Sunday, September 21, 2014


Be forewarned, I am going to sound like a totally jaded, man hating bitch in this post so let me just say that I don't hate all men, just most of the ones I have ever been with in my lifetime.  LOL.  

When my mom died I snapped for a while, life itself has lost most if not all of it's meaning.  I don't understand why people continue to go through this much pain and grief to just keep waking up to the same pain and grief every day.  Humans are social creatures by nature.  Almost all of the major criminals in the world's past were incapable of attaching themselves in any fashion to other people or they were too attached to one, maybe two, which drove them to the obsessive behavior that created them.  What blows my mind is how, in relation to me, the men that were my "friends", were the ones I cared about, the ones that told me that life was worth living, I'm so great, I'm so pretty, so smart, whatever they were spewing at the time, are the people who are the most uncaring, self absorbed, narcissistic nut jobs I've ever met.  How do I always get involved with screw ups?  It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "I'm here to bled dry, sucked of all life, love, emotion, anything I would have had that made me a positive, outgoing person, just for YOU!".  

My first ex-husband, who has been pining over me since the day we met, waited even after I was married to someone else, for me to come back to him like he was so amazing I wouldn't be able to resist forever.  Now, in his defense, he can be a great guy.  Or at least he used to be.  He was the one person I knew would never lay a hand on me, cheat on me, we have stayed friends even after the divorce and have been trying to keep it together for the kids, so to speak.  As time went on he got less and less controlled.  One night, maybe seven years or so ago, he got shit faced drunk and slammed me up against a wall and screamed in my face to the point that his friends had to pull him off of me.  All because I was trying to keep him from waking the kids up at 4 am with his screaming at me.  He goes through mood swings to the point that it's insane.  One minute he is fine and happy and the next he is going off on me about what a bitch I am and he was only interested in me because I could have kids anymore so he could fuck me and not worry about anything.  The truth that nobody knows about him is that we are divorced because of him.  There is only one thing that caused our demise and it wasn't my doing.  In fact, if you talk to anyone about what really happened they look at me and wonder why I didn't file charges or leave him sooner.  Around year five or six he suddenly decided it was more fun having sex with me in my sleep.  It was to the extent that he wouldn't even try while I was awake sometimes.  He did it while I was staying with him and the kids while I was married to my second husband and I woke up to find him on me.  He did it while we weren't even together.  After the third separation we were still living together because he had given up our apartment and moved us back in (for the third time) with his drunk abusive step dad, which I was highly against but he was convinced we would save money, and then got himself fired immediately after we got there.  A week, to be exact.  He then had sex with me in my sleep after offering to give me a back massage because I had worked that day and I got pregnant with my third baby.  I would never give that boy back for anything, but the circumstances of his conception are less than ideal.  I couldn't take anymore.  I couldn't be married to someone who was too much like my father.  I gave him so many chances to fix it and he just wouldn't.  I found him counselors, tried to get him jobs he wanted to do, everything I did got met with dismissal or resistance.  

Now here we are, four years after the divorce.  He is using the kids to try and manipulate me, as he always does.  But he is refusing to let me see them, talk to them, he made damn sure I couldn't get them down to CDA during the summer.  And now he is refusing to let me take MY daughter so I can undo the damage he is creating with her.  She is completely lost, she has no idea who she is anymore, and he is more into her being a boy than he is with his own boys being boys.  He leaves the boys at home constantly while he goes places, shopping, baseball games, they are always home with his mother who doesn't work, doesn't do anything, she just sits there, and eats.  Oz on the other hand is always with him, or she's out doing her own thing, half the time with no permission.  The problem with this is that he has no legal right to her whatsoever.  He has her because I didn't want to split her and the boys up but she has gotten to the point where if she does not get some sort of positive female influence she is gonna be messed up for the rest of her life.  A month ago he wanted me to take her, this month, because now it's my idea based on his lack of ability to raise her properly, he doesn't want me to.  I am sick of this guy using the kids and putting them in the middle of everything.  He's even got her arguing for him.  He has always used them to keep me coming back to his house.  He uses them to look good to his friends.  He wants to look like a hero without doing anything heroic.  So he keeps the kids, lies about what is really going on, the fact that I wanted to take them for a while, the fact that I try to be involved with what they do and he refuses to tell me anything that is going on at their schools or vacations until the last second or after the fact, and I can't do anything at that point.  He lies to everyone making it sound like he is so awesome and I am nothing, until he thinks he might get me back, then I'm okay.  I have been blatantly clear about not going back to him but he just can't get it through his head.  And now the kids are the only thing that keeps me around, guarantees I'll have to keep coming back.  And the kids just plain old don't understand.  I just can't deal with the manipulation anymore.  I didn't have kids with him to have them be used to control me forever.  I want to be able to see them and talk to them without them having to feel like they are breaking the rules for talking to their own mother.  How pathetic is that?  
Not to mention the fact that he is racist to everyone who isn't white.  My children think the N word is the appropriate word to be used in reference to a black person.  He is prejudicial against everyone including people on welfare and yet he collects food stamps.  Go figure.  He judges everyone he comes in contact with with.  Obesity, yet both him and his mother are grossly overweight.  Women are useless pieces of meat to him, and yet he seeks them out for his own personal gain, primarily sex and that's it.  And my kids are learning all of these ridiculous behaviors and I am powerless to do anything about it, yet.

So for the record, I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy when I didn't actually do anything wrong besides leaving a rapist.  It's about time I vent considering I've been letting him badger me for years and manipulate everything.  If I had known he would pull this crap back then I would have been more proactive in stopping him.  But I was too nice and never expected this behavior from him.  I guess no one is really who they seem in this world.

Just wanted to tell my side of the story.  I'm sick of the Jeremy's and Jason's and Erik's of the world getting to say or do whatever they want about me or anything else and always getting away with it.  Nobody holds anyone accountable for their actions anymore.  Oh the stories I could, and probably will, tell.....LOL

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