I'm sad

I'm sad. I try to move forward but I'm stuck. I want to tell one person about my day, and hear about theirs, and I can't. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. I want to know that people are okay, and they ignore me like I mean nothing. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I care, or how much I want to help, and I feel like it never has mattered. I feel like a speed bump in the road, run over 100's of times a day without anyone even realizing I'm actually there. And when I try to get up off the road, I get passed by, unnoticed that I got up, and tried to keep going even though I'm just a block of asphalt. No credit for overcoming the obstacles, and getting knocked down just to get back up again. It's a weird analogy I know, but it makes sense to me. LOL. Silence is the worst. It's funny that perfect strangers will walk up to me and tell me their entire life story and want me to fix it. Yet those who I want to help and want to listen to just meet me with silence. It's deafening, literally. It hurts my head to hear nothing. To be treated like nothing. Especially when so many words were exchanged that were to the contrary until it mattered most. Then it was like nothing ever happened, and I was forgotten. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I thought it was different this time. I thought he was the bigger man, the better man, the best. And yet, he is acting like all the others, even though we were so different. I could move on if I knew why, if I knew what happened, if I knew what changed. But I'm literally hung up, as if my shirt is caught on a barbed wire fence and the more I try to listen, the more I want to know, the more I care, the more I get tangled up in the fence until it's wrapped me so tight I can't breathe, which is where I'm at now. And the part that kills me, the part that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. He says he does, says he's "sorry I'm hurting", but he's just leaving me here, tangled in the fence with no regard for the fact that I am suffocating. And I don't know why. I get that I said horrible things, but people say things when they're angry. Hell, he physically did things when he was angry. But I was willing to let it go, I did let it go. But being met with silence when you try so hard to get to the truth is stifling. It's like everything in the world freezes, including me, and there is nothing left for me to do. I gave him lots of crap over things that may or may not have happened, what he doesn't understand is that I just wanted the truth. That's it. I say things to get some sort of reaction because I'm not getting anywhere any other way. When I didn't talk he wouldn't talk and then he would get mad that I wouldn't talk. But what can I do? I talk, we don't really talk. He won't listen. He won't talk. And the infuriating part is that I could move on if we would just talk, but he won't talk. And he knows that I would move on if he would talk, but he won't talk. It's like he wants me here, waiting. I'm the backup when all else fails or the family dies and he has no one else. To me family is different, I'm used to thinking for myself, I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to not calling mommy or daddy every time something happens, I'm used to facing the issues head on, and dealing with them. Hiding is not in my vocabulary. And it doesn't solve anything. But he won't listen. And he won't talk. So I'm stuck, frozen in time. And I think he likes it that way, which isn't helping. So I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't get anywhere, or move on, or get the truth. The truth is all I want, all I wanted, all I ever want. But the truth scares people, they think they can hide from it but they can't. The truth never goes away. It just eats a hole in you, and rots you from the inside out, until it turns into this gross time bomb that will destroy you. And to me the truth is all that matters. Money comes and goes, friends come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, everything comes and goes and in the end you still die and then you're dead and there is nothing. But the truth, whether it's in another person or in yourself, is always there. It never goes away. Respect, trust, honesty, those are what matter, because no matter what material things you have around you, people, things, they will go away, but to be honest and trust someone or something is forever. And to be able to put your whole self into something and know that it's real, like really real, is not something that happens every day. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even happen in a life time. 99% of the population go through life never finding that, ever. So to piss it away out of fear of the truth is just silly to me. To find someONE even that will stay with you no matter what the truth is, and keep your secrets even when they've been thrown to the wolves, who will stand by you no matter how bad it got or gets, is even more rare and special. And yet, people just throw it away, trample it for the sake of making others happy. It makes no sense to me. You only have one life to live, so why would you live it based on what others THINK you should do, because they aren't around, they aren't there, they don't have to live your life, so why would you let them control it? It's unfathomable to me. Especially when they are clearly out for themselves. I see so much of my mother in another person, one in particular, that it's scary. The "bring them down so they don't do better than me" mentality. But again, he won't listen. Denial is a terrible thing. Arrogance is also terrible. They ruin people. Especially when they are used for evil and not for good. Selfishness is up there too. To watch someone you love destroy something amazing for the sake of your own pride and self righteousness is disgusting, especially when it's your own kid. And my defend everyone personality is really kicking in at this point. I must save everyone, even if it's from themselves. So it's infuriating to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives for the sake of someone who doesn't care, who thinks money is the key to happiness, who thinks that all that matters is money and education, because respect, trust, love, honesty, caring, none of that matters to them if they have money. Money sucks people! Money is the root of all evil! It turns people into greedy assholes who don't care about anyone or anything. It's disgusting. Because in case people hadn't noticed, you earn it to spend it, it's gone before you even get it most of the time, money is horrible! So why would you let it run your life? Why would you put self worth and personal worth on money? That's pathetic. Of course you NEED money to survive in this day and age, but it's not everything. Not by a long shot. And to put your life's choices on money is also pathetic. Buying your child's love because you were too lazy to invest the time, is pathetic. Writing a check to try and heal wounds, pathetic. Choosing who you love based on money, pathetic. Passing judgment on people in your self righteous, religion based bias, pathetic. God would not approve. So I'm sad. I'm sad that people exist that are like this, that can't get over themselves long enough to realize that there are things that make people happy that they may not approve of but because they don't "agree" they just have to twist the knife, they just have to manipulate and screw people up. And I feel sorry for those who are not strong enough to stand up to those who are like that and say, I know that my decision is better than this. I know that it's the right choice for me and I don't care what you think. I feel sorry for those who are weak, and afraid, and don't realize that if that person is so against their decisions then they are not good people in their lives anyway. They are not out for their best interests. They don't care. They are selfish and don't belong in your life. People should learn to live for themselves and do what they want because they want it and not someone else. This doesn't mean go jump off a cliff. But it does mean that they should know when something is right for them and they should fight for it, they should stand up for it, they should live their lives because in the end they are the ones who have to lie in their death bed and think back on their lives and think about all the regrets, all the things they passed over for the ones who said no, they don't agree. And I wish that people understood this. Because it makes me sad.

