That being said, I'm now 33, I'm the store manager at Radio Shack in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. This is my second store. Everyone tells me that work isn't everything, money isn't everything, yet everyone chooses money over people. My daughter is 13 now, her father didn't want her because he wasn't ready. Instead of fighting and forcing the situation I left, and moved to Montana. To this day he is content paying the child support, he only sees her when he happens to be around in the same vicinity. Convenience is key. He doesn't see it that way, he loves her, and that should be enough, but he's not around, money replaces his presence. My first husband, we got along great and he is a great guy, but he would never keep a job while we were together. Now that we're not together he is doing all the things that he should have done while we were together, including keeping his job. All we did was fight about money because we couldn't even afford to buy food half the time, and now that I'm gone he does fine. I had a "boyfriend" along the way who stole my money all the time, used other people all the time, I meant no more to him than anyone else did yet he lived with me for a year and a half. All I was was a bank account, there to give him what he wanted. My second husband, all he cared about was money, status, the latest and greatest toys, looking good to the rest of the world. And now my current other half, he hates that I work so much, he hates that I choose to work than have time off, and yet he is choosing his job over everything, including me.
Everyone says they worry about me, my health, working too much, not taking good care of myself, not sleeping. But no one ever invests any time in me like I do everyone else. I'm not trying to sound like a saint, I do the best I can, but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. What I have always found interesting is that people always tell me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do, but they never physically help me. They never come to my rescue when I'm down, they never want to help me, they just want to tell me what to do. I've always been a workaholic, I've always been very career driven, but not for money, it's for my own personal gratification. I as a general rule, hate money. Money ruins lives, changes people, turns them into something they're not and it's horrible. I work because I want to. But how can people tell me I work too much? How can people tell me that money isn't everything and then choose it over people they care about? I choose the people I care about and I take care of them, I give out money because that's what they care about, I drive all day, juggle my schedule and make myself sick, sacrificing everything from money to time to emotional and physical well being, and yet they say I shouldn't do it, but they keep ASKING ME TO. The only way I can keep the people in my life at this point is to keep doing it, and yet they keep telling me I shouldn't, and then asking me to. It makes no sense to me. At this point I feel like nothing I do is right. I focused on my career to be able to buy my people the things they want, to be able to take care of them, to be able to help them if they need it, and to put the kids through college. This is what people want from me. Helping people gives me purpose. Take Jason for instance, my whole world revolves around him. I love him, I drive to see him, I try to take care of him when he's sick, when he's upset, I talk to him, I think about him all the time, and yet he is always telling me I do too much, I work too much, I need to take better care of myself. And in the same breath he will want me to drive up to see him, I will stay up until three am making food, hanging out, talking, and then drive back to open my store at 8:30 am. LOL. I want to see him, I obviously choose to do it, but don't make me feel bad for doing it. I have to do what I have to do. And yet he is choosing his job, which is replaceable, all jobs are replaceable, over me. He won't come here because of his job, yet he wants me to not choose mine. It's so confusing. He says money isn't everything, then he chooses to stay with his job because of the money. He chooses money over me, a person who cares about him, who wants him around and yet he tells me not to do the same thing. I'm not sure if he wants me to quit and move back, or what he wants, but it's hard fighting everyone, trying to make a career for myself so I can take care of those I love, and because that is what makes me, me, when they are doing the same things and then telling me I shouldn't. But it would be ridiculous for me to quit because I make more than most anyone I know that's close to me. And the only way for any of this to work is for one of us to be able to support the other for a short time, to be able to afford the gas for the trips back and forth, and it all comes down to money.
Honestly I think people want to care about me but I'm not worth any actual effort. To keep me around is too much work for them, so they stick around until they have to do something and then they bail. Every single person I've been with has done that. They are more than happy to keep me around, be with me, spend time with me, as long as I do all the work. As soon as I can't keep up it fades away. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm so tired and yet I have to keep going. And all the negativity around me is relentless. Everyone telling me I'm not doing the right things. Sometimes I just want to give up, which is so not like me. I'm not the quitting type, never have been, so it's even more frustrating. But no one will give an inch, they keep taking and taking, and won't give a little at all. And I feel very alone. I feel very unsupported. I guess I should go back to being the career driven dreamer who had her own life plans and worried less about those around her. But I've changed since I was younger, I get attached to people now and then now whereas when I was younger I couldn't have cared less, which kind of brings me to my first point.
Is it all worth it? When you find someone in life that you can be with, really be with, laugh with, cry with, talk to, is it worth staying with a job for that? Is it worth staying career driven? I made the choice to move because I thought it was the best choice for me, for anyone I knew, all like, three of them. But now all I've done is make life harder on me. Now I'm living two separate lives, but there isn't enough of me to go around. I'm not sure how to fix it, and no one seems to understand. And this is why I feel like quitting. No one is willing to help me follow my path, I just help them stay on theirs.
All I'm doing is venting as you can see. LOL. I just don't get to talk much so I'm talking to the abyss that is the Internet instead. One of these days something will give and I will know what my purpose is, right now I just feel like a stepping stone for everyone around me. It kinda sucks.