Sunday, October 28, 2012

So frustrated.....

I am so frustrated right now. I don't know why I even care, but I do. I keep trying to have a civil relationship with my ex and no matter what I say or what I do, he is antisocial, won't answer me, strings me along, and refuses to be civil or anything. I know I was a bitch for a whole month. But he was antisocial and blew me off like I didn't exist for a year, and most of that year we were MARRIED for. So why am I now being excluded like I don't exist at all? He still has stuff that is mine, a lot of it in fact. He gets mail I need to get, he is supposed to pay me alimony once a month, and I can't get any responses from him at all. I don't know what to do. I try to be nice and get blown off. I am a bitch and get blown off. I try to talk and get blown off. I ignore him and get blown off. I'm being stonewalled at every opportunity and I don't know how to deal with him. I need to know if he has stuff I need and he blows me off. His dad told him that he is better off without me, and instead of trying to talk to me about it to at least explain what the hell that is supposed to mean, he just ignores me like I'm nothing. I'm not nothing. Not to mention the fact that HE married me. I was HIS choice. And yet his dad doesn't approve for whatever stupid, judgmental, self righteous reason, and he listens to him instead of trusting what HE chose. Erik knew who I was. He knew where I was. There were no secrets. So why is it that his dad decides that I'm not worth a shit and he jumps on that bandwagon like he had no idea who I was? It's not like his daddy knew any secrets about me, or knew anything about me in the first place to persuade him that I was so horrible. Yet Erik completely bailed in every way possible before we were even divorced. Now I'm trying to salvage something, and trying to be nice, and trying to get him to at least acknowledge I exist long enough to get even my questions answered about the stuff he has, and he refuses to budge. I don't get it. I don't know why. It makes no sense that he could treat me this way when four months ago I was the love of his life and he said I was perfect just the way I was. Then like a switch he changed his mind and his dad pays him off to divorce me. How the hell does that work out? I am 90 percent certain that if my dad had paid me off to divorce him, if I blindsided him with complete silence, he would have freaked. Yet it's okay for him to do it and he still has half my shit. It's like he is a completely different person, and no matter what I say, or do, he continues to act like I don't exist. Why do I always end up in these relationships where the guys care more about what EVERYONE else thinks, than defending their choice and sticking with it? How do I always end up investing ten times as much and being burned in the end? Why am I the only one who sticks to their guns, and defends my choices, and whoever I'm with, just to get thrown under the bus. How does my keeping their secrets always get forgotten? It never counts for anything. I keep their secrets, I defend them, I hold up my end of the bargain and it counts for nothing. I could spill all kinds of secrets, secrets that would ruin multiple people, yet for the sake of keeping ERIK's trust and protecting HIM, I keep my mouth shut. Yet he treats me like I don't exist. So why do I bother? What is to keep me from saying anything? Why should I continue to protect him, or protect his secrets, or his career, or his friends? Why should I be the only one holding up my end of the bargain? Why? What is to keep me from blowing the lid off the entire family for that matter? Why should I be the only one having any kind of respect for any of them? I keep telling myself it's because I am better than them, I am taking the high road. But I really don't feel like I'm taking the high road anymore. I feel like they are just taking advantage of the fact that I won't say anything, and that they can treat me like shit and I won't blow up, I won't give up. So even though I hold the key to a whole lot of shit, they think that they can just walk all over me and do whatever to me and I'll continue to be the bigger man. I'm tired of being the bigger man. I want to just go and spill all of it. Tell all the dirty little secrets. Because those secrets just drag me down, while I sit here and can't even get a lousy "yes I'm alive" response to a lousy fucking text message. Who is this family? Who do they think they are exactly? They don't know who I am. They don't know what I've been through. They don't even know the meaning of hard. Yet they pass judgment on me? And they ruin my marriage because of what they "think"? They don't even know anything to think. And how did Erik turn into such a mindless drone? He used to be this amazing guy who was my perfect match, we prided ourselves on the fact that we were different, that we were the same and no one else was like us. Now he is just daddy's puppet, the Navy's puppet, and he couldn't care less. None of it mattered to him. I never expected this from him. I never expected him of all people to turn into "that guy". I thought he would be the one for me forever because we were so different from everyone else. And instead he just did exactly what everyone else does. Suck me in and fuck me over without even a second thought. He couldn't care less. And then he makes promises, "I'll talk to you" he says, "I'll ask that question