Friday, January 18, 2013

I haven't written in a while.  I never have time to do anything anymore.  However, I am now starting to get two days off so I might actually get to do some of my writing once in a while.  Who knew?!  Work is good but I'm having issues over all.  I need to get my head back in the game, which is harder than it sounds with all the shit going on right now.  Plus, the kids have been sick, and I'm pretty sure they made me sick so now I'm gonna be sick for two weeks in a row, which really sucks.  It's gonna be a long year if I can't stop being sick for five minutes.  LOL.  Being sick gets old.  But oh well.  I guess I went several years without really getting sick so it's time for me.  I think years that end in three are bad luck for me.

I really need to go to the doctor but I've been putting it off for lack of interest in getting tubes shoved into my stomach.  I've been in a lot of pain lately and it's starting to drive me crazy.  Although I'm not really sure that going to the doctor is going to make it any better.  In fact, it will probably make it worse.  Doctor's never help anything, they are all overpaid and useless for the most part.  Only once in a blue moon do you actually find one that isn't a hack.  I don't know any in the valley here, they are all pathetic losers who suck at their jobs.  Which really sucks for someone like me who actually needs a doctor to be good at what they do.  That was the only upside to living in Maryland.  My GI there kicked total ass, so did my pain doc.  I would totally move back there just for them, and that's saying a lot because Maryland fucking SUCKS.  Everything in Maryland sucks.  There is not one thing there that would make that shit hole worth being there except those two docs, and I could probably get away with being in Virginia and making the commute if I wanted to.  I have no problem driving, so that could work.  

My dad is doing well.  I'll refrain from giving too many details since there are people in the world who like to fuck with us, namely my mother.  Yes, if you are reading this, stop.  LOL.  Anyway, he is doing pretty well though considering.  We're both putting the pieces together of our lives being uprooted.  We do it in different ways, and from across the country, but we make lemonade out of lemons all the time.  LOL.  It's what we're good at.  I'm about done picking up the emotional pieces.  I just shake my damn head at myself for caring in the first place.  Erik was a total waste of my life, can't believe I actually gifted him with my presence as long as I did.  So at least I'm over that waste of life.  Now I just have to make the rest of it truly count, which is my goal from now on.  No more wasting time with nothingness.  My dad is just biding his time until he can do what he wants to do also, so again we're living parallel lives without actually living together.  LOL.  It's funny how things work out.

I've run into some old friends since I've been back in Kalispell.  It's fun now, since I only drink sometimes, I don't party hard so it's a different way of being than it used to.  I used to party constantly and be wasted non stop so we were friends but I always had a very focused mind on being drunk, working, and partying.  Now I actually appreciate the people instead of just going out.  I laugh, a lot.  That's nice.  I haven't laughed in a long time, at least truly laughed.  I have friends now that make me laugh and we hang out, instead of the sole purpose being wasted.  It's pretty cool.  I used to wish I had friends but at the same time I hated having friends because I never had time to hang with all of them, and they all wanted me to party constantly, drink, or go with them to DD, or whatever the case was.  Now we meet up, hang out, and go on with our lives and stay in touch.  I missed some that I have run into so it's awesome that I have gotten to see them.  Now I just need to go visit Ryan in California.  I am long overdue for a trip down there.  It will be a while but I am so going.

School is on hiatus at the moment, between lack of money and time, I'm screwed.  I'm a bit disappointed and I am looking forward to finishing it, but everything in life takes time.  TIME TIME TIME, time we ain't got but try to spend anyway, it's a lot like money.  LOL.

My goal for this year is to save money, and fix my fuckin debt issue.  I just hope that my job holds up.  It's hard because I am trying to learn, and train, and keep everyone motivated, and do all this stuff, and I feel like they are just waiting for me to fuck up bad so they can fire me but at the same time my DM says I do a good job, so I can't tell.  I think it's just my guilty conscience and then my being my own worst critic that is a contributing factor to my disconcerted feeling about it.  I'm always hard on myself, and I expect more than what I am achieving now because I'm trying to deal with all this shit all at once, so I feel like I'm not fixing it fast enough.  LOL.  Then again, everything would have been perfect two months ago if I had my way, but that just wasn't in the cards.  So whatever, we'll see how the cookie crumbles.

I'm looking for a place, a house preferably so I can listen to my loud ass music.  LOL.  No owning for this girl.  People are stupid for buying a house.  It's a fucking disaster to own your own house.  So I'll be perfectly happy renting since I have no pets, I have kids but all I need is bedrooms for that.  LOL.  It will be just fine for me.  Plus I work so much that I won't be there much anyway most likely.  LOL.  No need to invest a ton of money in a place I'll never be at.  

Anyway, enough rambling.  Talk to yall lata!