Tales of a Navy Housewife - week two

Well, that was short lived. LOL. Erik's mission was cancelled at the last minute so no deployment! I can't say as I'm sad about that. I mean, I wanted him to go, until he went. LOL. So typical. But he really wanted to go cuz he liked the mission he was going on, and we could have used the money. But I started thinking about what if, what if he got hurt, what if something happened that was worse, what if, what if, what if, drove myself crazy. LOL. So I'm glad he's home. Now that he is cleared it is entirely possible he will get picked up for another mission, but for now, I'm going to just let sleeping dogs lie and hope they don't think to pick him for another one. LOL

Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1

So the kids and I drove Erik to Norfolk on Sunday. I would have written this yesterday, which actually was day one but I had a migraine. No sleep and crying yourself to sleep will do that. The kids had a hard time saying goodbye, so did I. I tried so hard not to cry but I was failing, thank God I am good at making a bunch of really mean jokes when I am in that position. I mostly wanted to stay strong for the kids. They were on the verge of tears, and they don't even understand what is going on. LOL.

I cried myself to sleep. And was a zombie most of the day. I kept getting random urges to cry at the dumbest stuff. And I have the worst thoughts EVER. I can't stop thinking about what if something happens, what if he doesn't come home, what if he finds someone else, what if, what if. I drove myself crazy. It sucks. I have zero control over anything that happens for the next 14 months with him. I've never had to watch someone I cared about walk into a war zone where he might not come out. I also keep thinking that I need to stay positive, but that is really not working well. Especially since for most of my life every time I prayed about something or tried to hope that something wouldn't happen, it inevitably would. So my track record is not lookin' so great. He keeps telling me he is coming back, but then he so blatantly pointed out we couldn't guarantee anything. That really helped. But I can't help feeling like I am playing with fire. I already lost him once and got him back, and now we have gone and volunteered for a really long, really dangerous trip across the world, and I just can't help but have a bad feeling. I keep trying to get it to go away and it's just not working. I don't want to tell him about that, but at the same time I want him to know how I feel and what I think and I want him to promise me he will be okay, and he is not doing a very good job. But I am scared to death that that parking lot will be the last time I ever see him, even though I am keeping all my appendages crossed that it's not.

Then I thought up the idea that I could drive back down and see him for the last day or two he was here so we would at least get to spend a little more time together. And he has basically been avoiding that ever since. Can't tell you how wanted I feel right about now. It doesn't matter what I say, or how it actually is doable, it doesn't seem to matter. So now I don't know what to think, which is nothing new. But it is getting old.

So many mixed emotions, and I can't seem to get rid of a single one. It totally sucks. I am usually much better at putting this stuff in it's place in my brain and just shutting it down. But he has this retarded grip on me, always has. It pisses me off really. And now I get to go the next 14 months wondering, whether he is coming home, whether he is going to stay with me when he does. I guess only time will tell, huh?

Tales of a Navy Housewife - Day 1

2010

As I look back on 2010 I realize one thing, it was overall a gigantic disappointment. There are so many things that I want to do that I have not done, didn't even start, or did not finish that it is quite depressing really. HOWEVER! I will be 31 in 15 minutes and I have decided that this year will be the start of the next 30. There are things that I want to do, helping people, helping myself, all of which I have been putting off, medically, monetarily, and community services such as helping kids. I really want to help kids because I feel like that would do the most good. You can help adults but they are essentially set in their ways, whereas kids still have a vast amount of potential that just needs to be tapped into. SO, I have decided that this year I am going to start at least ONE thing, whether it be with a school, or foster homes, group homes, I dunno yet. But something is going to be started, and hopefully it will be big enough that I can help lots of people. Also, I am going to get my medical stuff squared away once and for all. I am tired of not knowing, guessing, thinking it's one thing and then something else happening, I'm just fed up with all of the repeated screw ups. I am going to go and get tested for everything under the sun, and SOMETHING will give, because I am tired of this game that is my life. My kids need more from me, I need more from me, so more is what I will find in myself to give. Plus, I don't want my kids growing up with this disgust and hatred towards people that I have, obviously not to everyone, but I have lent a helping hand and had it bitten off so many times that I have grown bitter towards those who need help and are not just using me for what I can give. I am going to try and find that nurturing side of me that I have had for some time, but has been dormant for a very long time. I am determined to do something better this year, and in years to come. On that note, Happy New Year to everyone, and if anyone has any suggestions, or advice, or would like to help with any ideas or future endeavors please feel free to write.