Too much

I worry too much. So much that I'm stuck. I care too much. So much I can't stand. I feel too much. So much that it hurts. I want so much. So much, out of touch.

Starting out

Well, I'm trying to start over. And I'm doing okay, but I have a ghost haunting me that won't help me move forward. LOL. I've faced all my demons, but one. And the one is avoiding me like the plague, which I totally don't understand. I mean, I get that I freaked out and lost my mind and said things, but saying things is better than saying nothing, which is what I've been getting for over a year. I feel like even though I invested everything I was the only one investing. And I feel like that's how it always goes with everything. I put more in than any human being would even consider and then I get left in the wind because I'm never worth fighting for. And this isn't the first time. This has happened before, just left behind like I was worth nothing. I'm so sick of it. People see me and I'm just a pretty face that can be used until the going gets tough and then no one fights to make it work, or help out, or do anything. No one ever fights for me. So whatever, my new beginning is fighting for things I believe in personally and not any one person in particular. I will fight for the one until he disappears into the past or steps up and becomes the man I know he is but everyone else has convinced him he's not. It infuriates me that there is so much negative in his life, and yet he continues to feed into their bullshit like they actually mean something. Blood relation means nothing if people are bringing you down and sabotaging you on purpose, but he doesn't get that. I see it. I've lived it. I know what it looks like and he doesn't get it and he doesn't respect me enough to listen now thanks to the naysayers around him. So I will wait. Because I know the person that he really is, even if he doesn't get that yet. Family and friends are only real family and friends if they actually support you. Just because they are blood related and can throw a check at you to buy your love doesn't mean that they are real people. I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy than have family that throws a check at me and be miserable. Especially if my being miserable is what they want to make themselves feel better, to justify who they are and the bad decisions they've made. I wish he understood what I understand. I wish he could see but right now he is blinded by the negative around him and he is drowning in it. And he's throwing everything away because of it. But I know he knows deep down what is really going on. He is afraid. Afraid of standing against them, afraid to stand up for himself, and I find it ironic that he's afraid of me because I am the one person in the entire world that he could trust with anything and everything and never have to worry. Even now I keep his secrets and I get no credit for that. When I told him I loved him and I was there for him there is no one in the entire world he could trust more than me when I say it. I had no ulterior motives. And I made that blatantly clear throughout our relationship. I didn't want his money, his insurance, his house, nothing. I just wanted him and it made no difference to him. I was thrown away out of fear. I just wish I knew where that fear came from, so I'll wait. While I'm waiting I am going to be doing a fundraiser for military veterans, which is going to be amazing if I can organize it and promote it effectively. I'm very excited about it. I just wish he were here to participate and enjoy it too, because I know he would love it. But I will go on alone because I want to do it, because I believe in it, and I want to help people even if I never get anything in return. The nice thing about fundraisers and volunteer work is that there is no repayment, no expectation of getting anything in return, and no backstabbing. If I run it there is no undermining, no getting screwed by outside forces, it's just me and my goal. And that I can put myself into without any fear of being thrown away. I'm very excited. I think it will be fun. Even the coordination and work on it will be fun, the promoting and the effort I put in. And when I get to go and make someone's day with the work that I put in, the reward will be monumental. I just wish he was here to share in it. He would appreciate it and love it, but he's too busy being blinded and trying to force himself to deny reality. Sigh.... Wish me luck, I have a big thing happening in about an hour and I am excited. So wish me luck, I need all the help I can get right now. LOL

A letter to my mother

