Sunday, September 21, 2014


Be forewarned, I am going to sound like a totally jaded, man hating bitch in this post so let me just say that I don't hate all men, just most of the ones I have ever been with in my lifetime.  LOL.  

When my mom died I snapped for a while, life itself has lost most if not all of it's meaning.  I don't understand why people continue to go through this much pain and grief to just keep waking up to the same pain and grief every day.  Humans are social creatures by nature.  Almost all of the major criminals in the world's past were incapable of attaching themselves in any fashion to other people or they were too attached to one, maybe two, which drove them to the obsessive behavior that created them.  What blows my mind is how, in relation to me, the men that were my "friends", were the ones I cared about, the ones that told me that life was worth living, I'm so great, I'm so pretty, so smart, whatever they were spewing at the time, are the people who are the most uncaring, self absorbed, narcissistic nut jobs I've ever met.  How do I always get involved with screw ups?  It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "I'm here to bled dry, sucked of all life, love, emotion, anything I would have had that made me a positive, outgoing person, just for YOU!".  

My first ex-husband, who has been pining over me since the day we met, waited even after I was married to someone else, for me to come back to him like he was so amazing I wouldn't be able to resist forever.  Now, in his defense, he can be a great guy.  Or at least he used to be.  He was the one person I knew would never lay a hand on me, cheat on me, we have stayed friends even after the divorce and have been trying to keep it together for the kids, so to speak.  As time went on he got less and less controlled.  One night, maybe seven years or so ago, he got shit faced drunk and slammed me up against a wall and screamed in my face to the point that his friends had to pull him off of me.  All because I was trying to keep him from waking the kids up at 4 am with his screaming at me.  He goes through mood swings to the point that it's insane.  One minute he is fine and happy and the next he is going off on me about what a bitch I am and he was only interested in me because I could have kids anymore so he could fuck me and not worry about anything.  The truth that nobody knows about him is that we are divorced because of him.  There is only one thing that caused our demise and it wasn't my doing.  In fact, if you talk to anyone about what really happened they look at me and wonder why I didn't file charges or leave him sooner.  Around year five or six he suddenly decided it was more fun having sex with me in my sleep.  It was to the extent that he wouldn't even try while I was awake sometimes.  He did it while I was staying with him and the kids while I was married to my second husband and I woke up to find him on me.  He did it while we weren't even together.  After the third separation we were still living together because he had given up our apartment and moved us back in (for the third time) with his drunk abusive step dad, which I was highly against but he was convinced we would save money, and then got himself fired immediately after we got there.  A week, to be exact.  He then had sex with me in my sleep after offering to give me a back massage because I had worked that day and I got pregnant with my third baby.  I would never give that boy back for anything, but the circumstances of his conception are less than ideal.  I couldn't take anymore.  I couldn't be married to someone who was too much like my father.  I gave him so many chances to fix it and he just wouldn't.  I found him counselors, tried to get him jobs he wanted to do, everything I did got met with dismissal or resistance.  

Now here we are, four years after the divorce.  He is using the kids to try and manipulate me, as he always does.  But he is refusing to let me see them, talk to them, he made damn sure I couldn't get them down to CDA during the summer.  And now he is refusing to let me take MY daughter so I can undo the damage he is creating with her.  She is completely lost, she has no idea who she is anymore, and he is more into her being a boy than he is with his own boys being boys.  He leaves the boys at home constantly while he goes places, shopping, baseball games, they are always home with his mother who doesn't work, doesn't do anything, she just sits there, and eats.  Oz on the other hand is always with him, or she's out doing her own thing, half the time with no permission.  The problem with this is that he has no legal right to her whatsoever.  He has her because I didn't want to split her and the boys up but she has gotten to the point where if she does not get some sort of positive female influence she is gonna be messed up for the rest of her life.  A month ago he wanted me to take her, this month, because now it's my idea based on his lack of ability to raise her properly, he doesn't want me to.  I am sick of this guy using the kids and putting them in the middle of everything.  He's even got her arguing for him.  He has always used them to keep me coming back to his house.  He uses them to look good to his friends.  He wants to look like a hero without doing anything heroic.  So he keeps the kids, lies about what is really going on, the fact that I wanted to take them for a while, the fact that I try to be involved with what they do and he refuses to tell me anything that is going on at their schools or vacations until the last second or after the fact, and I can't do anything at that point.  He lies to everyone making it sound like he is so awesome and I am nothing, until he thinks he might get me back, then I'm okay.  I have been blatantly clear about not going back to him but he just can't get it through his head.  And now the kids are the only thing that keeps me around, guarantees I'll have to keep coming back.  And the kids just plain old don't understand.  I just can't deal with the manipulation anymore.  I didn't have kids with him to have them be used to control me forever.  I want to be able to see them and talk to them without them having to feel like they are breaking the rules for talking to their own mother.  How pathetic is that?  
Not to mention the fact that he is racist to everyone who isn't white.  My children think the N word is the appropriate word to be used in reference to a black person.  He is prejudicial against everyone including people on welfare and yet he collects food stamps.  Go figure.  He judges everyone he comes in contact with with.  Obesity, yet both him and his mother are grossly overweight.  Women are useless pieces of meat to him, and yet he seeks them out for his own personal gain, primarily sex and that's it.  And my kids are learning all of these ridiculous behaviors and I am powerless to do anything about it, yet.