Tired

So, I am not exactly sure where to start. I am exhausted, I know that much. LOL.

Christmas was good. As good as it could be I guess. The kids were very excited about their Christmas presents. I think my favorite present was Jaron's drums. LOL. I like the drums, I just hope he really puts himself into them. I think he has great potential to be really good at them. Austaya's electric guitar keeps breaking a string because something is wrong with the tuning knobs. So we have to go get that fixed, but she seemed really excited about it. Odie hasn't been excited about much of anything because he had broken his arm, then he got his cast off but he has to take it easy, and now he has the cold that we have all been passing around. LOL. Poor guy can't win for losin'. Hopefully we will all get over it soon.

As for getting over it, I decided to finally go to the doctor for what I thought was a UTI. Turns out it's a little more serious than that. I'm not very happy about it. I always put stuff off for the sake of dealing with everything else that is going on just to find out that I am sicker than I thought. LOL. You would think I would know better by now. Anyway, on that note, I have a whole gang of tests to look forward too, again. I have no idea what is wrong with me other than the increase in bilirubin in my system. Let me tell ya how much that caught me off guard. LOL. I had never even considered that something that could happen to adults. Now I have no idea what I should be doing. Should I be eating certain foods, drinking certain fluids, sleeping more, sleeping less, exercising, not exercising? Your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea what is going on, or what can help it improve until I get the tests done. I hate the waiting game. I have done this before too many times and I hate it. And I always seem to end up with the unknown. It's so frustrating. And I'm so tired right now I have no energy to clean, move, anything, so that makes it really hard for me to distract myself from all of this crap. The only thing I have the energy to do is think, and even THAT is a stretch half the time.

I am feeling very alone in this battle. It's weird for me because I have never really been one to rely on anyone for moral support, or for help with stuff. Usually if I want something done, or it needs to be done, I just do it myself. But I am literally exhausted from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed, and then I have a hard time sleeping. Go figure. LOL.

And then there are relationship issues that are draining me just by thinking about it. I have exhausted all talking, lecturing, being understanding routes that I could take. And honestly at this point I am not sure that I have the energy to try to fix anything. Normally I stick it out until hell freezes over, and try to make things better, or just turn into a cold hearted bitch who doesn't care and make it work. But with everything else going on, I just don't have it in me anymore. The one thing I do know is that I cannot live like this. And I'm not sure I want to. But I guess we will see how things go.

My birthday is this Saturday. UGH! I'm gonna be 31. Where did the last 12 years go? LOL. Oh well, happy birthday to me I guess.

The homeschooling thing went out the door. My older two just will not cooperate. AND THEN I put them in public school and they proceed to lie, cheat, and steal their way to not doing their homework and not doing their school work. I really don't know who they are anymore. They are not the kids that I left in Montana a year ago that's for sure. They used to like school. Now they just spend their days misbehaving and trying to find ways to be completely uncooperative, and not doing their work. It's so weird. Their homework has been a struggle too. It's weird, I feel like every thing that is going on, every, single last thing is going against everything I am doing, or trying to do. I thought that things were supposed to get better, but they have done nothing but get worse, and worse, and worse. It's really baffling. I just don't understand at all what is going on anymore. Anyway, I guess just take it one day at a time.