This past two weeks has been a journey of self discovery. I have faced those who have "hurt" me and I have begged forgiveness of those who I should not have let go. Since I cannot see my mother face to face because she is hiding out who knows where, I will write to her here and whatever happens, happens. LOL. She either reads it or not but at least it won't be sitting in me anymore. Dear Mom, I have looked back on the past 20 years and I have realized a lot. For instance, I have spent 90 percent of the time taking care of everyone else, running around making sure everyone else was okay, had what they needed. I sacrificed time, my husband, education, all for the sake of sitting around worrying about everyone else. I have no problem helping people. Hell, you called CPS on me three times and I still helped you. I went and saw Dad this last week. Don't bother trying to get anyone in trouble, everyone of any import already knows. But I learned about why what happened happened between the two of us. I walked down memory lane of the things that were fuzzy when I was little. I remembered things that I had forgotten. The ironic part is Dad wanted me to be mad at him. Or at least to have gone through some bout of anger at him for what had happened. He asked me if I was mad at him ever. And the fact is, no. I was never mad at him. I wasn't mad at him because somewhere in my little brain I realized that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, but not in the sense that we're placing blame. Yes, he did what he did. But he is the damaged one. He is the one who had the "screw" loose, so to speak. But the fact is, YOU are the one who chose him. I told you when I was nine years old and you made a conscious decision to go back to him and put me in the position that I was in again. So I was never mad at him. I was mad at YOU. This gave me a whole new clarity as to your letters when you cried and whined about why I hate you so much, why I'm so mean to you, why you "don't know why I'm so angry all the time". Well the fact is, you chose him in your right mind. He wasn't in his right mind. So that is why I am so "angry with you all the time". The ironic part is I tried to make amends with you. I tried to forgive you. I drove to Carson City and make up with you. I tried to visit with you when I had Odie. And again at Richard's house. The fact is, YOU held the grudge because you still can't accept that he chose me over you instead of the other way around. If he dared to leave you, or choose someone else, it had to be someone else manipulating him into it instead of it just being a choice he made, right or wrong state of mind being the driving force. So you've been taking your anger and hatred of him out on me for the duration because you just couldn't bring yourself to blame him, because then you would have to admit that you chose him, knowing what he did, over me and the safety of your kids. And that is absolutely unfathomable for you. You have never been one to be able to take blame. And you have spent my entire life blaming me for everything you have ever screwed up, or done wrong, and your failed marriage, ever since because I am an easy scapegoat. I'm not there, I'm not around you, you hate me anyway and that way you can keep from looking in the mirror every day and knowing what you did. And the alcohol just made that deflection easier, completely diluted you into thinking your reality was reality. The fact is, you have absolutely no idea what happened. And you don't want to know, because again, that would mean you would have to accept the fact that you chose him over your offspring. But it all boils down to this. I don't care anymore. I have let go of all the hate, and all the anger, and all of the abandonment issues you left me with, and all of your blame, and I will no longer be carrying it with me. Because I get it now. And I am no longer carrying your blame and your anger with me. And I no longer accept your deflections. You're my mother, I don't have to love you but I can forgive you. I know what is my fault and what isn't in all of this. And the answer is none. It was not my fault what happened with dad, it was not my fault that you did what you did, and I am no longer going to allow myself to wonder "what did I do?". Maybe one day you can accept the things that are your fault, and accept the things that aren't, and be happy and be successful, find more in life, and teach Athena that life is what you make it, not what everyone around you makes it. This is a new lesson I learned and I am glad that I learned it before I was dead. Find peace. I forgive you. The

