Friday, November 8, 2013

One Year In

I haven't made a post in quite a while.  So much has happened, and yet so much hasn't changed at all.  LOL.  

I started at Radio Shack in Kalispell, October 26th, 2012.  My one year just passed, happy anniversary to me.  LOL.  And I'm in a new store already.  Now I'm at Radio Shack Coeur d'Alene and have been since August 1st, officially.  I wasn't supposed to be able to get a new store until my 12 months but somehow I got to anyway.  I was so excited about getting the big store in the district, and being promoted before 12 months since that wasn't supposed to be possible.  But the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit and I'm not sure how to get it back.  I had to leave Jason behind.  I left the kids behind too but I go and see them, and honestly they would rather live with their father anyway because he is the gamer and the "fun" one.  I go back and see them when I can, and they do so much better in the school they're in than a school I could put them in.  I don't want them to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of my job.  But Jason, I can't replace him.  Some people say he's just a guy, go find a new one.  Others say that long distance relationships are hard, but have nothing more to say.  It's interesting because I knew when I took this store I ran the risk of losing him, I knew it was a lot to ask of him to move to a place with me, for me.  Every week since I left I have gone back at least once, to see him, be with him.  I'm not one to give up easily, so I fight for what we could be if he came here, if we get the chance to be together.  I'm just so tired.  The drive is killing me.  This new store is insanely exhausting.  I can't figure out why it's so exhausting but it is.  A lot of it is mentally exhausting, trying to do the right thing, watch and coach my team, give them the best chance to be successful so I don't have to be there all day every day just for them to be successful.  I'm under tons of pressure to keep this store functioning at full potential, not only from the powers that be but from my myself.  Every day I come home to an empty house and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him, and tell him about my day, watch TV with him while we talk about stupid stuff and laugh.  I miss that, I miss the way he makes me feel better, and making him feel better, the way he gives me purpose, cooking for him, supporting each other when it feels like no one else understands.  We're both weird, and dorky, and silly and together we are great, we understand each other in a weird way.  I want him here.  He says he is psyching himself up to move, thinking about it, not sure, definitely thinking about it, I can't keep up.  I hate not knowing is the thing that bugs the crap out of me.  Every minute that passes is just another minute I miss him more.   Somewhere along the line in the last year, he became a fixture in my life, someone that I needed and not just wanted, someone that I relied on to keep myself grounded, and give my personal life purpose.  I shouldn't need anyone, but I do.  I have purpose, I could do anything I wanted myself, but I don't want to do just for me, I want him included, I want him here to be a part of everything I do, I want to be a part of everything he does.  I want us to be us, and take on the world as us, and right now all I can do is wait.  Waiting is so hollow, empty, wasting time apart when we could be together.  

Enough whining for now, I need to sleep but I'm sure I'll write more later.  ;)  

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