Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Can't sleep

Well I can't sleep so I figured I would write.  That should help, hopefully.  LOL.

So Jason cheated on me.  I'm pretty sure I posted that somewhere in here.  And two weeks ago I stayed with him when I went up for Oz's high school enrollment prep, 6 hours of driving for 20 minutes of paperwork.  It was kind of messed up really.  I have no problem doing stuff for the kids.  But it would have been nice if it had been more of a worthwhile expenditure all because Jeremy had a meeting with the school board and didn't want to leave work 20 minutes early to be able to take her.  Again, not complaining about her, I obviously want to help the kids and be there for them when they need me as often as I can.  It's just frustrating that I get called in for little bursts of redundant crap rather than something important or meaningful.  But oh well.  

That being said, I talked to Jason for the first couple of days that I was gone and then I stopped talking.  We didn't talk for a week, he didn't say a word.  On Friday I broke down like a sap and texted him, and he said he was just about to text me.  Not sure I believe that but okay.  I bitched at him, which I can't seem to help doing.  He's really pissed me off and hurt me so much over the past few months.  But then we talked and joked like we normally do, and this week we're talking like nothing happened.  I'm not sure what changed.  I always have to analyze him and try to understand.  Try being the operative word.  He's such a conundrum.  He was avoiding me like the plague, afraid getting sucked back in or something, and now he's talking about possibly coming to visit ME.  I spent the last year trying to get him to come visit me and it was like I was trying to cut off a limb.  LOL.  Now he's actually thinking about coming here and I just don't get it.  Like my previous comment, I'm not complaining.  But it's so confusing when he pulls this back and forth stuff.  I've completely washed my hands of trying to be everyone's friend, or trying to make life easier for everyone else, or caring all together.  But that doesn't mean I don't get completely lost anyway.  LOL.  

It's interesting to me how much I have changed in the past couple of months.  I have literally become a dead, soulless version of myself.  Nothing that happens around me or to me has any emotional effect whatsoever.  I have a hell of a time explaining it to people also.  I care to the extent that I want to know things, or am curious of the thinking behind people's comments or actions, but as far as any emotional attachment or reaction, I have none.  It's weird also, because I don't really know how to be this person and yet I am.  I do it without even thinking.  I don't filter anything, I don't pause to think through what I'm about to say before saying it, I'm just here doing whatever I happen to do on any given day with no perception of time or destination.  Finishing a task or reaching a goal holds no meaning for me anymore.  I used to have pride, care what people thought of my work, strive to achieve better tomorrow than I did today.  Now I not only don't care about tomorrow but I almost dread it for the sake of whatever shit may be thrown at me that I don't feel like dealing with because I just don't care enough to deal with it.  So I find it interesting that now that I am this emotionless, non caring entity Jason suddenly wants to hang out or do things.  It's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a while.  LOL.  

The only upside to my new found lack of involvement with life in general, well there's a couple I guess, is that he can't hurt me, at least for now.  I no longer let Jeremy use the kids as a tether to keep me around for his sake.  He's none too happy about it but I'm sure he'll live.  It's a lesson he needs to learn whether he likes it or not.  You can only use the kids as a bargaining chip for so long before the other person gets smart about the game that's being played.  I no longer get sucked into meaningless shit for the sake of helping someone, or thinking I'm doing good when all I'm doing is enabling whoever it happens to be at the time to continue using me, manipulating me, But it's funny how everyone stops being your friend when you become that person....

1 comment:

  1. Nice... please write have a gift...