Breaking Point

It's been one helluva year that's for sure.

I should have been blogging this whole time, I would probably feel better. But I haven't and now I'm so far behind I don't know where to begin.
Back when Erik and I got married things were great. He was great, great with the kids, great with me, always so gung-ho about everything. Then we said I do, and everything changed like a freakin' light switch. Now, a year and a half later, I'm more miserable then I have ever been with any ex, and all he cares about is him. He says he cares, but then last night happened. And he doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just pissed about losing my stuff, which I am epic pissed off about. But he doesn't get the other problem I have, and it's fucking INFURIATING.

Last night, I wake up and I hear noises outside. I thought at first it was the wind, cuz it was windy as hell. But then when I closed my eyes again I thought to myself, everything happens for a reason, get up. So I got up, and LOW AND BEHOLD there IS someone who is truckin' down the street with a bag of my damn clothes. I wake Erik up, I tell him they were running down the street. And instead of being a normal man and running downstairs so he could catch them, he wastes time getting his shoes on, and then he goes for the shotgun, and by the time he is done pretending he's a commando, they are gone. He gets into the truck to see what they took, and they took all of the clothes that make me me, my hoodies, my chargers stuff, my brand new jacket I got for Christmas, the golf clubs his mom gave us, my make up box, EVERYTHING, GONE! He proceeds to act like he already knew, nonchalantly prancing around the house, calling the cops, and as I'm listing off the stuff I notice missing all I hear out of him is, I know. YOU KNOW?! How the hell would he know!? He barely even knows I'm HERE! Let alone paid attention long enough to know what all was missing.

The part he really doesn't get, and the part that is literally on the brink of me driving off and not coming back, is the fact that I had asked him, and told him I needed that stuff brought in for the previous three days before it got jacked. He brought his own shit in, but he left all of mine in my truck, that he knows doesn't lock, that he knows is in a shit part of town and has been broken into three times previously, but HE DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO BRING MY SHIT IN. So now everything that makes me me is gone, and he really could give a shit less, it wasn't his stuff. And the part that gets me is he is always saying he cares, SAYING being the operative word. But his actions speak way louder than his words ever could. Someone who cares, who I have been fighting and arguing and pleading with since we got MARRIED a YEAR AND A HALF AGO to pay attention, to actually listen to me, to even care what comes out of my mouth, has now cost me everything that is mine, that was me, and he doesn't get it. When I ask him three days in a row to get my stuff out of the truck, and the only crap he manages to bring in is his own, knowing I didn't even have any pajamas to wear until he did, doesn't do it and now it is gone forever, does that sound like someone who actually gives a shit? No, I didn't think so.

