Friday, October 19, 2012

I'm sad

I'm sad. I try to move forward but I'm stuck. I want to tell one person about my day, and hear about theirs, and I can't. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. I want to know that people are okay, and they ignore me like I mean nothing. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I care, or how much I want to help, and I feel like it never has mattered. I feel like a speed bump in the road, run over 100's of times a day without anyone even realizing I'm actually there. And when I try to get up off the road, I get passed by, unnoticed that I got up, and tried to keep going even though I'm just a block of asphalt. No credit for overcoming the obstacles, and getting knocked down just to get back up again. It's a weird analogy I know, but it makes sense to me. LOL. Silence is the worst. It's funny that perfect strangers will walk up to me and tell me their entire life story and want me to fix it. Yet those who I want to help and want to listen to just meet me with silence. It's deafening, literally. It hurts my head to hear nothing. To be treated like nothing. Especially when so many words were exchanged that were to the contrary until it mattered most. Then it was like nothing ever happened, and I was forgotten. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I thought it was different this time. I thought he was the bigger man, the better man, the best. And yet, he is acting like all the others, even though we were so different. I could move on if I knew why, if I knew what happened, if I knew what changed. But I'm literally hung up, as if my shirt is caught on a barbed wire fence and the more I try to listen, the more I want to know, the more I care, the more I get tangled up in the fence until it's wrapped me so tight I can't breathe, which is where I'm at now. And the part that kills me, the part that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. He says he does, says he's "sorry I'm hurting", but he's just leaving me here, tangled in the fence with no regard for the fact that I am suffocating. And I don't know why. I get that I said horrible things, but people say things when they're angry. Hell, he physically did things when he was angry. But I was willing to let it go, I did let it go. But being met with silence when you try so hard to get to the truth is stifling. It's like everything in the world freezes, including me, and there is nothing left for me to do. I gave him lots of crap over things that may or may not have happened, what he doesn't understand is that I just wanted the truth. That's it. I say things to get some sort of reaction because I'm not getting anywhere any other way. When I didn't talk he wouldn't talk and then he would get mad that I wouldn't talk. But what can I do? I talk, we don't really talk. He won't listen. He won't talk. And the infuriating part is that I could move on if we would just talk, but he won't talk. And he knows that I would move on if he would talk, but he won't talk. It's like he wants me here, waiting. I'm the backup when all else fails or the family dies and he has no one else. To me family is different, I'm used to thinking for myself, I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to not calling mommy or daddy every time something happens, I'm used to facing the issues head on, and dealing with them. Hiding is not in my vocabulary. And it doesn't solve anything. But he won't listen. And he won't talk. So I'm stuck, frozen in time. And I think he likes it that way, which isn't helping. So I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't get anywhere, or move on, or get the truth. The truth is all I want, all I wanted, all I ever want. But the truth scares people, they think they can hide from it but they can't. The truth never goes away. It just eats a hole in you, and rots you from the inside out, until it turns into this gross time bomb that will destroy you. And to me the truth is all that matters. Money comes and goes, friends come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, everything comes and goes and in the end you still die and then you're dead and there is nothing. But the truth, whether it's in another person or in yourself, is always there. It never goes away. Respect, trust, honesty, those are what matter, because no matter what material things you have around you, people, things, they will go away, but to be honest and trust someone or something is forever. And to be able to put your whole self into something and know that it's real, like really real, is not something that happens every day. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even happen in a life time. 99% of the population go through life never finding that, ever. So to piss it away out of fear of the truth is just silly to me. To find someONE even that will stay with you no matter what the truth is, and keep your secrets even when they've been thrown to the wolves, who will stand by you no matter how bad it got or gets, is even more rare and special. And yet, people just throw it away, trample it for the sake of making others happy. It makes no sense to me. You only have one life to live, so why would you live it based on what others THINK you should do, because they aren't around, they aren't there, they don't have to live your life, so why would you let them control it? It's unfathomable to me. Especially when they are clearly out for themselves. I see so much of my mother in another person, one in particular, that it's scary. The "bring them down so they don't do better than me" mentality. But again, he won't listen. Denial is a terrible thing. Arrogance is also terrible. They ruin people. Especially when they are used for evil and not for good. Selfishness is up there too. To watch someone you love destroy something amazing for the sake of your own pride and self righteousness is disgusting, especially when it's your own kid. And my defend everyone personality is really kicking in at this point. I must save everyone, even if it's from themselves. So it's infuriating to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives for the sake of someone who doesn't care, who thinks money is the key to happiness, who thinks that all that matters is money and education, because respect, trust, love, honesty, caring, none of that matters to them if they have money. Money sucks people! Money is the root of all evil! It turns people into greedy assholes who don't care about anyone or anything. It's disgusting. Because in case people hadn't noticed, you earn it to spend it, it's gone before you even get it most of the time, money is horrible! So why would you let it run your life? Why would you put self worth and personal worth on money? That's pathetic. Of course you NEED money to survive in this day and age, but it's not everything. Not by a long shot. And to put your life's choices on money is also pathetic. Buying your child's love because you were too lazy to invest the time, is pathetic. Writing a check to try and heal wounds, pathetic. Choosing who you love based on money, pathetic. Passing judgment on people in your self righteous, religion based bias, pathetic. God would not approve. So I'm sad. I'm sad that people exist that are like this, that can't get over themselves long enough to realize that there are things that make people happy that they may not approve of but because they don't "agree" they just have to twist the knife, they just have to manipulate and screw people up. And I feel sorry for those who are not strong enough to stand up to those who are like that and say, I know that my decision is better than this. I know that it's the right choice for me and I don't care what you think. I feel sorry for those who are weak, and afraid, and don't realize that if that person is so against their decisions then they are not good people in their lives anyway. They are not out for their best interests. They don't care. They are selfish and don't belong in your life. People should learn to live for themselves and do what they want because they want it and not someone else. This doesn't mean go jump off a cliff. But it does mean that they should know when something is right for them and they should fight for it, they should stand up for it, they should live their lives because in the end they are the ones who have to lie in their death bed and think back on their lives and think about all the regrets, all the things they passed over for the ones who said no, they don't agree. And I wish that people understood this. Because it makes me sad.

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