Friday, October 12, 2012

A letter to my mother

This past two weeks has been a journey of self discovery. I have faced those who have "hurt" me and I have begged forgiveness of those who I should not have let go. Since I cannot see my mother face to face because she is hiding out who knows where, I will write to her here and whatever happens, happens. LOL. She either reads it or not but at least it won't be sitting in me anymore. Dear Mom, I have looked back on the past 20 years and I have realized a lot. For instance, I have spent 90 percent of the time taking care of everyone else, running around making sure everyone else was okay, had what they needed. I sacrificed time, my husband, education, all for the sake of sitting around worrying about everyone else. I have no problem helping people. Hell, you called CPS on me three times and I still helped you. I went and saw Dad this last week. Don't bother trying to get anyone in trouble, everyone of any import already knows. But I learned about why what happened happened between the two of us. I walked down memory lane of the things that were fuzzy when I was little. I remembered things that I had forgotten. The ironic part is Dad wanted me to be mad at him. Or at least to have gone through some bout of anger at him for what had happened. He asked me if I was mad at him ever. And the fact is, no. I was never mad at him. I wasn't mad at him because somewhere in my little brain I realized that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, but not in the sense that we're placing blame. Yes, he did what he did. But he is the damaged one. He is the one who had the "screw" loose, so to speak. But the fact is, YOU are the one who chose him. I told you when I was nine years old and you made a conscious decision to go back to him and put me in the position that I was in again. So I was never mad at him. I was mad at YOU. This gave me a whole new clarity as to your letters when you cried and whined about why I hate you so much, why I'm so mean to you, why you "don't know why I'm so angry all the time". Well the fact is, you chose him in your right mind. He wasn't in his right mind. So that is why I am so "angry with you all the time". The ironic part is I tried to make amends with you. I tried to forgive you. I drove to Carson City and make up with you. I tried to visit with you when I had Odie. And again at Richard's house. The fact is, YOU held the grudge because you still can't accept that he chose me over you instead of the other way around. If he dared to leave you, or choose someone else, it had to be someone else manipulating him into it instead of it just being a choice he made, right or wrong state of mind being the driving force. So you've been taking your anger and hatred of him out on me for the duration because you just couldn't bring yourself to blame him, because then you would have to admit that you chose him, knowing what he did, over me and the safety of your kids. And that is absolutely unfathomable for you. You have never been one to be able to take blame. And you have spent my entire life blaming me for everything you have ever screwed up, or done wrong, and your failed marriage, ever since because I am an easy scapegoat. I'm not there, I'm not around you, you hate me anyway and that way you can keep from looking in the mirror every day and knowing what you did. And the alcohol just made that deflection easier, completely diluted you into thinking your reality was reality. The fact is, you have absolutely no idea what happened. And you don't want to know, because again, that would mean you would have to accept the fact that you chose him over your offspring. But it all boils down to this. I don't care anymore. I have let go of all the hate, and all the anger, and all of the abandonment issues you left me with, and all of your blame, and I will no longer be carrying it with me. Because I get it now. And I am no longer carrying your blame and your anger with me. And I no longer accept your deflections. You're my mother, I don't have to love you but I can forgive you. I know what is my fault and what isn't in all of this. And the answer is none. It was not my fault what happened with dad, it was not my fault that you did what you did, and I am no longer going to allow myself to wonder "what did I do?". Maybe one day you can accept the things that are your fault, and accept the things that aren't, and be happy and be successful, find more in life, and teach Athena that life is what you make it, not what everyone around you makes it. This is a new lesson I learned and I am glad that I learned it before I was dead. Find peace. I forgive you. The

No comments:

Post a Comment