Long week

This has been one of those weeks where I am not sure what happened, or where the time went, or who possessed everyone in my house. LOL. My four baby Odie fractures his humerus in his elbow last Friday, and has had to wear a splint all week. Needless to say, HE HATES IT! He has been extra special miserable, and his misery is wearing off on everyone involved. I have been staying up late with him each night so he can sleep on the couch, where I can prop his arm and there is no risk of his four year old brother kicking the crap out of him while they are sleeping. I have not been sleeping hardly at all this week, but oddly enough I have been functioning physically better than before, when I slept for 12 hours a day. Sleep is supposed to help me more, but I think my body got too used to sleeping and just never wanted to wake up. LOL. Something tells me the "adrenaline" of the crazy week will wear off just in time for Thanksgiving, and I will have to drag myself through cooking all that food, and trying to be the cheery holiday addict that I usually am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS, but it seems that whenever you HAVE to keep it together you do. But as soon as the heavy stress goes away, all of a sudden it all catches up with you and you feel like death. But let's just keep our fingers crossed that that won't happen.

On that note I have lots of good stuff planned for Thanksgiving. I am going to bake an apple pie from scratch, I am going to make lots of cookies, and I am going to start experimenting with the candies I want to make. I am also going to try this really great recipe that I got from the Food Network for home made green bean casserole. That is one dish I usually omit, I never make it in fact. However, this recipe looks GOOD! So, you know me, I gotta try it.

Erik's work is driving me nuts. I pretty much can't stand his Chief. The guy is single and has no clue what life is like outside of the Navy, and with four kids, and you know, LIFE. Very, very, very frustrating. Erik just keeps feeding into it too, I might have to beat them both. LMFAO.

Halloween was a success. The trip to Annapolis to visit John Paul Jones' tomb was also a success. The Halloween party and the pumpkin patch all went very well. The kids were all excited that they got to pick their very own unique pumpkins. They each carved them, and it was funny how their pumpkins matched their personalities. They got more candy then we can eat in a decade. LOL. That plus all the cake and cupcakes Erik's been making lately, we are going to weigh a ton before the holiday's are over.

Tons more to report but no time now. I will write again as soon as I can. :) Happy holidays ya'll! :)

College Student Suicide

All right, so how to voice my irritation about this subject, without offending quite a few people? Unfortunately, I don't think there is a way but I will try to be circumspect.

Before hand I would like to make perfectly clear that I am not trying to be disrespectful, and I am most definitely not racist. I am however, extremely prejudice, but it is not ethnicity to which I am prejudice, nor any specific group for that matter, it is individual people and their individual behavior with which I have a problem. Personally I do not care what color, or sexuality, or age, or sex, or religious beliefs you have, it makes no difference to me. If you are an idiot, then even if you were green, you are still an idiot.

So a kid goes to college, is trying to better himself, is successful at what he does, and happens to be gay. Nobody cares. Nobody thinks anything of it. But then you add Dharun, who obviously is extremely insecure, has too much time on his hands, apparently likes to smoke pot regularly, which doesn't say much for the school, and feels the need to exploit said kid's PRIVATE life. And all of a sudden it becomes a big joke, and the poor kid can't deal with it anymore. Now, someone please explain to me why Molly and Dharun are NOT being charged with a hate crime, or better yet, involuntary manslaughter? If you hit a pedestrian on the street, you get nailed for that even if you had no other choice. If you sell a drug to someone, and they OD and die, you are guilty (if they can trace it back to you of course) of involuntary manslaughter. This kid taped it, relayed it over the Internet. Then does it AGAIN, and plans this one so he can have a bigger audience for the "event", they think it's so funny making the life of this poor kid hell, and they are getting videotaping and distribution?
Really?
That's the best they can do? No offense, but if the kid was black, there would be an uproar because he was black, and he was gay, and it was a hate crime, and the list goes on.
Now, again, I am not racist nor do I hold any particular dislike against any group as a whole. I also believe that people who treat others with such disrespect as to cross that privacy line so blatantly have waived any right they had to their privacy, and the opinion of others towards them. But let's be honest here. If Tyler had been videotaping Dharun, and claiming he was a terrorist, and doing all of this to Dharun just because it was "funny", who knows what the repercussions would have been for Tyler. A slap on the wrist? I doubt it.

That being said, I think it is being grossly downplayed by the school, and the fact that those kids are only being charged with videotaping and distribution is mind boggling. Makes me wonder what is happening in the United States anymore......