Now you may ask why I didn't bring it in myself. That would be because I feel like crap, I have Fibromyalgia, my back is killing me, and I have a hard time carrying heavy stuff. And he is the MAN, supposedly. He is supposed to do the heavy lifting. My ex did. But then again, my ex would have caught the person too and actually cared enough to bring it in the day we got home. But I guess that is another story.

There is plenty more I am going to be writing from now on. But figured I would start with a big fat Merry Christmas to me :( Can't wait to see what my birthday has in store.........

September 13th, 2011 - Quote of the day

Winner takes all, but those who take all don't win.

Isagenix - Week 1

Erik's mom came out to see him before he deployed and brought her new shakes and stuff that she had been using for a while. I totally don't buy into the "miracle cure" or the infommercial like products. But she went on and on about how well it worked, and she felt less pain, and she had more energy, and was losing weight. I don't need to lose weight is my first thought. LOL. BUT, she wanted me to try it and since she had some I said why not. The worst thing that will happen is I will drink it, nothing will happen, she will leave in two days, and I won't ever have to touch it again. LOL So I tried it, and it wasn't that gross at all. And later that day I actually had more energy than I normally do, I wanted to be up and around. It never really occurred to me that it was that, in fact I didn't even really think about it until a week later = now and the last few days.

After she had left Erik and I both found the remainder of the container of shake mix that she "forgot" here. LOL. I knew she left it on purpose, but I was actually happy because now I could give it another chance and could try to disprove my supposed higher energy level the first time. LOL. So skeptical am I. So I made a shake, drank it and although it actually made me have more of an appetite, sure enough later that day I felt more energetic. I was trying to play volleyball with the kids, was up and picking up the house, and found it almost annoying to sit around and do nothing. Weird...... Still not a believer. LOL

So I continued to make shakes for the next three or four days, and felt better. I had less pain, there were actually days that I forgot to take my medication. This last thing is HUGE because I have been living out of some sort of medication bottle since, oh I don't know, SEVEN years ago! I wanted to play with the kids, I wanted to clean the house. Erik and I have been cooking up a storm. I actually have the energy and lack of pain to stand in the kitchen and cook, bake bread, do dishes, and it's all actually fun for me, especially after not getting to do that stuff without some sort of misery, or lightheadedness, or generally uncomfortable feeling of some sort for so long.

Then I ran out the other day. Sad times. I still felt okay the first couple of days. But I was definitely not that energetic, and I had more fatigue. I still did stuff but not nearly as much and by day three I had a migraine again. BUT that was yesterday and I got my order in the mail last night so today I was able to make my shakes and try some of the other vitamins and stuff they offer as well.

Today I had OOBERS of energy. LOL. I drank the "Greens" they offer. Definitely not my favorite thing to consume, and may not continue that one. LOL. But the shake was as always awesome, and I took the vitamins, and I drank this new stuff which is supposed to fill all sorts of gaps as far as vitamins and minerals go. And by the time I got to my doctors appointment I was ready to run a marathon. LOL. It's pretty awesome.

I still check the labels every so often because I am absolutely convinced there has to be something in this stuff that gives you "fake" energy. Whether it's ginseng, or caffeine, or whatever, I don't know, I could swear there has to be something. BUT I"LL BE DARNED IF I CAN FIND ANYTHING! Nothing, not a single fake ingredient anywhere. All vitamins, minerals, things that are good for you that you should be eating or drinking anyway. My whole entire body functions better by ten fold even the very first day I drank it. For someone who has been in pain this long with fistfuls of meds that didn't do anything but dull the fatigue, pain, discomfort, this is insanely exciting. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that it's going to stop being this way, that it is too good to be true, etc. But hopefully, ***fingers crossed*** that won't be for a while at least, if ever.

We will see how it goes in the future. :)