So for the record, I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy when I didn't actually do anything wrong besides leaving a rapist.  It's about time I vent considering I've been letting him badger me for years and manipulate everything.  If I had known he would pull this crap back then I would have been more proactive in stopping him.  But I was too nice and never expected this behavior from him.  I guess no one is really who they seem in this world.

Just wanted to tell my side of the story.  I'm sick of the Jeremy's and Jason's and Erik's of the world getting to say or do whatever they want about me or anything else and always getting away with it.  Nobody holds anyone accountable for their actions anymore.  Oh the stories I could, and probably will, tell.....LOL

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Can't sleep

Well I can't sleep so I figured I would write.  That should help, hopefully.  LOL.

So Jason cheated on me.  I'm pretty sure I posted that somewhere in here.  And two weeks ago I stayed with him when I went up for Oz's high school enrollment prep, 6 hours of driving for 20 minutes of paperwork.  It was kind of messed up really.  I have no problem doing stuff for the kids.  But it would have been nice if it had been more of a worthwhile expenditure all because Jeremy had a meeting with the school board and didn't want to leave work 20 minutes early to be able to take her.  Again, not complaining about her, I obviously want to help the kids and be there for them when they need me as often as I can.  It's just frustrating that I get called in for little bursts of redundant crap rather than something important or meaningful.  But oh well.  

That being said, I talked to Jason for the first couple of days that I was gone and then I stopped talking.  We didn't talk for a week, he didn't say a word.  On Friday I broke down like a sap and texted him, and he said he was just about to text me.  Not sure I believe that but okay.  I bitched at him, which I can't seem to help doing.  He's really pissed me off and hurt me so much over the past few months.  But then we talked and joked like we normally do, and this week we're talking like nothing happened.  I'm not sure what changed.  I always have to analyze him and try to understand.  Try being the operative word.  He's such a conundrum.  He was avoiding me like the plague, afraid getting sucked back in or something, and now he's talking about possibly coming to visit ME.  I spent the last year trying to get him to come visit me and it was like I was trying to cut off a limb.  LOL.  Now he's actually thinking about coming here and I just don't get it.  Like my previous comment, I'm not complaining.  But it's so confusing when he pulls this back and forth stuff.  I've completely washed my hands of trying to be everyone's friend, or trying to make life easier for everyone else, or caring all together.  But that doesn't mean I don't get completely lost anyway.  LOL.  

It's interesting to me how much I have changed in the past couple of months.  I have literally become a dead, soulless version of myself.  Nothing that happens around me or to me has any emotional effect whatsoever.  I have a hell of a time explaining it to people also.  I care to the extent that I want to know things, or am curious of the thinking behind people's comments or actions, but as far as any emotional attachment or reaction, I have none.  It's weird also, because I don't really know how to be this person and yet I am.  I do it without even thinking.  I don't filter anything, I don't pause to think through what I'm about to say before saying it, I'm just here doing whatever I happen to do on any given day with no perception of time or destination.  Finishing a task or reaching a goal holds no meaning for me anymore.  I used to have pride, care what people thought of my work, strive to achieve better tomorrow than I did today.  Now I not only don't care about tomorrow but I almost dread it for the sake of whatever shit may be thrown at me that I don't feel like dealing with because I just don't care enough to deal with it.  So I find it interesting that now that I am this emotionless, non caring entity Jason suddenly wants to hang out or do things.  It's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a while.  LOL.  

The only upside to my new found lack of involvement with life in general, well there's a couple I guess, is that he can't hurt me, at least for now.  I no longer let Jeremy use the kids as a tether to keep me around for his sake.  He's none too happy about it but I'm sure he'll live.  It's a lesson he needs to learn whether he likes it or not.  You can only use the kids as a bargaining chip for so long before the other person gets smart about the game that's being played.  I no longer get sucked into meaningless shit for the sake of helping someone, or thinking I'm doing good when all I'm doing is enabling whoever it happens to be at the time to continue using me, manipulating me, But it's funny how everyone stops being your friend when you become that person....

Sunday, May 11, 2014


Did you ever notice how life is just one big addiction? Addicted to love. Addicted to money.  Addicted to work. Addicted to tv. Addicted to drugs. Addicted to food.  Addicted to alcohol. People always chase what they crave. Every single person does it in the entire world.  Yet, everyone in the entire world is so quick to pass judgment on everyone for doing the same exact thing.  Most pass judgment because they either care about who theyre judging or they are so full of their own beliefs that they have to shove them down peoples' throats. I think people should just accept that everyone is different.  Stop trying to change people. Stop thinking that everyone needs to be like you. The thought that you cant have friends or get along in the world unless you change the people around you to be like you is ridiculous.  Change is the spice of life.  Different people teach you different things, broaden your horizons and open your mind to all kinds of things you may not have come up with on your own.  Doesnt mean you have to like all of their opinions or thoughts but dont judge them for being different.