move back, or what he wants, but it's hard fighting everyone, trying to make a career for myself so I can take care of those I love, and because that is what makes me, me, when they are doing the same things and then telling me I shouldn't.  But it would be ridiculous for me to quit because I make more than most anyone I know that's close to me.  And the only way for any of this to work is for one of us to be able to support the other for a short time, to be able to afford the gas for the trips back and forth, and it all comes down to money.  

Honestly I think people want to care about me but I'm not worth any actual effort.  To keep me around is too much work for them, so they stick around until they have to do something and then they bail.  Every single person I've been with has done that.  They are more than happy to keep me around, be with me, spend time with me, as long as I do all the work.  As soon as I can't keep up it fades away.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I'm so tired and yet I have to keep going.  And all the negativity around me is relentless.  Everyone telling me I'm not doing the right things.  Sometimes I just want to give up, which is so not like me.  I'm not the quitting type, never have been, so it's even more frustrating.  But no one will give an inch, they keep taking and taking, and won't give a little at all.  And I feel very alone.  I feel very unsupported.  I guess I should go back to being the career driven dreamer who had her own life plans and worried less about those around her.  But I've changed since I was younger, I get attached to people now and then now whereas when I was younger I couldn't have cared less, which kind of brings me to my first point.  
Is it all worth it?  When you find someone in life that you can be with, really be with, laugh with, cry with, talk to, is it worth staying with a job for that?  Is it worth staying career driven?  I made the choice to move because I thought it was the best choice for me, for anyone I knew, all like, three of them.  But now all I've done is make life harder on me.  Now I'm living two separate lives, but there isn't enough of me to go around.  I'm not sure how to fix it, and no one seems to understand.  And this is why I feel like quitting.  No one is willing to help me follow my path, I just help them stay on theirs.    

All I'm doing is venting as you can see.  LOL.  I just don't get to talk much so I'm talking to the abyss that is the Internet instead.  One of these days something will give and I will know what my purpose is, right now I just feel like a stepping stone for everyone around me.  It kinda sucks.  

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