for you" he says, "I don't want you to hurt" he says, "I care" he says, "It's possible" he says, and then he completely ignores me no matter what I ask him, even when it's something that he has that's MINE. I just don't understand. And his Navy drones think that I was going to call them about current events. Dumb asses. They all didn't figure out that the call I was going to make had nothing to do with current events. So he has the gall to get a babysitter for us while I pick up my stuff because he can't handle me himself. Does he not know the power of the Internet? The babysitter was for him because he wants to talk to me, that is totally obvious, but he is too afraid to talk to me because he knows he wants to be with me, but his daddy doesn't approve, so he needs people to keep him from making his own choices. It's the weirdest most fucked up thing I've ever seen. It baffles me how a grown man can join the Navy, move far far away at 18 years old, yet when daddy says jump, he says how high. How in the hell can someone do that? Especially for a dad that couldn't care less about him, only visited him one time when it was convenient and had nothing to do with actually visiting HIM, daddy only sends money when they do what he wants, and only calls when there is something he needs to whine about, like his sex life, literally. Yet he thinks his dad actually cares. HE DOESN'T CARE. Again, it makes no sense whatsoever. And he doesn't give me any credit for the fact that I am super smart, and an incredibly good judge of character and people, I see right through his father, have since day one. I know exactly what makes his daddy tick, yet he doesn't care. He would rather stay blind and let his father make his life choices for him when he is 2500 fucking miles away. Baffles the mind. It's one hell of a case that looks a whole lot like Stockholm syndrome. I don't know what his father did to him but he did something. That I can guarantee. Yet I want to help him and he won't let me. Never has wanted me to. And as soon as I started to get close he shut me out completely, that was over a year ago. Now we can't even have a lousy conversation of yeah I'm alive. I don't think I would be so pissed off, upset, hurt, but he blindsided me with all this crap, lied to me so many times I can't count, I talked to him and talked to him, and talked, and talked some more, I explained what my issues were, he acted like he understood and then turned around and went right back to it like it didn't matter. He refused to even call me when he was going to be late. Who doesn't want a lousy message, call, text, email saying that they are going to be late so we don't worry? Who doesn't do that? Yet he REFUSED to do it, absolutely refused. Then he just shut down, he stopped talking, stopped caring, the only time he would talk to me was when he wanted sex and that was it, period. And I feel robbed. I feel like our marriage was a joke, like I was a toy he just kept around because it was convenient at the time. He made me fall in love with him, I put so much off, made a shit ton of sacrifices including being away from my kids, FOR HIM. And yet he can't even grace me with a lousy text message saying he is fine. I feel like he manipulated me and when daddy decided it was enough he threw me away. And his fucking dad doesn't even KNOW me, and he made every effort NOT TO KNOW ME. So he is judging me based on nothing, and yet Erik listens to him. And it sucks for me. I loved him with everything I have, everything I am, and it wasn't enough. And I knew it wasn't enough yet he PROMISED me it was. He swore he loved me no matter what. He swore it didn't matter what his dad thought. He made so many promises and then he crushed me. He demolished everything I am and doesn't care at all. Never even had a second thought about it. And refuses to talk to me about it. And I feel robbed, and destroyed, like he ripped my heart out and literally crushed it in front of my face with both hands and laughed at me while he did it. That's literally how I feel. And he just goes on with his life without giving even a second thought to how I feel, or felt, or anything, and I don't know how he could go from promising me that he loved me forever, and promising that I was enough, to his father paying him off to divorce me. I don't get it. So yeah, I'm crushed. I just hope for his sake that he doesn't push me to the point that he has just about got me to. He would be wise to treat me with some respect because there will come a point that I will stop caring. I have taken more than anyone on earth would ever take and then some. Nobody on earth would put up with this crap, ever. He actually made me sleep in my truck in Baltimore because he didn't want to let me sleep in his basement. His basement! So yeah, this is what he has reduced himself to. I just wish he could stop listening to the dumb asses around him who don't know shit about us, either one of us at all, even Karl doesn't know Erik, at all, he knows nothing about him, and I wish that Erik would stop listening to the know nothings and actually remember who WE were, who I am, who HE is, and remember that I am not the enemy everyone has me painted out to be. They drove a stake between us out of jealousy and it's so stupid. I would at least like to be his friend, but as long as he has all these walls up, no one can get in. And it sucks.

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